what would you say?

Question

an example:
there's a happy married couple.
the girl cannot bear children.
the guy does not care.
the girl crys whenever a person brings up the topic.
what would YOU tell the girl to comfort her if you were the guy?
girls, you can write it too if you have a good idea.

Answer 1

Her husband, perhaps, should talk to her about adopting. Obviously she wants children. If she won't discuss adoption, then she needs to get some counseling to help her deal with her grief in this matter.

Answer 2

I was actually IN that situation at one time... or at least I thought I was. I eventually was able to have children.
My husband was young and really didn't know how to handle it. He was not really in much of a hurry to have children. He just kept saying don't worry, it will happen.

But... I think... what I REALLY wanted to hear him say was this: "Hon, it's a damned shame that you can't have babies, because YOU would be the most TERRIFIC mother of anybody I can even imagine."

Maybe work on adopting if that's possible. But when a woman is upset about not having children, what she often wants is the validation that she would be successful at being a mother. She needs reassurance that you agree with her. She doesn't want to hear "That's OK"... because it isn't OK. She wants you to feel and SHARE her pain. She also needs for you to say something like, "You have so much more that's special about YOU." When a woman is infertile, she tends to feel less sexy, too... so it's really important that she get lots of positive attention from you, to reinforce her feelings of self worth & beauty. Romantic vacations.... things that you couldn't easily do together if you had children... those things will help as well. When we were trying for our first child, we bought a Harley Davidson, and took lots of short trips on it. Suddenly, I was pregnant.


Have you seen the movie "What Dreams May Come"..?
This isn't exactly the same.... but the concept is the same. Our life partners should share our misery, and go through it WITH us... not tell us we shouldn't feel the way we DO FEEL.

Please send me a message through my Yahoo profile, if I've misunderstood, or if you would like to talk more.

God Bless.

I♥♫→mia☼☺†

Answer 3

I assume the couple have discussed this subject and are open with each other about it. She knows that she is loved and that not being able to have children does not change that. I also assume that adoption has been discussed. Sometimes people will just hurt, and crying is simply an expression of this pain. You don't have to say anything. Just love her and let her cry. Give her the strength to deal with it in her own time. I would also speak to her friends and enlist their support. It is just a tough situation to be in.

Answer 4

I would tell her that in his infinate wisdom, God may be working to save her, her husband and possibly a child some tremendous heartache and discomfort. She simply has to trust that it is the best interests of all in Gods mind for her to not be a mother for some reason, which she may not understand. May not be the most easy answer to hear, yet it is honest. Many times, when we try to circumvent or by pass things, we only end up worse off for it.

Answer 5

Okay, well you've written down that the guy doesn't care so you've already made a judgement call right there.

Regardless of what a male will put across in a situation where he finds out he and his partner cannoy have children, it will affect him emotionally, psychologically, physically even sexually (given that sex is a procreational activity in its original purpose). Males are brought up to believe they must have an offspring so that the family line can continue to exist., It's a pressure they're put under.

These days it is a little easier but mostly because we can allocate responsibility for inability to bear children - I know that sounds awful - I'm just being technical here.

Now, in terms of emotions and how to best advise the guy on how to help his partner, he needs to just sit and listen.

She will be feeling alot too - bereft because the thing she wants - to bear children, she cannot do. She'll also be feeling like she's let her partner down and as though she was robbed by the universe.

I'd recommend that the couple try some counselling - they're in this together whether each of them likes it or not and taking separate approaches won't work. It needs to be a shared experience or they won't be able to move beyond it or it'll end up as a reason to cause cracks to an otherwise happy relationship.
That said, they can each receive counselling and seek out support groups but the experience should be a shared one overall because otherwise it'll create a divide.

The couple would also benifit from a holiday perhaps - time to rekindle things and as a mild diversion from the current stress surrounding the issue of child-birth.

Have the couple looked into IVF or surrogacy as options? These are expensive options but if the couple can afford them, they're worth considering.

Overall, I think the guy, whilst having valid feelings as well and therefore a legitimate need to be acknowledged, would be best just to take time off work and be at home with his partner and really listen to her - let her scream, rant, rave, cry and let her know that she can talk to him about it whenever she wants to or needs to. Closure is important but honestly, something like the ability to have children is a life-affecting experience and one that stays with the person. Tell him not to prepare for an end-date for when she will stop grieving this loss because there's no set date and it can come and go. Having him prepare for an end date means he'll be counting the days and not being with his partner emotionally and if she goes beyond the estimated time / date, he'll start getting frustrated and start moving on without her which can cause the relation to be negatively affected

My parents couldn't have children and back then IVF or Surrogacy weren't real options so my parents adopted myself and my brother but it's been an issue between my parents ever since because they didn't really mourn the loss of her ability to bear children and my brother and I were only a painful reminder of my mum's inability in this area.

They didn't talk, they didn't get counselling and whilst they are still together it's affected them so much.

Also, please refer them both to support groups - these can really help as sometimes it's hard to talk to people about it if they haven't been through it themselves.
Here's what not to do at this stage:
1) Don't bring up alteratives that mean her being a parent without giving birth - ie, don't mention foster-care or adoption or even surrogacy.
2) Don't tell her it's god's plan.
3) Don't tell her it's meant to be
4) Don't tell her she can be a parent through other friends.
5) Don't point out to her the benefits of not being a parent.
6) Don't tell her to get over it.
7) Don't tell her it's time to move on.
8) Don't tell her to go out and spend some money and comfort shop / eat.
9) Don't tell her you never wanted kids anyway.
10) Don't tell her she wouldn't have made a good parent anyway (I know someone who did this with his spouse and they got divorced within 2 months of him uttering the words).
11) Don't start hiding from her - it's hard but it's a process that takes time.
12) If she had started getting ready for a child, don't pack up the stuff she began preparing - bedrooms, clothing etc.
13) Don't stop her from talking through her feelings.
14) Don't try to have sympathy sex - let her decide what she wants.
15) Don't ever tell her it doesn't matter - it does.
16) Don't tell her to think about your feelings and stop being so selfish. (again I've seen this happen and whilst both people in the relationship are valid and need to be acknowledged for their suffering at a time like this, it still doesn't help to point it out)
17) Don't turn on the TV and try to tune her out or even have it on mute - just don't turn it on - it's one of the most dismissive and rude things anyone can do.

Elaborating on these points a little further:
Whatever the guy does at the moment, don't advise him to start bringing up the idea of being a happy childless couple or even things like adoption or foster-care. They are great suggestions but right now they're not ones she'll be wanting to hear as she can interpret them to mean that she's got no right to mourn her loss.

Also if he wants the relationship to continue warn him strongly not to ever say 'It doesn't matter' - that's the most soul destroying thing in a situation like this as she needs to be validated and supported and 'It doesn't matter' is such a cruel, dismissive thing to say.

I hope I've helped you achieve some perspective in this situation somewhat. Sorry I wrote so much.

If either of the couple want to, let them know they can contact me to talk further (I'm finishing a welfare degree, am a child to a couple that couldn't have kids, and I hope I can help them in some way).

Please pass my sympathies on to the couple.
Sincerely,
Meg.

Answer 6

God's will is perfect and he has a reason for everything he does- we are just to busy looking at the closed door -that we don't see the open window

Answer 7

ome professional counseling would really help to get them on the same page again, and lots of kids out there who could use a god home, look into adopting.

Answer 8

i would tell her not to worry we can spoil each other or if it is that important for you have kids i will look into adoption and we will that happy family you want us to be

Answer 9

GIVE HER A HUG AND TELL HER IT REALLY DOES NOT MATTER.

Answer 10

HONEY WE HAVE EACH OTHER AND IF YOU WANT CHILDREN WHEN WE CAN AFFORD IT WE CAN ADOPT.