This passion within me
Like a fire
Burning so intensely.
That, I am proud of
But others think not.
The same flame
Too scorching and bright
A threat to some
While others took flight.
For it shines bright
Showing what’s wrong and what’s right.
And a light
To illuminate the darken path
For those who ask.
I never understand how what I have
Can be loved and hated
At the same time.
Should I perhaps change?
Think not!
What a shame it’ll be
I am not what I am
And that you’ll be glad
But I’ll be sad.
The fire in me
Let it be.
Love me, shun me
It is here to stay!
2006-10-01 16:07:58 · 17 answers · asked by TK 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
To those of you who asked (and to whom I could not reply to) - it's about my management style. Had been in 'management' for a long time now, handling situations & decision makings are daily tasks. Cheers and thanks for all your comments, much appreciated.
2006-10-01 19:52:23 · update #1
ok - you asked for a critique? or at least that is my assumption? I like it but there are a few things I would change... may I?
This passion within [ I took out some words here ]
Like a fire
Burning intensely.
I am proud
But others think not.
The same flame scorching
A threat -
Others took flight.
For it shines bright
Showing wrong
Showing right.
lluminating the darken path
For those who ask.
[I made some changes here too - a bit too much rhyming for me in 2nd stanza]
I never understand how what I have
Can be loved and hated
At the same time.
Should I perhaps change?
Think not!
What a shame it’ll be
I am not what I am
And that you’ll be glad
But I’ll be sad.
[ glad - sad - your ideas are ok, but this rhyming makes it a bit more simple than I think you want it ]
The fire in me
Let it be.
Love me, shun me
It is here to stay!
[ you use me 3x - but again the idea is good ]
Well, I hope this was not too intrusive. Of course, it is your poem and I have just made a few suggestions if you like them.. OK? I think that is what you are asking for eh? Feel free to disregard.. and all my best.. Again, ideas are good, needs a little work -
2006-10-04 03:41:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is beautiful, except for some part is totally uncleared what is your massage, the reader loses the fade, and their are beautiful world but no rims, think about it.
I would have don some ending in som parts if I could find out really what you are talking about, I could only guess and that is why I didn't dare to give my opinion of the pom or changes that I would make on it.
2006-10-01 16:16:52 · answer #2 · answered by santa s 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hey, well I'll start with the first stanza. i don't want to come off to harshly but the first two lines seem a little cliche. and you have a rhyme that u start with that you abandon in the last two lines. i liked the similar sounds you played with and i was looking for a
hook to reel me in. that just my personal preference.
i liked that second stanza!!!! consistent with your sounds and it makes me ask the question: is this god. was that your intention?
that third stanza threw me off because of my early assumption.
and then the last line of the poem brings me back to the same assumption. i like the poem i am just not sure were i should be.
hope i helped
2006-10-03 20:54:29 · answer #3 · answered by nhau o 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's lovely. Poetry comes deep within. Don't change a thing. You are the light and the salt of the earth. Never feel bad for that.
2006-10-01 16:32:47 · answer #4 · answered by mysticstargoddess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah it's pretty good! If I had any constructive critisism, I would say perhaps try to make your symbols a little more multilayered or subtle, but I like the terseness of the style.
2006-10-01 16:10:01 · answer #5 · answered by niwriffej 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The poem is not only beautiful but suburb. It is very, very deep ,almost hauntingly so.It has a spiritual depth to it, which exemplifies a lot of talent. It is all together lovely !!!! God Bless your talents, may you prosper in your creativity .
2006-10-03 00:18:36 · answer #6 · answered by Tinkerbelle 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I had to read this one a couple of times but I like it, be who you are and do not let any one take your passion from you. Yes I really like this poem.
2006-10-01 16:34:43 · answer #7 · answered by mysticideas 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's Deep Man... It makes me want to eat a bullet
2006-10-01 16:10:08 · answer #8 · answered by Import Beer Man 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like the prose, but it sounds like you are quite full of yourself. The line "showing what's wrong and what's right" makes me ask, who put you in charge.
2006-10-01 16:11:44 · answer #9 · answered by Emm 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Wow. I am so impressed with your poem! You really rock at it!
2006-10-05 06:49:44 · answer #10 · answered by mfirdaus89 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋