whenever she is asked to do something -put shoes away, brush teeth etc - if she is not in the mood she starts shouting and swearing. i give her 5 minutes where upon she throws things and swears at me. another 5 min. this goes on for ages. don't want to let her off with things as that is not teaching her anything, definately will not ease up on the 5 minutes when she starts hitting and swearing. we don't believe in hitting, we don't swear, we have tried early to bed, no sweets, ignoring it completely ( just makes her worse) a pebble for every good thing she does and when she gets 40 she gerts half an hour of my time to do whatever she chooses - if not doing as asked she loses a pebble. this resulted in the pebbles being thrown at me. HELP.
2006-10-01 11:03:32 · 18 answers · asked by magicalle 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
daughter been adopted for 6 years. spend loads of time with her and her sister, thought if she got me solely to herself for 30 min it might make a difference - no such luck. behaves well at school, clever, when she is good she is very very good and when she is in a mood we all know about it. help
2006-10-01 11:41:18 · update #1
The first thing I'd like to say is that this lady's problem disproves the point that all 'non-smackers' make: i.e. smacking a child only shows them violence. Seems that although you don't smack your daughter, she's still violent!
Smacking a child (not beating or abusing) shows them who's in charge. You've let your daughter get away with too much and she's becoming uncontrollable by all accounts. Hmmmm. Wait until she gets into her teens. By not using the threat of a smack (an ultimate threat used as infrequently as possible) you have nothing left when she's acting up badly.
This 'pebble' business, and letting her have half an hour of your time, makes me think that maybe you're not there all the time? Do you work? (by that I mean outside the home!)
I wonder if some of the blame can be laid at the door of who her friends are? You say you don't swear, but maybe she's mixing with a dodgy bunch of kids. Presumably, you've tried grounding her? Taking away favourite things for a period of time?
Do you buy her lots of things? Toys, magazines, clothes? Maybe she gets too much!
You obviously love your daughter, but, quite frankly, I cannot understand any mother who lets her daughter hit and swear at her. I suggest the next time she does this you give her a damn good wallop (around the legs or bottom) and tell her exactly why you've done it. If she hits out, do it again (in a controlled way). You are presumably bigger than she is so she shouldn't be getting the better of you.
Kids should learn from birth that there is a pecking order in a family and that the mother and father are to be respected. You will never get respect if you don't bring her into line. You only have to look around you at lots of kids today. There's no corporal punishment in schools now and less and less at home. And what do we have? An increasingly violent society. Strange that.
One more thing: I don't know what her diet is, but my advice would be to cut out fizzy drinks, junk food etc. Diet is known to affect many children adversely. I know a woman who cut out processed foods from her son's diet and the change in his character was phenomenal.
2006-10-01 12:57:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Magicalle. 40 Stones for half an hour, that is a mile stone even for me and I am a lot older than 10. Although children need to be able to achieve things it must be achievable in a limited period. This young girl should not have to beg for time with you, it should be a normal thing. I have two children 14 and 16 I brought them up from the age of 2 and 4 when their mother died suddenly. We all went through some very bad times and their behaviour became out of control. How ever after a while I started rewarding them for good behaviour which was based on how many gold stars they could get for good behaviour and was taken over a week.
At the weekend we would all look at the star board and the child with the highest number of gold stars could choose the week end activity. The children's attitude and their behaviour got better very quickly and we were soon able to do with out the star board. The children are getting great marks at school and the family is better for all.
2006-10-01 12:55:57 · answer #2 · answered by David Wilson 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Shouting and swearing at age 10???? OMG!!! I'm assuming you've let her away with a lot of bad behaviour and that's probably the reason she's like this. My kids got smacked on the backside when they were little and did something wrong, they are now 20 and 17 and still don't swear at me or in front of me!!!! Occasionally the odd swear word slips out but they apologise, and I've been told I'm too soft with my kids!!!!
Erm....pebbles...??? What's that all about..? When my daughter was about 13 or 14 and she had done something I wasn't happy about, (I can't even remember what it was now) I went into her bedroom and cut all the plugs off her tv, video, hi-fi etc., and left her without any form of entertainment for about a month. She got the message LOL
Good old-fashioned smacking doesn't do any harm at all, as long as its within reason. I was smacked on the backside as a child for wrong-doing, smacking over the head is a definite no-no!
Kids need to know who is in control. Looks like your kid is in control in your household!! That's bad!
2006-10-01 11:19:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
She is having some good old fashioned temper tantrums, and the best thing for you to do is when you say "No" then let it mean "no." Do not cave in for anything. Tell her that it doesn't matter what she asks for, if she does not ask for it politely, she won't get it. Whatever it is, its an instant No.
When you ask her to do things, also practice being polite.
If she throws a tantrum, pin her arms to her sides, make sure she is facing you and listening, and say "If you do not stop screaming and throwing and acting like a spoiled brat, I will give you a spanking that'll knock the tar out of your grandkids"
If she does not stop promptly, do not count to three, try to beg or command or bribe her to stop, simply give her the promised spanking that will knock the tar out of her grandkids. After all, you Did warn her, and she chose the consequences that goes along with disobedience.
It's obvious she believes in hitting, even though you have tried to teach her otherwise. Maybe after getting a spanking, she will decide to change her belief system.
2006-10-01 11:13:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all - ignore Ian's answer.
Now, you need to get some help here - for you and for her. I am not talking about a softly softly approach, but I am saying that this sounds like severe behavioural issues more than just a naughty rebellious girl. I recommend seeing your GP to ask for a referral to a specifically trained unit where they can help you sort through whatever issues surround you and or her then find some choices for your personal situation. May also be worth finding out if her behaviour is at all similar in school. She is too old already for you to simply use brute force - it will not work.
Good luck. I know it is physically and emotionally exhausting and you feel as if you are a failure often. Go get some outside help. Its ok to do so.
2006-10-01 11:11:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Firstly, switch from pebbles to something softer like marshmallows in a jar, smarties or something other than a projectile or missile! Secondly - don't smack her. She is just as frustrated as you are. I agree you need to go to seek out help here. Maybe your GP can advise you of any anger management courses she can go to with you? You need support here too so speak to the Doc' alone about how you are coping. As for your daughter......try hard to ignore her tantrums. Reward her with your attention when she behaves and it sounds like you need to spend more time with her than 1/2 an hour! Is this all the poor kid gets from you in a day? Are you being too rigid here. If she doesn't put her shoes away just calmly pick them up and tell her if she wants them they are in the bin. She will soon get tired of fishing them out of there! When she does do what you ask her tell her you really appreciate her help in keeping 'our' house tidy. Give her ownership and responsibility. Where has she learnt the swearing from by the way......is this how you talk to her too without realising it? You need to show her the same respect you are expecting from her.....you are her life teacher!!! don't forget that!
2006-10-01 11:14:18 · answer #6 · answered by Confuzzled 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Prayer can change the process of your daughter mind set. She has to learn or be taught how to respect your house and rules. You can't baby her negative behavior what ever rules you set you can't break them because it hurts. I am just wondering does she act like this outside of the household? Most of the time a child acts out because they are in need of something, as just a simple hug or positives praise.
She is ten years old you don't need any pebbles to set rules, you should only tell her once if she can't comply with what was required then for the rest of the day or until she can follow rules no TV, outside, or whatever you set.
If you continue to break the rules then she will never get on the page with you. we all have choice try simple but be firm the whole day.
2006-10-01 11:16:07 · answer #7 · answered by M M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
the pebbles are a great idea though i feel reward her with your time isnt right ... by the sounds of things your attention is what shes craving and thats what shes gets by acting up she gets your attention so its not really an reward geting half an hour of your time...find half an hour a day just to spend with here to do arts & crafts etc.. and praise her for her good behaviour
i would up the reward e.g. a trip to the cinema with a friend etc...
but as for the kicking and swearing i would just send her to her room and shut the door show her she doesnt get your attention for being agressive she comes out send her back but just dont show any emotion !! If she hits you take her to the local police station and ask them to lock her up for 10 mins ... sort of a short sharp shock...( the police are ussually very understanding ) worked for my brother when he was about that age hes now going on 21
2006-10-01 11:10:45 · answer #8 · answered by shagkitten21 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
this is attention seeking, i think you are going the right way with the pebble thing, maybe bring the amount down to 20 so she starts to see the rewards sooner, then you can slowly increase it to 40 again. i think the treat should change to something else, so you can give her the sole attention i think she is craving. try talking to her as well maybe something is troubling her
2006-10-01 23:28:46 · answer #9 · answered by scoobybird2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she is looking for attantion. go to her bad every morning ped her head tell her you love her. pull her comforter, cover her and tack the sides and quitly leave the room. night time when she is sleeping go to her room and tack her again. that showes you are thinking about her day and the night. try to comminicate without talking. answer to her questions with yes or no.thread her as adult. ask her what she is thinking about any problem. tel her what is good about her. dont critizse her dont get mad for every mistake she does. she is too young she cant understand you. you have to understand her and be patient with love. kids know who loves them. you tel her what is bad they will always remember. watch her friend. it is very important.she wants to be alone with her thought.give her space dont worry she is going to brush her theeth and clean her room when she find piece in her
good luck
2006-10-01 11:40:21 · answer #10 · answered by jansettt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋