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Have been married for 4 months when i was pregnant. My husband is away on a ship for the last three months. My problem is that my husband is not keeping in touch with me regularly since the very beginning when he left. In the first month there was some girl on-board to whom he was attracted to but he told me about it sincerely and ofcourse there wasn't much involvement too. After that he told me that he is feeling very thin about me and is finding it hard to trust me. During his childhood his father had left his mother and he lost his mother too at a tender age. Due to the psychological impact of these incidents he finds it difficult to trust anyone but it really puts me off when he says it to me even when what i am telling him is the truth. If i become 1% negative he becomes much more negative & withdrawn. Now since last 25 days he is not writing to me or writing after a gap of 4-5 days and when i asked him he said that he is genuinly not feeling for writing. What do i make out of it?

2006-09-30 07:42:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

He accepts that he feels a bit disconnected and depressed when on ship and especially when i don't write to him. On the first occasion i hadn't imagined it would be some other girl but anyway i do trust him as he always tells me wht he really feels and hides nothing, but for the last 25 days (he will be back by another 10 days or so)he is not even replying. When i asked him he said that it seems to him that my feeling for him waver and the fact that he always has to re-assure me about himself puts him off. I dont want him to give him explanation for why isnt he writing but cant he try to be a bit more loving and show some concern for me. Are all guys like this? I really used to feel bad when he used to say that he doesn't trust me but now he is not responding to anything at all and says that if i want to write to him, it depends on me and me alone and not whether he is writing to me or not. I dont understand what's on his mind,cant ask him either.

2006-10-01 00:29:00 · update #1

E-mail is the only means of communication for me as satellite phones are quite costly and it isn't practical to call.

2006-10-01 00:31:13 · update #2

18 answers

Ok by what you have typed then your Husband must be in the Military which means he's deployed the question is why doesn't he trust you but also deployments are hard on families especially the first deployment,it may be that he's gotten busy and cannot email or write to you daily they are not just sitting around with leisure time all day while they are out to sea they have jobs to do 12 hrs on and 12 off and since they have alot of sailors on board and not alot of computers then he may not be able to write or email you daily.As far as the woman he's attracted to on board you have to decide if you trust him enough to deal with that because there's no where for them to go on the ship really to be alone unless theres a port visit and even then there may be only limited places to hide are you part of a support group for military wives who have husbands who are deployed and like I said it could be that hes tired if thats not the case then you should ask him straight up what gives and find out where you stand with him because if you have given him no reason to mistrust you and yet he still doesn't trust you then maybe you aren't the problem and he is with that being said I am not saying he's cheating but if he accuses you or has that accusing tone when you are allowed to chat or talk to him then maybe he's the one who has been unfaithful.But then again it doesn't necessarily mean that he's being unfaithful it really depends on where he is and those computers are supported by satelite which means when the satelite's down he cannot communicate with you,so try not to think the worst but at the same time he should try not to think the worst also just thought I would throw that in.Maybe you should contact the ships ombudsman who will be able to give you more information the ships ombudsman will tell you that you aren't the only one going through this and will be able to give you some advice right now you need to take care of both yourself and the baby and try not to stress hope this helps.

2006-09-30 08:01:17 · answer #1 · answered by CaliMa 3 · 0 0

Give the guy some room. It sounds like there are insecurities on both sides of the fence here. I realize its hard being seperated especially with a pregnancy but reign in your fears and start remembering what you saw in this man that you loved. Remember the good things you've shared and don't dwell on negative fears. Mind talk can be destructive or constructive. Conquer it. Who knows what he's going through out there. He may simply be just too busy or as fearful as you. Everyone wants to be loved for who and what they are. Reassure him with your communications how much you care for him, remind him of the happy times you've shared and keep it upbeat. Let him see the person he married again in your emails and letters. Noone enjoys constant doom/gloom/and negativity. If it doesn't work after that seek some counseling. As to his issues he needs to do some reading. Send him Bad childhood/Good life by Dr. Laura.

2006-09-30 08:14:57 · answer #2 · answered by anon_y_muse 2 · 0 0

Sounds like your husband has major insecurity issues, hence the possiblity of a wandering eye or worse. That may or may not be able to worked out via counseling.

It is quite unfair of him to saddle you with his psychological / emotional problems and expect YOU to be patient and understanding. The fact that he's out at sea doesn't help the situation.

Right now you can't do anything about anything. I don't know what your ultimate goal is - you didn't say. Regardless, I'd wait until he returns and have a serious talk with him about your relationship and where it is headed. Suggest marriage counseling. If he reacts negatively, consider your options.

I don't need to tell you that you're not in a healthy relationship. I wish you well.

-Chrystaille

2006-09-30 08:03:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Considering what you said about all of the emotional baggage that he has he may just be trying to deal with you being pregnant, and becoming a father, fighting in a war, etc. He has a lot on his plate right now. Give it a break, it is not as though you can really do anything about it right now anyway. Wait until he comes home and the two of you have got to sit down and have a serious conversation and see what it is going to be. But please, encourage him to seek some help for his emotional trust issues. It will not just go away. Good luck and God bless.

2006-09-30 07:50:22 · answer #4 · answered by ? 7 · 1 0

Be patient with your husband. Thats what marriage brings. Honesty, Trust , Forgiveness, and Love. The four key features you should display in your marriage. Life doesnt get clearer during marriage it becomes harder and a little more complicated but your willingly going to be patient and slowly draw him out and talk to him and ask him whats been on his mind lately. Try to always think positively and seek the best in him and dont give up.

2006-09-30 07:47:54 · answer #5 · answered by Speaking Truth 1 · 1 0

since you are pregnant you need to take care of youself n take less stress, tell him if he cant be with you physically he can do the same by mail,phone calls to help u feel better as its very important at this stage,he might not understand all this coz he got little or no care from his family so he is stone hearted n feels if he loves u more u also gonna leave him...u keep writting to him regularly n keep expressig your love n tell him you need him...if he still doesnt bother than u have no choice but to move on !

2006-09-30 07:55:42 · answer #6 · answered by jewel 3 · 0 0

First, a lot of men do not like to write; what ever the occasion is. Second, he will learn to trust you if you stay with he. If you leave him now, he will only get worse. Long distance relationships are always hard. I'm in one now and it's killing me. We do have an understanding toward our situation, and do not want to be with anyone else. Because of this understanding we have managed to stay with one another, even when we are feeling discouraged about it.

2006-09-30 07:53:11 · answer #7 · answered by lifescircle 5 · 0 1

You are asking a serious question about your marriage, and your future. Too many details are lacking to give you an honest and solid answer, especially in this format. I suggest you talk with someone you feel comfortable with (minister, friend) and/or a professional counselor. A counselor can help you see your situation more clearly and help you decide what you want in this relationship and in life. Best wishes.

2006-09-30 07:49:50 · answer #8 · answered by Rhonda 7 · 1 0

Hi usually when someone doesnt trust its them that has the problem. Too bad you coulldn't spend more time together love needs time to grow and thats hard if he's not there. I wish you the best be happy

2006-09-30 07:48:06 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

If your marriage is to be saved, there must be better communication between the two of you. Are you being the kind of wife that he is eager to communicate or is it more pleasant to avoid communication with you. Tell him you love and miss him. Give him something upbeat and positive from your life, and don't accuse him of anything. Give him reports of the growth and dev. of your precious baby.

2006-09-30 08:02:27 · answer #10 · answered by delmaanna67 5 · 0 0

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