I wrote a couple weeks ago, wanting to leave my husband of 20 years, lots of screaming at me and the kids, controlling issues, etc. WELL, I told him I wasn't happy- big leap for me!! He needed to be told 4 times over a week before he really believed there was a big problem. I told him I was sick of the way we lived, I'd leave , we could share custody of the 16 YO. NOW he wants to know what he can do, buy me a new diamond?, How can he change? What will it take? Here is where I need help.
After all these years of fighting, the yelling and controlling behavior
I just feel done here. I feel bad, as he's said I'm his "whole world".
He's walking around with the "heartbroken look" and I am starting to feel bad for him. I don't feel the same about him, still have some love for him, but not "in love" with him.
Well, why didn't he realize this before? Too many years of unhappiness and I feel if I stay, he'll just revert at a later time and nothing will change. Why do I feel bad?
2006-09-30 00:49:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Here is my two cents:
If you are in love with him, then yes, stay with him. It will take couples counseling to work out issues & learn how to communicate in positive productive ways.
HOWEVER, do NOT stay with him because you feel sorry for him! That would be the wrong reason. Furthermore, he might be on good behavior now because he finally realizes you are not happy and he realizes he is losing you. What might happen, if you decide to stay, he could eventually slip back into his old ways again once he is confident you are staying and you will end up being unhappy again & will have wasted more time.
There comes a point where everyone needs to do some introspection & honest evaluation of the situation. Only you can decide if it's worth saving, or cutting your losses & moving on.
You & other women in your situation are in my prayers.
Good luck
P.S. Diamonds do NOT equal happiness. I would rather be poor & have happiness & love, then the other way around.
2006-09-30 02:01:22 · answer #1 · answered by julie j 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you are feeling is normal. It sounds to me like both of you care about each other but somehow your not understanding the needs of each other.
My father always told me to give not just 100% but 110% or else you will always look back and wonder what if... what if I had just done this or that. Make sure you have exhausted all your options before calling it quits.
Try marriage counseling. Maybe all you need is help communicating your needs to each other.
As I'm sure you know men and women think totally different. We think he isn't attentive enough, he thinks diamond rings. When all we want is for him to spend some quality time together. The we get upset because he thinks he can just buy our love. It's all a matter of communication and not everyone is good at it.
Also consider this... many times we put too many expectations on our spouse to make us happy when all along we should be doing things to make ourselves happy. And I don't mean go out and buy your own diamond ring. I am talking of things that make our life feel fullfilled. Like learning new things, advancing in our career or taking on a new career. Doing volunteer work can be rewarding as well. Have you done enough in your life to ensure your own happiness or have you leaned on him to provide it? Also, sounds like he could consider the same things.
Our mate should add to our life, not be our life.
Good Luck!
2006-09-30 01:05:47 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have just described my life. I am finally one step ahead of you. For 20 years I dealt with the same issues as you. As you say, one day I finally decided enough was enough, and after a failed attempt earlier last year, I finally moved out on my own. It was the hardest yet best decision I ever made. I went through counseling and reevaluated my life. You feel bad because he is playing the guilt card, and using emotional blackmail. You have been the giver in the relationship for 20 years. He now realized the loss so he is going to try really hard to get you back, but he will eventually revert back to his old behavior. You can't change him. He needs to change himself. Chances are even if he does change, too much "damage" has been done, and you may never feel the same way towards him again. The bottom line is do you love him? If not, you need to move on, and regain your life, and let him do the same.
2006-09-30 01:04:31 · answer #3 · answered by Qusan 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You probably feel bad because you waited 20 years to start communicating with your husband.
Why not try some professional counseling before throwing in the towel.
You stuck it out 20 years so why not invest in a few months of counseling.
It could save your marriage and lead to a renewed love of someone you loved enough to marry 20 years ago.
Marriage is not always about romance and diamonds, it's hard work and sometimes its just deciding to love a person because that's what you vowed to do.
Maybe your husband is sincere and I think you should give him some time to prove it.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide.
2006-09-30 01:29:40 · answer #4 · answered by easinclair 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ending a long marriage IS terrible. Sadly, yours is probably dead. Regrets and sadness are inevitable. The responsibility for the end of you marriage aren't JUST your husband's fault, you certainly share the blame. You've let things go to hell, by not standing up for yourself YEARS ago. But, the reasons are immaterial. If you aren't "in love" with your spouse- file for divorce. Heck, you once loved the guy, perhaps you two may end up as friends. You are correct in believing that he would probably start treating you the same way he's been treating you right along, even if he promises to change. It's probably too late. So, do what you feel is best. Delay will help nothing.
2006-09-30 01:21:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Zinna, you are in a hard spot. Your husband has changed yet again, whether it sticks or not is the question. You said it, will he just revert back, no one knows. The reason you are feeling bad, is the guilt that you married for life, and when you finally came to the hardest decision you have ever made, he threw you a bone. Whether you accept this peace offering is up to you? It's not fair is it! Just right when you get everything in mind straight, and what you need to do to make a happy life for yourself. He awakes up. I wish I could tell you that your husband has realzed that he was fixing to lose the best thing in his life, and to a degree he has, but again is it permanent.
You deserve to be happy, and he does too. Guessing and waiting for the next blow up or going to sleep at night and waking up wondering who is going to be at the breakfast table is not a way to live. But if he's really changed, shouldn't you give him another chance. Well, I want you to think about what you wrote. I don't feel the same about him, still have some love for him, but not "in love" with him. Can you live with him for the rest of your life dealing with the black cloud over your head, and not being "in love" with him. Or do you want to be on your own, making yourself happy, doing what you want, and don't walking on egg shells. It's a hard decision, but I believe you answered your own question, if you can settle for some love.....or if you want that take your breath away love....
Zinna, please take your time, and I know you are so tried of thinking, and that maybe your answer too. Tried of worrying with it. People do it feed up, and just it's done. Can't handle it anymore, and there's nothing wrong with that. You have been past your breaking point, and he's asking to put you right back in it. Are you strong enough to do it again? Do you want to? Honey, please think of yourself- don't feel selfish, you have every right to be happy and secure. Can he do this for you?
God bless us all............
2006-09-30 04:28:37 · answer #6 · answered by totallylost 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You know, the answers your going to get are all well and good, but we don't live in your world...It is sad when a marriage seems to be over, cause the kids are the ones who pay the price, parents go on and do their own thing, while the kids lives are turned upside down...Fighting constantly in front of the kids, it really affects them....And there is no easy solution...You are going to have to do what you truly feel is in the best interest of yourself, and your families....20 years is a long time, myself 27, and it changes as the kids get older....The decision you are facing has to be a bit scarey, its a hard one...If its truly over, guess you already have the answer to your question...good luck to you...
2006-09-30 01:06:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is walking around you with a sincere desire to patch up, it may be genuine. He would have realised your value only when he left you )and probably start living with another!.To some, wisdom comes long after the wisdom teeth are grown ( when they are as good as "gone").Do not fall in for material benefits like jewellery-it can be trap!!Do not bother about his sadistic remarks of whole wound and all that crap. You in your anger would have cursed your progeny much worser than this but in your heart you never wanted the curse to happen...right?
I dont know whether I had answered you earlier, but understand that you are also responsible for this fighting, yelling etc.If he genuinely wish to patch up, why not try?
2006-09-30 01:32:13 · answer #8 · answered by THE WORRIER 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You feel bad out of compassion. If you are his "whole" world then that is too sad on his part. Never understood why woman keep their friends and men don't. My suggestion to you ( and I should 'practice what I preach) is to go and find your own happiness. You can not stay with someone out of quilt of leaving. If you stay because you feel bad for him ..think of how bad you feel for yourself a year down the road when NOTHING has changed. He will survive. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own and your child. Good Luck!
2006-09-30 01:01:05 · answer #9 · answered by shelshe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the right to feel bad. He seems to be playing on your feelings. However he might also be serious in his attempt to save the marriage. You must now decide if your feelings for him is still strong enough to carry on and give him a second chance. Furthermore I assume that you have been open with your child in this regard. Speak to him/her and think of what is going to be best for him/her as well. Remember whatever choice you make it is going to have a lasting effect on your child.
Good luck and God bless.
2006-09-30 00:59:25 · answer #10 · answered by robsnor 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋