check my sentence grammar and structure please?

Question

Today’s generation of society now experiences the start of the age of technology. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present and propose to you a unique design of a portable media player that I do think is a prospective hit among the teens, whose trends are of Internet and electronics. A superb exterior design in addition to technical specifications and features will be significant for an amateur company in confronting the digital industry giants Sony, Microsoft, Apple, and other major competitors. The proposal not only provides competence in market dominance but also responds to the philosophy of consumer satisfaction and entertainment, quality, and innovation.

and if you can improve it, much better. thanks

Answer 1

Here is my edit..

Today’s generation is now experiencing a new age of technology. Unlike past generations, we now have the technology to do things never even conceived of in the past.
Combining new electronic technology along with the technology of the internet we are now presenting a very unique design of a portable media player that will become a sure hit among any age group.
With it's superb exterior design in addition to supreme technical specifications and features our product will be significant step in confronting the digital industry giants; Sony, Microsoft, Apple, and other major competitors.
The following proposal not only provides competence in market dominance but also responds to the philosophy of consumer satisfaction,entertainment, quality, and innovation.


The reason i changed certain things are as follows....
1.We are not at the start age of technology ..it started more than 50 yrs ago
2. I tryed to use more appealing words because you are presenting a product that you are trying to sell
3.In selling and presentations you should show that the product appeals more to everyone than singling out a certain group, such as teenagers.
That way you make your product seem like it will be more in demand.
4. "amatuer company" may sound insulting to some because amatuer sometimes is perceived as a subtle hint of "incompetant', "naive", "not as professional as an established company"
5. when you say " i do think" it should not be think as if you are not totally sure..You must project confidence in your product..
I hope i could help you and if you would like anymore help please feel free to ask/ I will check back on the question if you would like to add any additional details. ;)

Answer 2

Today’s generation of society now experiences the start of the age of technology.

Weak and redundant.
Today -- now
generation of society
Technology could be the printing press

We are witnessing the first generation born into the internet age.


Ladies and gentlemen, let me present and propose to you a unique design of a portable media player that I do think is a prospective hit among the teens, whose trends are of Internet and electronics.

Redundant
Ladies and gentlemen... to you (who else?)
present and propse (nice alliteration, you may want to keep it)
Weak
I think the internet and electronics are more than trends.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me present a unique design for a portable media player which adresses the trends among the teens who don't recall an era without the Internet and electronics.

A superb exterior design in addition to technical specifications and features will be significant for an amateur company in confronting the digital industry giants Sony, Microsoft, Apple, and other major competitors.

Still weak
amateur company? don't they do this for a living?

Combining a superb exterior design with technical specifications and features will be the challenge for a start-up company confronting the digital industry giants Sony, Microsoft, Apple, and other major competitors.

The proposal not only provides competence in market dominance but also responds to the philosophy of consumer satisfaction and entertainment, quality, and innovation.

Poor word choices
competence in market dominance?

The proposal not only provides a path toiwards market dominance but epitomizes the philosophy of consumer satisfaction and maximizes entertainment quality and innovation.

Look at every word. Sweat the details. Your grammar does not contain any errors, but you do not command the language. Good luck.

Answer 3

Present generation is experiencing the beginning of a new era of technology. Ladies and gentlemen, let me present and propose to you a unique design of a portable media player that I believe is a prospective hit among the teens, whose trends are of Internet and electronics. A superb exterior design ,modern technical specifications and fresh new user-friendly features will be significant for an amateur company in confronting head-on with the digital industry giants Sony, Microsoft, Apple, and other major competitors. The proposal not only provides competence & profitability in market dominance but also responds to the philosophy of consumer satisfaction, entertainment, quality, and innovation.

Answer 4

Ladies and Gentlemen....
The rebirth of Age of Technology starts now!
I present to you the next generation of media player, sure to be a poppin' hit with today's net-savy teen!
Uniquely styled to appeal to the trendiest clubber. It's cutting edge technology is so advanced, that the big 3 (Apple, Microsoft, and Sony) will wonder how they can even begin to compete!
As this proposal will show, the new "mp" is not only targeted to market domination with it's style and structure, it's also targeted to customer confidence, with it's fun, features, funcation, and flash!

Answer 5

No grammar errors, but you haven't used any transitions in your sentences, which makes it seem like just a bunch of sentences put together without really meaning anything.

Answer 6

répondez s'il vous plaît (please reply)