My husband wants me to be more “vocal” when it comes to sex. I'm a quite person, I enjoy sex but not like he does. I enjoy being in the moment and being close to my husband, he enjoys getting off. I've never had an orgasm and and I think that is starting to bother him. He wants me to tell him what I like and what feels good but I just don't feel comfortable talking about sex. Also, like I said before, sex feels good to me in other ways then what it does for him. He wants me to play with myself but I've never felt comfortable doing that and I am not sure if I ever will. I tried it once just for him and it did not feel good to me. He is what feels good to me. But I can't get him to understand that he does not understand that its not the type of person I am. He is the only man I've ever been with and he loves that. We have not had sex for over 2 weeks, I know he is waiting for me to “initiate ” it, but I'm not. This is a issue he is having and I think if he wants to talk about it all he has to do is bring it up. Instead he just goes about his day ignoring me on any issue that has to do with sex. If I'm getting dressed he does not look at me, if we go to bed he gives me his back. I'm scared that he is basing our marriage on sex and I feel like that is unfair and I feel like he is trying to make me be a person that I'm not. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I love him and I know he loves me and we really do have a great marriage. A lot of people look up to us and come to my husband for marriage advice. We are good together and we do a lot together. Its just our sex life that is starting to go sour. Any advice....maybe some web pages I can look at. I would love to be more into sex for my husband. But I feel like he is pressuring me to do it. I feel like if we do have sex, I'm just going to be thinking off all the things I don't do right and then I really won't enjoy it.
2006-09-30 04:32:44 · 14 answers · asked by a girl 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Very sad. You and hubby are different. Neither is really wrong for being different, but your husband IS wrong in the methods he is trying to get you to be more into the physical sensations of sex. Perhaps you'd be better off IF you really enjoyed sex, for the feelings YOU get from sex. But, you aren't. Him trying be pressure you to try this or that, WON'T work. They are almost guaranteed to do the opposite. Lady, there is nothing wrong with you, so there is little point of looking at some web page for ideas. You do need to talk to hubby, and get him to accept that you will never be what you aren't. A happy marriage is sooooo much more than sex, and it would be tragic AND silly to let sex harm your marriage. This is a problem that should be resolved before it leads to more bad feelings and resentment. So talk- even if he is resistant. Sorry, but you can't use a baseball bat to get his attention. LOL
2006-09-30 05:12:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you two may be in a worsening situation and it probably makes sense to find a marriage counslor to help. I was married to a women who had great difficulties having an orgasm and I believe that it can be an issue. I am sure that you get other enjoyment out of sex and if there is too much focus on your orgasm that could only make the situation worse. I think that it may help if both of you take a step back and consider the prospective of the other person. If he is waiting for you to initiate sex, and you have problems doing that, then consider it an act of love to meet him in an area where he feels intimacy. I am not sure that the initiation of sex is "an issue that he is having", and even if it is you could help him get over it by initiating sex. The pressure and power thing is complicating your intimancy and you may need help getting around that. Sex is a cornerstone of marriage and if you stop having sex then I believe the communication, fidelity and trust problems will become worse. You may find that the doctor can give you some advice related to your sex drive. Try to think and be playful.
Good luck to both of you.
2006-09-30 05:04:04 · answer #2 · answered by Theodore G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have to admit I think you will really need to see a professional who could give you good advice. It just seems that your husband does love you and loves sex as well. Seems like he's trying to make you enjoy it so you both enjoy it not just himself. I'm sure he must feel a little insecure wondering why you never get off when your making love with him. Probably wondering what he's doing wrong and that's why he keeps coming up with suggestions of things to do when your having sex.
2006-09-30 05:45:08 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm struck by your comment that he's the only one you've ever been with and loves it - yet he is expecting you to behave as if you've had considerably more experience and therefore know exactly what works for you. He can't have it both ways. The two of you are going to have to learn together what works for you. Sounds like he hasn't had that much experience either. I don't think that most women are born knowing exactly what is more pleasurable to them sexually - we learn that over time. So next time he says "tell me", you could simply respond with "teach me". No matter what, don't let him intimidate you in this area or make you feel responsible. As long as you are both open to learning together, things should get back on track.
2006-09-30 05:16:43 · answer #4 · answered by Stef 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I met my husband in 10th grade in highschool and we r going on 22 years of marriage in Feb of 2007! I know how u feel. I use to be very shy and reserved in the bedroom. Men respond more to the physical and women need to feel loved-special-sexy- and important to him. We need the love-tenderneess and touch of our man. They need the nasty! My mother gave me the best advice on my wedding day and I couldnt believe it came from my leave it to beaver mom! She told me " be a lady in the living room and a ho in the bedroom! And it has kept me going and kep my husband a happy man for 22 years now! If some things like the masturbation make u uncomfortable- i think it would me too- find little things that YOU CAN do for him! Go to the store RIGHT now and buy the following things! Scented bubble bath-scented lotion-candles-and a sexy g string for you! A bottle of wine and some strawberries! Finally grap some pop rocks candy! When he gets home take a candle lit bubble bath for two. Then take turns giving massages! Popo some of that pop rock candy in your mouth and give him oral sex! My hubby died when I did that for him! He said the popping and fizzing of the candy sent him thru the roof! Now he always keeps the candy in his nightstand! Find things that u feel u can do so he doesnt concentrate so much on other things! Theres nothing wrong with YOU starting the sex! Put sexy notes in his lunch for work! E mail him nasty little notes! Men need this! They need to know and feel like they r our gods and that they r the BEST thing ever in bed! Try a little dirty talk! ask him WOW has it grown in 2 weeks? Let him know u think he is hot sexy and a great peice of A$$ in any words u can find! he's your hubby afterall so try to make some of his dremas come tru! Good luck to u! Make him some sex coupons for specific things that way u dont have to initiate sex- he can just hand u a coupon!!!!! My hubby gets them every year for Xmas and loves them!
2006-09-30 05:27:31 · answer #5 · answered by cstinkerbell6969 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell him what makes you feel good sexually... NOW! Tell him or show him how to make you orgasm. If you don't know, talk to a close friend and figure it out. If you can overcome this hurdle, the rest of the issues may resolve themselves. Talking with him and showing him is key for your intimacy level... don't be afraid, he would like nothing more than for you to share with him what you want & need sexually. This will become an ever increasing problem if you don't get it resolved.
2006-09-30 05:01:08 · answer #6 · answered by Scott David 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest several things:
the Better Sex Video series from Sinclair Institute
reading the book Letters to Karen by Charlie Shedd (a Presbyterian minister that wrote to his daughter about all aspects of marriage including sex before she was married) and the corresponding book to his son Letters to ??? (can't remember his name)
A good complete physical exam by your OB/GYN to see if there are any physical complications to your sex life
Any one of several books at Barnes & Noble, Waldenbooks, etc on sex (The Joy of Sex, Sexual Massage, etc) including books on self exploration (you might not be comfortable with this but it may help your marriage).
It is perfectly normal for the woman to instigate sex and your husband will appreciate it and love you for it.
What I'm reading here is a lot of egocentrism in regards to sex and that can ruin and destroy your marriage. It might not but you need to realize that sex issues are in the top 3 reasons for divorce.
It might be to both of your advantage if you both visited a sex therapist counselor to work out your differences. It might really help.
At any rate, the rest of your marriage sounds good. Please don't let this major issue divide the two of you. It isn't worth it.
2006-09-30 04:54:34 · answer #7 · answered by snddupree 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You seem to have more than just one issue here. First off if you have not learned how to pleasure yourself then how can your partner know how to pleasure you? I think what he means by be more vocal is tell him what feels good...you don't have to be a porn star to do that. Just tell him...oh yeah right there...or a little softer....yeah just like that ect. You don't have to say things that you don't want to say....just give him some direction....you know how bad us men are...we get lost easy lol. As for him wanting to watch you please yourself not only is it a HUGE turn on for a guy to watch this....but it also gives him a idea of what you like and don't like so then he can do it to you himself.
As for the way he is acting towards you right now...well to be blunt he needs to grow up and sit down with you and talk about this. You cant read his mind anymore than he can read yours. Without communication its tough to solve ANY problem.
2006-09-30 04:59:38 · answer #8 · answered by oldman 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok, you really need to loosen up... you will still have those feelings of being close and intimate with your husband, but you can get off too!! believe me, the first time you play with yourself and you give yourself an orgasm, you will be hooked!!
drink a couple of glasses of wine and get your husband going.... kiss him, tease him, put his hands where you want them... you will be so happy you did!
in a relationship, if the sex is good-its about 10% of the relationship.... if the sex is bad-its about 90%!!!
2006-09-30 04:52:53 · answer #9 · answered by whaaatthe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband has a lot of preconceived notions/mixed up ideas regarding what he has a right to expect. It also sounds like you're very self-conscious and afraid of "getting it wrong." My advise is to seek marriage counseling, but it sounds like you want advice on how to please him more. Have you considered why it is that you struggle to discuss matters of a sexual nature? You did very well in your post to describe your emotions, why the difficulty to discuss sex with him? It sounds like your unsure of what you want sexually (?) Why not experiment and see what else feels good to you. Consider whether or not you have performance anxiety in light of his expectations. Don't get me wrong - I think your husband is being selfish and immature - but if you inisist on seeking ways to please him, my advice is to self-explore what you enjoy, try new things, and consider whether any emotional baggage is interfering with intimacy for you.
2006-09-30 04:49:43 · answer #10 · answered by JJJJJJJJim 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋