Why do friends and family members love to comapare babies?

Question

I just had a funny conversation with my cousin who thinks I'm a horrible parent, and I'm depriving my child because my baby's room is not all done up "nursery theme style" with banners and posters and etc. All that is nice, but I explained I'd rather her select her own theme for her room once she gets into different characters in a few years. Shes only 9 months, I see nothing wrong with keeping things neutral. My oldest turned out to be a Sponge Bob addict at age 2, so all the Pooh Bear baby crap I spent hundreds of dollars on got the royal toss for hundreds of dollars of Sponge Bob (and Batman) merchandise.

She e-mailed me elaborate pics of her baby's nursery. Done all in Classic Pooh, down to the rugs, nuts and bolts. She asked me if I even loved my baby, since I didn't "go all out". What does this have to do with love? I have just learned my lesson from my first one. All this comparing crap gets on my last nerves!!

Answer 1

I agree that has nothing to do with love. Maybe your cousin feels that this is good parenting, giving the best of the best. It may make her feel good and that's ok as long as the baby isn't getting neglected. I agree with what you are saying about letting the child pick out what they want. It drove me crazy when people would ask me if they could see the nursery after my daughter was born and never mind the looks when I said it wasn't ready. I had nothing in there but the crib. Now (she's 1), I have paintings done by a Kenyan artist that hung in my husband's nursery when he was a baby and I made a curtain out of an old yet not worn table cloth because it just happened to match. When she wants Sponge Bob, Nemo, Cinderella or what ever it may be then I will spend the money.

It drives me nuts that parents feel that to show love means you have to buy something. I don't buy into the whole marketing crap.

Answer 2

Some people are very anal about their kids rooms. A lot of people thought I was horrible too. When we found out I was pregnant with my first child I had just painted the spare bedroom (which was now going to be the baby's room) a nice warm blue. So people kept asking me what I was going to do with the room. I said the room would stay blue wether it was a boy or a girl and I got a neutral bedding set from the John Lennon baby collection. Some people were like "Oh". And when my baby turned out to be a girl they were wondering why I was not going to re-paint the room pink. Why? What did they think will happen if a girl is in a blue room? I am now expecting baby 2 and people are asking me again what I am doing with the room. And I just say, my daughter is moving into the other spare bed room and baby will get the same thing she had. Like you said, that stuff cost hundreds of dollars, and there is no way I am going to re-purchase anything. And my daughters new room we painted yellow with a butterfly theme comforter with bright colors. She loves Nemo, Elmo, Spongebob, Disney, but honestly I could not deal with having a whole room dedicated to that.

Answer 3

We all have anxieties about whether the way we're raising our child is "right." Comparing is one of the major ways we evaluate our own performance. Sometimes, it's an excuse for bragging, which sounds like what your cousin is doing. I wouldn't worry about it too much. She's the one needing validation.

As far as nursery color schemes, I suggest keeping things bright and colorful, but you don't need a character theme to do that. For instance, the dresser across from my baby's crib was bright white with four drawers; red, green, yellow and blue. This became a great tool for organization too - at 2 years old, my son could help put his laundry away - red for underwear and socks; green for shirts; blue for pants; yellow for pajamas.

I'd rather my toddler know his colors, letters and numbers, rather than Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too!

Answer 4

I can think of a couple of things:

First, this is a classic sign of insecurity. She's attempting to "prove herself", even if it's only to you. You say she thinks you're "a horrible parent", when it's probably something closer to the reverse. She's probably deeply worried that SHE'S the horrible parent, and she's turning that worry towards you. Trying to "find" flaws in others and pointing out how well you do that particular job/situation/task/etc. is an attempt to push down your own "possible" mistakes.

Was your cousin also raised with a sibling or two? It might also be a kind of sibling rivalry. Or possibly her parents always told her that what she did was never "good enough", which would go back to that insecurity and her attempts to prove herself to you.

I'd say next time she trys to email you or talk to you about this kind of thing, tell her flat out that's it's 1. none of her business and 2. the subject is closed. If she insists, you don't have to talk to her if she's going to keep attacking you.

Your reasoning behind why you decorate the baby room the way you do is perfectly logical. So long as you're keeping your child mentally stimulated with the proper toys and education, there's no reason you should have to go with her logic.

Personally, if I was in your shoes, next time she brings it all up, I'd just respond with, "Hm. Sounds like SOMEONE'S insecure about their own decorating job. Why do you care so much about what I'm doing?" She'll probably be too offended to bring the subject back up again.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation!

Answer 5

LOL. Your friend is wrong. While I do have a nursery all set up for my daughter (as nice as I could get it at least.... considering the lack of space, her nursery is also mine and my husbands bedroom...) A nursery is just for the parent to look at and enjoy. The baby will not care whether they had pooh bear everywhere or nothing at all. The baby will never remember their nursery. Its strictly for the parents enjoyment. She sounds too materialistic if you ask me. Cute stuff and wasting money on 200 dollar bedding sets does not equal love for your baby.

Answer 6

If it makes you feel better, we call Winnie the Pooh STINKY THE POOH in this house. Just what I want my kids to listen to, a whiny bear. Anyway, I know exactly what you are talking about. Little Jim Bob across the street is walking so what are you doing wrong. It's nuts. Maybe by putting you down they are making themselves feel better in some way. It's pretty sad really. (Maybe they weren't breast fed as children LOL)

Answer 7

your not depriving your child, youre waiting until s/he can express their own opinion on what they would like to see in their room. encouraging your child to have an opinion. babies that young only really go to their room to sleep so their no point in doing it all up, not yet. my babies room has a poster of pooh bear and thats it, until she can tell me what she would like on her walls.

Answer 8

Sounds like she has issues which will pass down to her child. Laugh and tell her that you enjoy being a practical & free parent.

Answer 9

It is interesting how innate our defensiveness is when it comes to our children. Even simply sharing details somehow turns into oneupmanship. I applaud you for recognizing the ridiculousness of it and rising above it's sillyness.

Answer 10

some people like to show their love through the things they buy but that is not love.. love is the feelign you give them not the things you buy.... ignore her. you know how to love them and bring them up by making them choose what they want rather than what you want for them... you are a great parent. good luck with your kids