my kids dont like my ex husband's girlfriend and her son. the kids dont tell him how they feel because they dont want him to get mad and yell at them, (which he does quite frequently) so they asked me to tell him for them, which i did. He then turned it around saying that i was poisoning the kids against him and her, that they liked her and now that they dont its all my fault. I'm jealous because he has a life and i dont. My question is, should i have kept my mouth shut and let the kids suffer? all they want is to spend some one on one time with him and they are getting resentful that their time is taken up with her. His father son time was father son and girlfriends son. My son was so hurt and angry when he came home that he didnt even want to invite his dad to his birthday party because he didnt want the girlfriend and her son to come as well. What should i do?
2006-09-30 08:58:44 · 7 answers · asked by Joyce K 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I would recommend family counseling - for all of you. It sounds like the kids and you are having a tough time with this understandably.. I don't know who wouldn't and that their dad is being rather selfish not seeing their needs.
Maybe you can send him a letter so he can't interrupt you and has to (hoepfully) finish it. let him know that you are jealous perhaps but that this has nothing to do with you and that you realize he has moved on and that you would not "poison" the kids no matter how it hurt because that is unhealthy for them.
The kids are going to have to learn to accept her too - as much as they don't want to but that is not your issue even though it seems to be - that is something he has to help them with since it is his new gf - not yours. And he seems to be leaving all of this to you - you are hurting for your own reasons and now you have to try to help your kids with the issue of his new gf - no good - I wouldn't want anything to do with that issue. :o)
Sounds to me like he needs to go with them - and eventually bring her into it for family counseling. Their problem is not with you - it is with him spending all of his time with this new woman and they feel deprived and neglected - he has this life now but sounds like he forgot about the fact that his kids have feelings. He just assumes that what you said was about you cause he has some God complex or something and can't even consider that they kids are hurting. I would try to have a little meeting with him next time he comes to pick them up or something - without her and if need be and he insists on bringing her - with her. Have the kids sit down with him and you and tell them it is ok to tell him how they feel - that way he sees it is coming from them and maybe that would sink in. He is so consumed with his new life, he forgot about the old one - and he has things he has to give those kids like love, support and attention and no one should take that away.
You are looking out for your kids but he has to too and the longer he goes on ignoring this the more they are going to resent him and then eventually, they won't even want him around anymore- sounds like that already actually considering the party. They will have to accept this new woman but he has to open his eyes. He is hurting them and that is not right - can you email him, write him a letter or something and ask him if he is open to some counseling cause the kids need it right now - they need help getting adjusted. They don't want this new woman in his life - they probably just want you and him so this is hard for them - the divorce us hard enough and all he is doing is making it 10 times harder.
I think you have to invite them to the party - I feel bad though cause you are just getting all of this - his anger, their anger - like it is all your fault and you are just trying to move on I am sure. And - don't say you have no life... this is your time to make a new one too. There is too much going on right now perhaps but try to build yourself back up and get back out there - mommy needs to be happy too you know... you deserve it.
Good luck.
2006-09-30 09:09:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If possible, stay away from this whole thing as much as you can. Tell your kids that like or not, they will have to deal with the fact that their dad has a girlfriend and that may get married someday.
I'll tell you right now, the girlfriend probably wants you and the kids to stay away from her life. So, to avoid conflict just, talk as little as possible about him and go on with your own life. Life is hard enough to worry about ex husbands and their girlfriends...
The kids will get used to it. I hope YOU are not the one jealous...
.
2006-09-30 09:04:28 · answer #2 · answered by ♥ Karen ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your son needs to be the one to talk to his dad about things like this. My children come to me with problems they have with their dad and his wife. I simply tell them that they have to be the one to talk to him, I can't do for them as much as I would love to. It keeps me out of the middle for one. Two, it keeps the lines of communication open between them. Three, we as parents aren't always going to be there to "talk" to whoever our children as adults have problems with. So this is also a learning experience for my children. They are learning to communicate their feelings in harder situations. It sounds as if your son acts one way around his father, while feeling something else. This will give him the strength and confidence to be his true self. My daughter was afraid to talk to her dad at first, but the more she did it, the better things got. If the father yells or gets mad at the child, that's on the dad, not you and no way on your son. You didn't say how old your son is, but I think this is pretty much universal for any age. I've been doing this with my children since they were 5 and its worked pretty good. I hope this helps.
2006-09-30 09:09:16 · answer #3 · answered by spunkyshell2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sooner or later, your ex will see that you aren't making stuff up. When the kids are more scarce, he will have to ask them himself directly. If you have to, sit down (or get on the phone) with him AND your kids and support your child while he tells his father his true feelings. They have a right to be happy and feel safe when they are with him. Explain to your ex that your only goal is to keep them happy and that means he will have to change some things. Either that or you will be making some changes to his visitation.
No, never allow your kids to suffer.
2006-09-30 09:03:35 · answer #4 · answered by paintgirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
every mother want to advocate for their children
but when it is concern their like & dislike it should be done by them, hiding behind you is not helping them they don't like the woman it was their job to say so, or find excuses not to spend time with her, it is wrong that it come from you wether or not it is true he will have always accuse you of poisoning the children
in the future I would tell you to support your son by asking him to give you reasons why as well as by try to make him work out a way to deal with the situation not by interfering
Good luck
2006-09-30 09:35:12 · answer #5 · answered by waiting for baby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow. that is complicated. it is one of those damn you do, damn you don't. i think you have done the right thing to let your ex knows about what your son thinks. he has tried and got yelled at and now you have too. but he is only thinking of himself. if your son doesn't want him to be there at the bday party, let it be. if he kicks a fuss, your son and you can just stand up for the truth. he has to learn it the hard way and get hurt, so be it. obviously, he doesn't care. you can only try so much.
2006-09-30 09:05:03 · answer #6 · answered by Yvette R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is a tough 1!!! Maybe you should encourage you children to tell them how they feel and there is nothing wrong with protecting them. I'm assuming that you and your ex aren't on good terms but if you are then try to talk to him. if your children cry and tell him how they really feel then maybe he will listen
2006-09-30 09:29:22 · answer #7 · answered by krystal s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋