May you please read my stories? Wanna hear what you have say.?

Question

Read It and tell me how it made you feel, and how I can improve.

http://www.tokyopop.com/Lolita12/fiction/

Answer 1

I too liked the story, it sounds like it could be made into a b-rated fictional movie. (not intended as an insult) You need to expound a little on some of the one-liners. It sounds like you are trying to quickly get the reader to move on and not leaving much to the imagination. If you allow the reader to identify with the characters in your story they will feel the story come alive. The man that was killed, should have a name. The officers that were killed, a brief description of their lives, Example: Officers Kane and Owen sat in their cars, waiting for the return of the murderer, Kane was the Senior officer, he had been with the police force for some 40 years, he was just about to retire, just one more week and he could live out his days sipping Pina Coladas, and playing his favorite oldies music. " I'm telling you, whether we catch this sick maniac or not, I'm still retiring, ain't nothing taking me away from my time of life." said Kane, dryly, as he focused on a distant movement. " Yeah, well I want all the action I can get and if this gets me on the map, hey better for me." commented Owen. This was his second day on the force, he was full of determination to make a positive impression that he was, overly "trigger happy". Crazy rookie, thought Kane, if he don't get himself killed I'll be surprised. That's when they heard it.... the soft sound of laughter.
Anyway not to redo your story, but when you can identify with your characters it gets you closer to them. In the mean time keep up the good work, and do not be put off by any comments, It is with this type of experience you become a learned writer.
Good luck and God Bless.

paula s.

Answer 2

Its a great start... however I found it too choppy. The sentence structure made it difficult to read and the capital letters at the beginning of each word made it hard to see where sentences start and stop. Your sentences are too short. The spelling also needs work.

The story line was interesting and made me feel somewhat excited by the action in the first paragraph. When I got to the second paragraph the story seemed to tone down and lose some of its excitability. You skipped over several areas that could have been more detailed, like the investigation, the collection of the first body, and the reason the cops would stake out the alleyway. I also feel you could have had more drama (or build-up) in the attacks. There is really none. Keep the woman a secret for a while. Write her up in a more mysterious way. Use sounds, smells and the victims feelings to produce the fear you are looking for. Hope this criticism is what you were looking for.

Answer 3

"In A Alley" is a cool idea, but I might have slowed it down a little, perhaps by using a build-up. Maybe the guy had a strange feeling that he was being watched, or just a premonition that something bad was going to happen to him. The sword should hiss thorough the air, making it the last sound the guy hears before shedding the mortal coil. The killer's laugh should echo into the night as she mysteriously flies away into the night. Nice job...watch spelling and punctuation, but you sound young, and that is curable, so to speak.
Good Luck!