My best friend has been married for 5 years, and as of lately her husband has been asking her about her past lovers. I told her it was wrong of him, but she does not know what to do , please give true advice
2006-10-01 05:04:53 · 33 answers · asked by Ginger M 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Hmm...sounds like he is feeling insecure about something recently then. It's kind of inappropriate just because...what does it matter anyway? I guess if I was her I would counter his question with this question "what's wrong, and why is this so important all of a sudden?" Something is bothering him, and it may or may not have anything to do with the relationship.
Hope this helps
2006-10-01 05:08:38 · answer #1 · answered by Chistiaŋ 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
That totally depends. I would say that should have happened BEFORE marriage. He is within his rights to ask if she has ever had VD, when was she last tested, what does she enjoy, what does she not enjoy, if she has had an abortion, if she has any kids, if she has ever been sexually assaulted, what does she want to explore that she never has. Again- BEFORE marriage, and many of those questions should come when the relationship is very serious, there has been a deep level of trust established, and marriage is now being considered.
But AFTER marriage, it's a done deal, and he has no business asking questions about her past,unless something is going on now that was affected by something in her past- for example if they are having a hard time having kids, there may be something that could lead to an answer - a previous miscarriage, an abortion, certain forms of birth control, etc. but to ask questions about stuff like "how many people have you been with?' or "did Mr. X do this to you?" or "Am I better than Mr. Y?" or "Was Mr. W's penis as big as mine?"
All that is stupid and inappropriate. Once your're married, all questions about the past should be over, it should be all about the now and the future.
2006-10-01 05:16:41 · answer #2 · answered by Curious 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Seems weird that after five years of marriage he all of a sudden wants to know her sexual past. Is he worried about his sexual health for some reason. I would think that talk should have happened before the marriage. Nevertheless, I think my sexual life is private and I want it to stay that way. What exactly is he asking is it the amount of men she's been with or is he feeling as if he's not making her happy in bed. If she really wants to answer him... I would just say that no one compares and he's the best, that's why she married him, maybe his ego needs a boost. I would never give numbers though, it only opens up more issues. Tell her to get more clarity about this question. Also everyone has a past even him, it's not wise to bring up things that have no relevance now, that's a loaded question if he insists then he has to tell her about his past. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. But tell her to keep faque if she answers and to let him know he's all that matters to her now.
2006-10-01 05:17:18 · answer #3 · answered by Pearl N 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
She probably doesn't know what to do because you gave her bad advice.
How can you say it's wrong?!!
She has the right to refuse to admit certain things, of course. But a persons past is always with them, can always come back to haunt them, so a spouse has the right to ask, if not KNOW about things that their partner has done. Or who they've been with.
It doesn't matter how long he left it to ask. The question is still relevant. If she thinks it's suspicious that he's suddenly asking it could be that he has come across some information or met an old flame or something. He could just be curious.
Sounds like your friend has something to hide, otherwise she'd just fess up.
2006-10-01 05:44:46 · answer #4 · answered by Fluffy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has not done anything wrong by asking, as you have told your friend. It all depends upon what he intends to do with the information. If the two of them are sufficiently mature, then sharing information about each other's past may actually increase the bond of trust and loyalty between them. If they are not, then it is best to let the past be a closed chapter in their lives.
2006-10-01 05:13:24 · answer #5 · answered by Kalyansri 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems to me that the 2 of them would have had this conversation way before they got married. Wonder why it's come up now after 5 years. Something doesn't add up. I would say for her to tell him that the past is long gone from her heart and mind and that no one from her past compares to her husband. If he persists give him a little info perhaps on her last relationship before her husband but be careful...details are not necessary and could end up causing alot of problems. She should get her husband to focus on their life together now. What's done is done and you can't go back to change it. All that matters now is the 2 of them and their relationship.
2006-10-01 05:11:37 · answer #6 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think it is entirely appropriate for someone to ask another person about their sexual history, since we have STD's in our culture with no cure.
HOWEVER, this type of discussion should be held in the beginning of a relationship. Prying into the sexual past of someone whom you have been married to for 5 years in indicative of something else going on. Is he insecure all of a sudden, does he have a reason to not trust her for some reason? There are too man unanswered questions for you to find out the reason here.
2006-10-01 05:09:20 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think Us as women need to have a few secretes as to Our past. It IS just that the past. But sometimes when in a relationship, certian things in the past need to come to surface. Certian things, that have happened in the past can justify why certian actions are taken.
I personally do not think its wrong. I think if the husband is becomming to intrusive, than the wife needs to tell him that in her own time she will tell him when she is ready. That may mean she might never tell him, but it has to be when she is ready. I think the husband has just a natrual need to know of the past. If its truely bothering her, then tell her to have her and her husband make a game of it of sorts, Tell her to tell her husband, to tell something about a relationship from his past, and in turn she will too. That will open lines of communication. And remember. It doesnt have to all come out over night. After all the past didnt happen over night. Take time..and go slow.
2006-10-01 05:11:55 · answer #8 · answered by Enigma 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I think that she has the right to ask her anything just like she can ask him but that don't mean that she has to give an answer. The best thing for her to do is to just tell him that she don't like talking about her past she is with the one that she wants to spend her life with and the rest of them don't matter to her and she rather not even think about them.
2006-10-01 05:11:50 · answer #9 · answered by James Henderson 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, it's wrong. As a man I'm not sure why he would want to know that kind of information. My guess is either he is really jealous man (which is gonna turn bad anyway) or he is bored with their sex life and is prying in to see if she has ever done anything outside the norm. 98% of men are freaks, but it's hard to find out how freaky a women is without offending them.
2006-10-01 05:16:06 · answer #10 · answered by highrange101 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that your friends husband may be curious about his wife. He could be feeling like he doesnt know enough about her and is trying to do something about it. It's not inappropriate because its his wife; He has a right to know. My advice for your friend would be to be honest. In a marriage there shouldn't be any secrets.
2006-10-01 05:13:39 · answer #11 · answered by ~Stephie~ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋