My husband recently moved out because he was having an affair that he just couldn't end. We had a talk the other day and this is what he said.
He said that since we were married for so long, that it's hard for him to stay away from me and our daughter. He says that it is hard for him to stop wanting to take care of us and he still wants to be the father/husband figure in our lives (for instance he wants to rake our leaves this fall).
He says that there are days that he feels bad for everything that he has done. He cheated on me and then did it behind my back. He also says that he doesn't know if it's right to be with his girlfriend now. But he just won't let her go either.
I am at a loss now. Somedays I do want him around, but I could never trust him again. I still want him to be a part of my daughter's life though. But what is going on with him?
2006-09-30 01:35:44 · 19 answers · asked by blue eyes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
WOW - sorry to hear what you are going through. I can really relate to your situation because mine is very similar. One difference is my soon-to-be ex did not have an affair. He told me that he had feelings for someone else & needed to figure out exactly what those feelings were.
He has been gone from our home for 5 1/2 months now and is moving out of state with his now gf because of his job transfer. He has also given her a ring and asked her to marry him yet he won't/can't even get the divorce finalized with me.
It has been very hard at times because when he left, he didn't really try to work on us. He now says that he wishes he had because things would be different. He tells me often that he still loves me and is not totally sure of what he is doing but cannot/will not change it right now.
We have 3 wonderful boys that over these last 5 months he has not really been around for and won't be now that he is moving 15 hours away. We would have celebrated our 18yr anniversary last week.
I can tell u that time does help. I still have good days & bad days but, the bad days are far less then they were.
You have to take it 1 day at a time. It is very important also to have support around you. I am very lucky that my in-laws live around the corner and, since I am like a daughter to them, they have been wonderful through all of this. They love their son but think he is a fool for doing what he is doing. Stay strong for yourself and your daughter. You will get through it.
Remember that YOU are worth more than what he is willing to give. Also, there is someone out there that will love & cherish you the way that you deserve. Don't rush into something new to soon though. Take your time and heal yourself from this and things will fall into place.
If you ever need/want to talk feel free to email me at pattysattic@yahoo.com.
Good luck & take care of yourself!!
Patty
2006-09-30 02:19:58 · answer #1 · answered by PattyW 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said that he could not end the affair, that right there should tell you he is not truly sorry for it. Let him be a father to his child. NEVER TAKE THAT WAY FROM HIM! It will only hurt your child and then that would make you a bad mother. But don't take him back! Move on with your life. He does not have to be a big part of your life to be a part of his daughters life. Move on and find a man who will love you. Find someone who will love you and only you. DO NOT TAKE THIS MAN BACK!!!
2006-09-30 09:53:20 · answer #2 · answered by dohm84 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Rake the leaves?
what he s put u thur and hes, talkin yard work?
nice that he wants too b part of u and your
daughters life, i should hope,so
hes a grown man and doesnt know if its right
too be with his gf?
i dont know how long ago this all happened,
and im sure that u didnt see it comeingbut this is a hard one, remeber u did nothing too make this happen dont say what did i do , could i have done something ,to stop it,its so hard when this happens to any 1, think of whats best for u and your child
2006-09-30 08:52:34 · answer #3 · answered by outlaw2737 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is important for him to be in your daughter's life....visitation every other weekend....He should have thought about all of that before he cheated on you. He made his own bed now he must lay in it...
It's normal for you to miss him...you are hurting but keep in mind he cheated on you! That is unacceptable! Tell him he can rake leaves every other weekend. That's when he can visit his daughter and give you a break so you will be able to go out and do something fun...mix and mingle with the opposite sex and perhaps even get to the point where you don't miss him.
For goodness sake don't do like I did. I sat around and brooded over my ex. I didn't date for a year! I kept thinking I would be able to forgive him but I never really did. I've tried but because of my ex I have never been able to fully trust another man. I'm married now and I guess I trust him as much as I'll ever be able to anymore but sometimes HE has to suffer because of what my ex did to me. It's not right but its just how I am. Thank GOD I have a husband that tries to understand my insecurites.
Your husband is going through a "GUILTY" period...he probably regrets what he has done. I say tell him to get lost. You should file for divorce and just give him visitation rights....collect the child support. Get comfortable in YOUR OWN SKIN and find someone else. You don't deserve to be cheated on.
2006-09-30 08:46:35 · answer #4 · answered by buzzbait0u812 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He wants to take care of you and you daughter but does he love you as a husband should? I can't tell you what you should do. However, I have been thru the same thing. When my kids were little, he cheated BIG TIME. He begged for forgiveness and I took him back. The children are grown and he is at it again. I won't live like that. I saw my attorney and we are now separated. I miss him and love him but I'm done!
2006-09-30 08:47:38 · answer #5 · answered by Maggie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He would probably like to have you both, and to me that's what it sounds like. Tell him, that's not the way it works. I definitely would let him come around to care and spend time with your daughter, but I would tell him, that what you guys had together is a thing in the past. As far as him wanting to take care like a husband, tell him you can take care of your self and he should of thought about that before he hopped in bed with someone else. The trust couldn't possibly ever be the same. Keep him as a father for your daughter, but find someone else to be the man of your life. Just tell him. Good luck and remember to take care!
2006-09-30 08:42:22 · answer #6 · answered by me 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband wants it all. He's a self centered person who thinks about his own needs. Kind of like a 2 year old.
He is ridden with guilt and knows he 's a jackass. Heck let him mow the yard and rake the leaves and don't forget that child support check.
It's important that he have a good relationship with your daughters so share custody and when he has the girls go out and have some fun.
2006-09-30 08:52:56 · answer #7 · answered by easinclair 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's feeling guilty and empty. He needs to work through his own issues. I myself wouldn't take him back, but I would of course allow him in my daughter's life, and I would let him rake my leaves. Possibly if he went to counseling and worked through his own issues, perhaps down the line, like a year or so, after he was really on the right track and had been away from women for a while, I might consider taking him back if he was still wanting back in, but he'd really have to prove something to me, and then I'd insist on marriage counseling to work through the trust issues, etc.
2006-09-30 08:43:30 · answer #8 · answered by Laura Renee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From experience, sounds to me like his infatuation with the other woman is coming to an end! He is now thinking clearly and realizes his mistake, he still loves you but can't find a way out of his other relationship and is embarrassed to ask for your forgiveness. I went through this same mistake, and to make a long story short, my wife forgave me and now she and my children fully trust me and we are all extremely happy together. I am really grateful for the chance she took on me. It has been over 8 years since I cheated, and even though I have had opportunities to cheat again I haven't. Some of us men can be trusted again, we do learn from our mistakes. Good Luck!
2006-09-30 10:59:15 · answer #9 · answered by Archangel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, he certainly seems to realize that he hasnt done the right thing. but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You have to move forward with your life, and he must decide what is going to be the best for him. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he can see your daughter, but he isnt welcome in your life if you are not going to be first in his. He has to realize he must make a choice. Good Luck to you. Remember, you are more important than playing second string to his girlfriend of the month, and there is someone else out there who will show you so.
2006-09-30 08:58:15 · answer #10 · answered by Elly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋