Why can't I get over my husband?

Question

I recently found out that my husband of 3yrs was cheating, I made him leave that day, but still love him and want to see him.....WHY?? I know deep down that I should have nothing to do w/ him, shouldnt talk to him, etc....but why do I feel like I still want too? Please help - Im going out of my mind.

Before I found this out, he hardly told me he loved me, but now - he tells me everytime he talks to me...Is he just using me? Trying to keep me on the back-burner in case something doesnt work out somewhere else?

Answer 1

That's the thing about cheating. When you discover it, it is extremely painful. Even if you give in to the anger and toss them out, it doesn't put an end to all the other feelings you have.

I am divorcing my wife of 20 years for chronic infidelity, marijuana use around my children, marijuana use with one of my children, and even worse things. Her parenting choices are the things that finally pushed me over the edge.

In spite of all that, I can honestly say that I still love her. Sometimes, I mourn the loss of our relationship. (It feels similar to the death of a loved one.) Sometime, I long for her touch. Stupid, eh?

What you do from here is entirely your choice. This one of the really upside-down things about infidelity. It's the faithful partner that bears most the weight. (After discover, the cheater has actually had one of their burdens lifted.) You have to make the biggest choices. The future of the relationship is on your shoulders. It's just not fair, but that's how it is.

From what I've read, infidelity that occurs early in a marriage usually ends it. When it occurs later in a marriage, there's more history, perhaps children, and other reasons to try to fix it.

Again, the question here is entirely about you. What do you want to do? The way that you describe your feelings indicates to me that you'd like to try. There are a few articles and website that I've linked below. Some I found on my own. One was recommended to me by a truly awesome participant of Y!A.

If you want to talk, click my avatar and send me a message. Here are some words that I find comforting. I hope they help you.

"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe." -- J. Michael Straczynski

Answer 2

I have been where you are and I have friends that have been where you are. It is like I tell my friends, you cannot turn your feelings on and off like a faucet. It takes time. This is the person you have been with for at least 3 years of your life. This is the person you dreamed of being with for the rest of your life. Of course you don't just stop caring. You didn't say what he is saying or how much time has passed. Is this his first affair? I do believe people can cheat once and never again but there are people who show a pattern of being unfaithful. Is he asking for forgiveness? Is he remorseful? Does he regret what he did? Not just because he was busted though. Marriages can work after an affair but it takes allot of work from both parties. If working it out is not an option, then you need to work on yourself. Don't sit at home. Anytime a friend asks you go to someplace, go whether you feel like it or not. Volunteer. Do anything that gets you out of the house and changes your routine. You have to make new routines. You need to consult an attorney to protect yourself and your assets. Get counseling. Find a hobby. I had to make new friends. My old friends were all married and their husbands did not want them hanging out with a newly single female. I made some awesome new friends though. Here I am almost 6 years later and I have a wonderful fiance'. We are going to be married in November and now I feel as if my ex did me a favor. I wished it had worked out for my son's sake but for me I am happier and more content now than ever before. Sometimes just because we love someone and want to be with someone, doesn't mean we should. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

When my ex husband left me and our son for another woman, I felt as though my world was completely destroyed. I too thought I was going to lose my mind. It took time and opening my eyes to a new world with new possibilities and today I am happily remarried to a man I love with all my heart. My ex will always have a place in my heart because we share a child together. But looking back all the pain I went through was worth it to get to the life I have now. So know that there is life after love and sometimes you are fortunate enough to find a better and even stronger love than you ever thought was possible. So give it time and don't give up. If you were faithful and he wasn't then you deserve better. And I don't take divorce lightly but if he committed adultery then you have grounds for a divorce and all the right to start a new life with someone that will be faithful to you.

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear that. I can empathize with what you are feeling. You didn't mention how long ago this happened. I believe the reason why you still deep down want him in your life is because you are in love with him. After all, that is why you got married in the first place. Just because he wrongs you in a horrible way that doesn't mean that it turns your love off. It means that it simply turns the pain on.
I would really spend some time to take a look at your relationship, why it happened to decide if it is worth saving. Counseling is always helpful. Just remember that you are worth being the only woman in his life, that is what he vowed. If this is something he takes lightly, you need to pull yourself up from your boot straps and move on. It is time to start thinking from your head and not your heart.
I have been in your shoes but in a much much worse way, and I am making it. SO CAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

There is a reason why you married him , and you cant get over him because you were married to him and very much in love with him, so if you think you can be happy with him even though he did cheat on you then forgive him, but if you think he might ever do it again and if you know in your heart you can't live with him knowing what he did then you should not bother to waste your time thinking about him. Think about this if you two got back together how would you relationship be....would you always think he is cheating and would you always be suspicious of him because unless you can let that go there is no way your relationship will work because you will be going crazy and you will drive him crazy as well. But personally I wouldn't go back or care because if he did it once what makes you think he wouldn't do it again?

Answer 6

We never stop loving the people we fall in love with, for the reason we fell in love with them. Instead, it's all of the other things we later learn about them that causes the whole of the relationship to be more negative, than positive, and thus makes it seem as if we do not love them anymore. And that's what hurts; you miss the things you loved about him.

Sometimes people make mistakes, because they don't think about all the long term effects it can have on their life; they just go after what they want at the moment. He made the mistake of cheating on you, but did you then make a mistake by leaving him? For a relationship is more than just fidelity, it's also about friendship, common interests and goals.

And so, perhaps another part of your problem is, that you aren't really sure if giving all the other stuff you had together is worth giving up for that one bad thing. For he did not leave you, to cheat with her, he left her to remain with you. Only you can answer that question.

Answer 7

First of all GOOD JOB telling that bastard to get out. I know that was hard but most women wont even do that. Its natural for you to miss him and want to see him. You want an explanation or to hear some reasoning behind it to make you feel better but what can he really say that will change what he has done? Nothing. He cheated, period. He will most likely do it again and is that something you want to spend your life wondering about?

I feel so bad that this has happened to you but try to think of this as a new beginning to find someone else or just to spend time with YOU doing whatever you want to do. Don't let him back in your life. You cant ever forget what he has done so why out yourself through more torture?

Busy yourself with work and friends and going out. Pick up a new hobby or do something new that you never got to do before. Good luck.

Answer 8

Because u love ur husband and ur not quite ready to lose him. Lady, b4 throwing ur husband out the door, u should've asked him y he cheated. Unless you have any information y he did. I know rage takes the better of us. Being rational is just impossible at that time.

So he's out the door now? Do u know where he went? If u still want to talk to him and u know where to reach him, go ahead make the effort for ur own peace of mind. I know u want to be sure where u stand now with him. Talk to him and then decide what to do. Will it be "make or break" ? I hope u find the strength to get thru this. Ur husband is also going thru something, i just don't know what. Good luck!

Answer 9

It's perfectly normal for you to feel this way. Sometimes it's just easier to deal with the crap, than think about having to satrt all over again. Or you could be feeling insecure about yourself because of what he did, thinking if he didn't want you nobody else would either. Wrong! Don't worry, that feeling will go away. Get out there and have some fun, do some things for yourself, go out with friends, and just let loose a couple of times. It will feel like a breath of fresh air. I let my ex get away woth it for those very reasons, and than one day I said enough is enough. I felt great! The best I had felt in 10 years. I dated, but no serious relationships for over a year, I wanted to give myself some time and some freedom. It was the best thing I ver did. Now I have been with a guy (8 yrs youger than me!) for over 4 years, we have a home together, and he is the best thing that has happened to me, not to mention it really pissed my ex off to see me with some young hottie, and he was with this fat skanky thing! Yep, that was a true Kodak moment.....LMAO!

Answer 10

The cheater usually only feels the need to say sorry, and that they love you when they have gotten caught. They wanted their cake and to eat it too. If he had not gotten caught, he wouldn't be telling you that he loves you, and he would still be cheating on you. That is not respect. It is going to hurt you, because you were betrayed. You were married to the man and loved him. He is hurting now, cause you let him go. I think he deserves to hurt, and not know that you care. Didn't he hurt you first? He just wants to have your forgiveness, so he doesn't have to deal with his pain. It has nothing to do with, lessing the pain you have, which is selfish of him. Like I said, if he didn't get caught he wouldn't have felt bad. If he had felt bad, before you knew, then he wouldn't have been unfaithful to begin with.