what do you think of this poem i wrote? [I'm twelve]?

Question

anyways, you can see me in deviantart... i'm w1nt3r-th0ts23

and, can you think of a better title for this poem?

Depressed

Her head poised down as she slouched
Hearing people whisper she has no worth
But she knew, she knew she was worthless,
For she was loathed and hated since birth.

For all these years, she walked alone
Her soul feeling used, beaten and empty
She knew there was nothing left for her
Hope was long gone, there was no light to see.

Her flimsy black hair kept her from seeing,
The cruel world and its ruthless people,
She has had enough of the ferocity
But killing herself, she was not yet capable.

She knew she was unloved by every one
But she has no other better choice
Why should she spend her life with them?
When they don't want to listen to her voice?

She always questions this sour life,
But knows nobody will ever answer,
Nobody will ever be there to help,
While she just cries, her eyes glimmer.

How many days are left till she goes away?
She counts down the days eagerly and waits
She sits there by herself, lost in thoughts
Her mind drifting from the life she terribly hates.

She hid everything in her masked diary
Those emotions that she always couched
So she just lets the days pass by
Her head poised down as she slouched.

Answer 1

Your title describes the poem pretty well. You might also consider Estranged or Unwanted.

The poem definitely has some good things about it, and some that are not so good, if it is judged as the work of an adult. For someone 12 years old, I think it is remakable, because it has some things about it that most adults will never be able to do. I'm talking about the regular four line stanzas, the rhymes, and a good natural rhythm and good word choices for both meaning and sound in most of it. Some words don't mean exactly what you intend them to mean (couched). "Eagerly" is not the way a depressed person does anything. You've got rhymes at the ends of alternate lines but ask yourself if they add something to the sound of the poem when it's read out loud. I don't think they always do add something. They need to be more solidly connected in sound. The good thing about them is that they are not strained and the meaning is not strained just to make a rhyme. This is a remarkable piece of writing for a 12-year-old. If you keep it up, you will do some amazing things sooner or later.

Answer 2

I've read your poem and I can feel the passion you are feeling. I've written this poem myself many years ago and I know the pain of what you are going through and that it is really hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith that life can and will get better because I am going to help you if you will let me. E-mail me immediately
And no, I can't think of a better title.

Answer 3

on my own - Edgar Allen Poe From formative years's hour I even have not been As others have been — I even have not seen As others observed — i could not convey My passions from someone-friendly spring — From an identical source I even have not taken My sorrow — i could not awaken My heart to exhilaration on an identical tone — And all I lov'd — I lov'd on my own — Then — in my formative years — interior the daybreak Of a maximum stormy life — became into drawn From ev'ry intensity of sturdy and unwell The secret which binds me nonetheless — From the torrent, or the fountain — From the purple cliff of the mountain — From the sunlight that 'around me roll'd In its autumn tint of gold — From the lightning interior the sky because it bypass'd me flying by potential of — From the thunder, and the typhoon — And the cloud that took the type (whilst something of Heaven became into blue) Of a demon for my area. or: Funeral Blues - W.H. Auden end each and every of the clocks, decrease off the telephone, ward off the dogs from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum convey out the coffin, enable the mourners come. enable aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message he's ineffective. placed crepe bows around the white necks of the well-known public doves, enable the site visitors policemen placed on black cotton gloves. He became into my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday relax, My midday, my ineffective night, my communicate, my music; i assumed that love might final continually: i became into incorrect. the celebs are actually not needed now; placed out one and all, %. up the moon and dismantle the sunlight, Pour away the sea and sweep up the woods; For not something now can ever come to any solid.

Answer 4

Sad and depressing
Only your masked diary knew everything.
Why not share
For there are others who care.
Open your heart,
Look hard enough,
You'll never have to be alone,
It's a beautiful world out there ;-)

(Hope this poem is not about you!) Cheers!

Answer 5

Wow! That's some poem for a kid.Not keen on the title,try "Alone","Her World" or "Solitude",something like that. Can I have your autograph when you publish your first book?!

Answer 6

Very deep, I hope these are not your tru feelings, you are only 12 you have a loong life ahead, no matter how bad it is now it will get better, I know.

better title: Down and slouched

Answer 7

Very good. The title sounds like a great already.

Answer 8

Is a really good poem, I'm not a professional, but it sound like someone who's crying for help, may be you should see a doctor.

Answer 9

Nice. I like dark poems.

Answer 10

poetic. sad. i'm not crazy about poems that rhyme. have you used it for an english or writing class yet? sounds like you have talent.
great job.