what should we tell our sponsored child's family?

Question

they are in Ecuador, and they keep asking questions about our family. my wife and i are both lesbians, and don't want to offend the parents(the mom usually writes us, as the child is too young to do so). how do we explain our marriage without raising the issue of cultural sensitivities?

Answer 1

The Opinion of the Hersband:

Well, as someone who supported a female child in India through-out the 1980's ( you may remember "The Christian Children's Fund) Anyway, I found sharing the small things in my day to day life was important. I never really knew who got my checks and letters every month. I did not go into my own life with my wife or family that much because I felt so fortunate and had so much. I instead focused on asking the child questions about her day to day struggle. In the family asking about you, does it really matter what your relationship is??? Do they really want to know that much about you???? In a country where survival is key, I think your relationship does not matter. The fact that you are helping should matter. I always believe in truth and justice. So if you feel you want to talk about your wife and family, then be truthful and proud of who you are and don't worry about it. If they no longer want your monetary assistance or love because you are gay. Then how much did they need your help????
I always think these are good butch perspectives,
Hersband



The opinion of the Wife:

First and foremost I would like to say I believe what you are doing is great, sponsoring a child is a selfless act and many more people should consider doing it.
You know you could probably put a spin on things like Hersband and I do, and call your Wife Hersband if she wouldn’t mind, or call yourself her Hersband. If that wasn’t an option and you were still in a pickle you could just skirt by the issue in a letter and say something to the effect of “ my baby momma is …..” (just kidding) I have this same issue on my end a lot of times because not only of the lesbian issues, but also of the age issues, being that I am 37 and Hersband is 53 many people ask her if she is my mother. Our pat answer now is “NO I’m her baby momma” (LOL) or “No not quite but close” and leave them guessing, and just giggle, because honestly if they cant figure it out, do they really need to know? And at the end of the day does them knowing our relationship status make a difference in our lives next year or even tomorrow? No. So what I say to you for this instance is, does she have a need to know? Does she know you are married already? Or is this just a need of yours to tell her because you are feeling close to her and want to include her in your life, because if that is the case then you need to weigh your options. This may be like someone else I had once read about that had given A LOT of money to a church and offered to take in Katrina victims after the storm, but as soon as the pastor found out that she was a flaming lesbian he told her not to darken his church doors again, but he was sure to cash her check. In other words her money was good but she wasn’t good enough to be in his presence or in the presence of his flock. (hypocritical) So think about your motives for wanting to tell her about your lifestyle, and think about if she is really is in a position to understand it, or if you are even in a position to defend it yet.
That is just my humble opinion as a femme,
Wife

Answer 2

If you "realize now all earthly religions are B.S " then you cannot in good faith continue participating fully with your church. I would suggest that you say that you have difficulties with a lot of traditional church teaching (which is true, I think) and that you need 'space' to work your ideas through. That way you respect their position without 'rocking the boat'. Atheism is a perfectly respectable position, but Dawkins and his lot are often criticised by other atheists for being far too dogmatic. Some describe him as being no better than the fundamentalist Christians he so despises. You only have to read his ramblings on the subject (sorry to call them ramblings, but something like The God Delusion is little more than a bad tempered insult of religions) to realise that his rhetoric is a lot better than his reasoning. By the way do read his science - he explains complicated ideas about evolutionary biology brilliantly. Once you have a more mature view of the whole debate you may see things a little differently, and it might be wise not to say too much too early. Stick to being an 'agnostic atheist', at least for the moment.

Answer 3

I would tell them but not make a big deal about it and tell much more about the parts of your life a young child will want to know. I appreciate wanting to protect the mother's sensibilities but I think she deserves to be treated honestly and be treated as an adult who can deal with potentially awkward situations. I would treat the family like a neighbor living near you. Are you completely closeted or do you just figure that friends and neighbors who have religious or cultural objections will accept you? I don't think you need to make it a focal point but I think letting her know will actually make your family structure less of an issue for her. i have many friends from other cultures where it is assumed that all women will marry man and have children. When I first say that I prefer women, there is a little shock but quickly that turns to understanding of why my life is different from theirs. Then we go on to discuss recipes or politics or whatever.

Answer 4

I agree with Kuji. Write a sincere, heartfelt letter explaining the situation. You have an opportunity to show this family that lesbians can be good people just like heterosexuals. The only way we can change the world is one person at a time.

Answer 5

That is very kind of you to be sensitive to the families sensibilities, as well as generous in sponsoring a child. Good for you.

I think it would be okay to skirt the issue. I would just say, "There are two of us living in this house, just Mary and I, and we stay busy with...."

The family will either read between the lines, or draw their own conclusions, but in either event, you haven't had to lie.

Good luck!

Answer 6

That happened to me. I just told them what they asked about, a direct answer to a direct question. Sexuality never came up so I never mentioned it either. You can write things so that you don't have to lie in order to sponsor a child. Keep up the Good works!

Answer 7

That is wonderful that you are sponsoring a child. Most likely they are open minded, even though you are not a "traditional couple." Just let them know you and your friend, or roommate live under one roof. This has happened several times to my wife and I, I simply tell them she is my friend or when I have gained enough knowledge about that person that is when I would inform them about my sexual preference.

Answer 8

well if you sponsor this child, and you tell them, I doubt they will not want to recieve your money, cause face it, they are poor and need it, I would say to be truthful, I know you are thinking of cultural differences, but never be ashamed or let being gay take a backseat on anything, be proud, and they can pick up on it, at first talk about how you and your partner met, then some thing you had to overcome together and then say how long you've been together, and then mention your partners name, and if you want attatch a picture of you and your partner hugging

Answer 9

You are doing something wonderful to sponsor a child. Your family is loving and giving. This is obvious to the child's family. Be honest, let them know you are two women together that have sponsored the girl. More likely than not, they will be fine with it.

Answer 10

Just call yourself "Mom and step parent."

Or "Mom and roommate."

I've found myself painted into a similar corner at work once or twice, and I find it easier to just say my partner is "my friend," "my roommate," or "my child's step parent."

Most of these don't bring up the question of gender.