This is a poem i am working on....What do you think?

Question

You told me that you
loved me.
You told me that
You cared. You
told me that you'd be there
for me if i got
scared.

But then things changed.

you broke my heart
and now ive got
to start all over again.

Take up this
shattered soul.
and fine some way
to make it whole.
once again.

you tell me that
you’re sorry, for all the
things you did wrong
you says these sweet
nothings and sings
these meaningless songs.

"i loved you" I tell you
but that love has
gone away. The day you
began to leave me
my heart had gone astray.

I'll still be here
for you when you’re
down and blue but
when your thinking of me, this
is what you should do,

think about the
grl u thought had and
the woman you lost.
think about the kisses
I had and the love I
never held back.

You told me that
you loved me I was a
fool for thinking that was true
and now that I think about it,
I was a fool for ever loving you.

Answer 1

Before I begin....the fool who kept on saying which lines you had errors on...does not know jack...because poetry is poetry and the thoughts and imaginations takes precedence over technical grammar. So, you are right and he sucks.

So he should read some essays and then he could put his two cents in.

Great poets live short life's. That is what my professor said, and it is because they feel the world more intensely than those that just live through it.

You had that experience with that guy...and you have written a great poem. It comes from the heart...it comes from anger...it is a form of healing.

You wrote a good poem because you had to live through sh*t.

Answer 2

This is ok-needs some cleaning up in meter and word choices. Hope you don't mind but I've tried to give you some help.
How about-"if I was scared" instead of "got scared"-better grammar?
"I've got to"?-no- " I have to" start all over again.
"Find some way" not "fine" some way. "Make it whole again" leave out "once".
"You tell me that you're sorry for the things that you did wrong'
"You say sweet nothings to me and sing meaningless songs.'
'I tell you that I love you but that love has gone away.'
" By the day you started leaving, my love had gone astray.
"I'll still be here and loving you when you are down and feeling blue". but when your thoughts return to me, this is what I wish you'd do.
Give a thought to the girl you thought you had, remember the woman you lost. And think about the kisses I gave and the love I never held back. (Or -the love you so carelessly tossed)
You told me you loved me and I was a fool for thinking that could ever be true and for ever loving you.

It is your poem but it shows promise and I am offering these suggestions to improve the meter and the poem. Use my ideas as you choose..

Answer 3

Line 10 - ive should be I've
Line 14 - fine should be find
Line 21 - sings should be sing
Line 34 - grl should be girl and u should be you

Just a few things I picked out on top of some grammatical things such as capitalization at the beginning of sentences and stuff. Wording is decent but the structure and grammar/punctuation of the poem counts too!

Answer 4

that was Sweet! no kidding it cuts to the core, heck ive had alot of things gone astray while i was a Player, i feel love is a special thing now though, i still get excited by looking at hot babes though, i'm not sure any poem would tame that good luck hun

Answer 5

A trifle foolish i might say to curse the one that holds the handbag, through letting rip and venting out, it serves to make the discipline worse. Your won't to uncover any greater composing than the above, commencing verse. Excellent poem.

Answer 6

I think it's very touching, and you should date it and keep it and add other poems and writings to your collection.
Never stop writing, putting your experiences and reflections on paper. You'll be glad many times over, over the years.
Thank you for sharing, it reminds me of some 'broken heart' poems I had to create in order to process the pain . . .

Answer 7

Well
its nice and cute. U can become a very gud poet. The poem is one of d very few poems i ever liked, (other than some others.....read this poem which i liked a LOT)

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart"

With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far

You see he was a policeman
and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
and taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.

Answer 8

It's actually pretty good. Now get over whoever trashed you and
keep moving on and write some more great poetry!!!

Answer 9

it's a little rough around the edges....needs some cleaning up...but, actually not quite bad. I believe you have the making of a poet....

Answer 10

omg I love it!!!! That is such a sweet poem. wow you could make money off of it! lol