My husband and I have had a VERY strained realationship the last few years. Everything from major health issues (I had cancer diagnosed only a couple months after we were married) to financial issues, running a family business together, two children under 3 and his mother passed away a few months ago.
He syas he needs space to figure out what he wants. He won't talk to me about anything. He says I amhis best friend etc but not "in" love with me...ever! He syas he loves me and the kids buit doens't feel connected to any of us. He says I would be better off to find somene else who could show me love. What he means is that he can't enjoy any good things. Playing with the children, doing things as a couple etc.
He is gone to our friends wedding (he is in it) this week. I promised I would not call or write but it is so hard. My heart physcially is aching in my chest.
I can't focus on the kids (I'm on here aren't i?) What do I do?
2006-09-30 00:49:06 · 15 answers · asked by Sandra C 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Take this time away to figure out what you want in your own life. Don't go according to the desperate feeling inside you. You're used to your pattern with your hubby, but perhaps it hasn't been as fulfilling as you thought. Perhaps you've just been going through the motions just like he feels he has been. I think your best bet would be to leave him alone right now while he sorts through his thoughts and feelings. You do the same, hard as it may be. Maybe the time apart and the tension going along with it will help you both regain your focus and perhaps it will work out fine. I hope so. Above all, if you choose to work things out together, marriage counseling will help if you allow it. I don't mean particularly going along with the first counselor you find. If the first one doesn't feel comfortable for some reason, go to another and maybe yet another until you find one that you both can feel comfortable with.
2006-09-30 00:56:58 · answer #1 · answered by Laura Renee 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am feeling for you right now. Better than an answer from this site, you and he really need professional help. Dont be too proud to do it. If your kids matter to you it will be worth any cost. It will be a long and hard road but I suspect that this did not just happen overnight either.
As for the next few days. Determine in your mind that you will do what ever it takes. While separation or divorce is an option I have discovered that hard work to love each other has greater rewards for the kids and yourself.
Think about the things that attracted you to each other. Think about what it will take to show him you love him. Slow down. Make some space for each other and the kids. Love and marriage takes work and you will have to relook at everything to make this work. Make it the priority of your life falling in love again.
2006-09-30 08:11:00 · answer #2 · answered by revlex 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry tho hear that life's been so rough lately. I truely hope things get better.
It really sounds to me like your husband needs a little help in a few ways. He seems stressed and depressed. I don't think he's going to be much of a person, until he learns to accept his problems and work on solutions. Problems don't go away, and many of them you can't fix yourself.
The things that he is dealing with are his own. They really don't have alot to do with you, except youre stuck in the middle, and your heart is on the line-- as well as the wellness of your family.
Reassure your husband that you love him, and most importantly, that you care about helping him through. He needs to seek help so that he can be a happy person.
Let him know that you can be a helping hand; that doesnt mean that he has to be in love with you, but at least youre someone who cares for him. Let him know that your feelings, and your family needs him to be strong and to seek help. Let him know, that no matter what he decides, that it should not harm anyone, or himself-that it should be a good choice, and that it should come from a sound mind.
Yes, he needs some space. Give him a little space. Don't let him dom anything in haste or anything crazy, that might affect him, you, or the wellness of your family for the rest of your lives. No matter what happens in your relationship, there's a healthy and harmless way to change a relationship, without scarring lives.
Another thing. His children will always be his children. When children are grown they look back at their childhood, and the involvement of their parents. It, in many ways defines who they are as adults. He must always remember that, being apart of his childrens life is essential, it is a must. Having children is a lifetime commitment.
Anyway, after some time alone, and time to himself, to think. He truely needs to work on solutions. He needs to accept himself, and love himself, and learn to become his ideal person, his ideal self. I really think that as a person who cares for him - You should help him take these steps in the future.
ashes_by_now_c2002
2006-09-30 08:12:21 · answer #3 · answered by Clark W Griswold 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Reading your question, I don't know you, but very sorry you are having such a rough time....your aching heart? I know what that feels like, and it bites...You have obviously had some rough times in such a short amount of time, have no easy answer for you, just feel for ya' with having two small kids on top of everything else you have to take care of...draining-stress is...and I hope an answer comes to you that can help you...good luck to you sincerely
2006-09-30 08:13:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is probably grieving over his mother. It's strange, because you think that he would want you to be there, but from my experience he doesn't. About a year ago my grandpa passed away. He was like my dad. I was living in another state, with my boyfriend. He tried to be there for me, but didn't want him to be. I just wanted him to leave me alone! Not even talk to me! A month after, I left him! I moved to another state. He kept calling me, which I liked, because then I knew he still cared about me. But every time he talked to me he would say something about us being together again. I would tell him to stop getting his hopes up, because it's not going to happen. He said his mom thinks I'm just grieving over my grandpa. I thought that was silly! I was not! I didn't realize it at the time, but I was. I came back to him after a month and a half. It did damage our relationship a bit, but it's ok. I don't know why, but the loss of a loved one makes you want to be alone. Just let him know that you care and you love him. Other than that all you can do is wait. I know it's agonizing, but it will all be alright. I'm really sorry that all these things have been happening to you. But you they say we were put here for god to test us, and he's testing you. With challenges this great, your reward must be worth it! Keep your head up! I would love to talk to you if you like. Just E-mail me anytime!
2006-09-30 08:01:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You got troubles. Get an empty notebook and start writing down your problems. Some you can do something about and some you can't. Now that you have a rough draft separate the can do something about things and the can't do anything about things.Work on the can dos.If you can't make someone love you then why worry about it? But if you can move and have a better life why not do that?
2006-09-30 07:58:08 · answer #6 · answered by super stud 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Move on. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't love you. It isn't right for him to do it but it isn't right for you to hold on either. It sounds like he is and has been cheating on you. Be strong for yourself and for the kids. they need you more than anything. Love will come your way, you deserve it. I know the pain that you are going through and believe me it will go away. Every time you look at the kids you will be reminded. But you know what has he called to talk to the kids or to see how you are doing. My ex doesn't call to talk to his daughter. I call him to talk to her because I don't want her to feel the pain of abandonment. It will get better show him that you are strong and you can survive without him you are a good person and only deserve the best.
2006-09-30 07:57:28 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
give him time to think, give him space. I am so sorry that you are going threw this. my late husband had ms, my younger son has a mild form of cp and my daughter is mentally handicapped. we where married thirty five years until he died. we had also alot of problems but we stayed together. yes we also had problems, no marriage is perfect. sometimes we say things that we don't mean but once said we can not take them back. I am sure your husband still loves you and will be back. hope all goes well for you. live one day at a time. I do also. pray alot, it works
2006-09-30 07:53:41 · answer #8 · answered by lover of Jehovah and Jesus 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband is being truly honest with you. Why don't you give both of you a chance? He has the right to find someone else and you too. Why be in a relationship that doesn't mean anything any longer?
2006-09-30 08:11:27 · answer #9 · answered by cb56br 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Go to him, call over there every minute, go and bring him back home with you, etc. in that general idea because if you don't the longer he stays away the less likely it is that he will return. I'm living proof of that! 6 months and still searching and crying daily.Go with your heart not your brain.
2006-09-30 07:57:17 · answer #10 · answered by Tina Zecca 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋