Steps to Staying Calm
The first step to defusing that upsurge of angry energy is to realize that it is possible to be provoked into an argumentative situation at any given moment. Defiant, argumentative people do not really want to hear, listen or receive what you have to say. They are poised and ready to spring into defiance and disagreeableness. They are set to discount any, if not all, of your perceptions, thoughts or feelings. They are rejectors and life with them is usually punctuated with unpleasantness, fights and yes, even violence. These are the people that you just want to punch and throw through a wall. Real closeness and intimacy with them is virtually next to impossible.
The second step, if possible, is to avoid deep intimate relationships with such people. They will only cause you grief. Their attacks on your character will bring out sides of yourself that you will not like. It is best to form close relationships only with those people who do not trigger your intense, negative reactions. There are so many wonderful, agreeable, positive people in this world with whom you can get along. So why struggle! You have a right to receive as much happiness, joy and pleasure as you can stand. Remember, entering into relationships with provocative people will only make you unhappy and could injure your self-esteem. Put downs are not a positive experience, so avoid vexatious people. Learn how to control your angry/anxious reactions when in the company of such individuals. Your first response to such negative interactions may be to raise your voice. If this happens, it is an indication that you have a need that is not being met.
The third step to defusing angry energy is to realize that most provocative situations involve a competition for need satisfaction. You may feel that someone is being insensitive to your needs. The truth is, the other person also has needs to be satisfied you are both in competition. For example, there is a group of kids being very noisy in the next room. You are watching television and they are interfering with your need for relaxation and entertainment. However, in reality, they are only trying to satisfy their need for playful fun and are not being deliberately provocative. They only want to satisfy their needs, the same as you. Your anger rises, but you immediately let it go and remain calm. You choose to postpone satisfying your needs for the moment. On the other hand, you could have satisfied your needs first by gently telling the children to keep the noise down. Either way of handling the situation prevents your getting upset and allows the kids to keep playing without disturbing you. Everybody wins and you have kept your cool.
When I was a young boy I saw two neighborhood fathers fist fighting over their kids and a rubber ball. A simple dispute escalated into full scale warfare between grown men. The fight started with their children but soon involved the whole neighborhood. In my opinion the quarrel should have stayed with the kids. Parents should stay out of such disputes and only enter to remove their children if the action gets too hot and heavy. That way, you protect your child and you do not get involved with your rage and violence. The choice of not fighting fits into your philosophy of not being able to successful get what you want in this manner.
The fourth step is avoid becoming triangled into someone else's quarrel and this method of choosing not to get angry keeps that from occuring. It is always better to send the antagonists back to each other in order to work things out. That way you do not make their problem, your problem. The rule of thumb: if two or more people are acting provocatively it is better to separate them by pulling yourself or your child out of the fracas. If you don't, you will be in danger of being provoked. That situation will not get your needs met ... your goal is to get your needs met without being provoked into rage.
2006-10-01 10:57:42 · 3 answers · asked by Kimberly S 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Well, dear, it's simple. Analyze their faults(see a pattern), make sure you are accurate, and roast 'em by simply telling them what kind of person they are. If they deny it, stay the H away from 'em.
2006-10-01 11:11:37 · answer #1 · answered by maggie w 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Thoughtful commentary; and, yes, these are approaches and mind sets to avoid escalating tensions.
2006-10-01 18:08:59 · answer #2 · answered by ElOsoBravo 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
sorry i dont like to read books :)
2006-10-01 18:05:03 · answer #3 · answered by thought 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋