It's basically something I came up with just wondering...
watching the stars watch me
what could i possibly be?
humanity is down on me
the morning skies neglect me
wishing on the stars,
staring at the night time love
wishing for things to turn around
would the stars kill my pain
would the moon love me in vain?
would i become what is needed of me
or would i die alone without a need or care?
the sun shines on you
glitters in your eyes
turn back, i tell my soul
turn back before it happens again
and all i can do is dwell on pain
what goes wrong and what kills us
will we be our own end?
2006-09-29 13:59:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
The last part is good, because it's more free-verse. The rhyming seemed a little forced at the beginning, and it seems like you would do better writing Free-verse poetry then rhyming poetry.
2006-09-29 14:14:46 · answer #1 · answered by isayssoccer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like bits and pieces of it....it needs some fine-tuning. It starts of with a sort of rhyme scheme, but then it goes whimsical. I love the ending...I like the whole, "Would the stars kill my pain, Would the moon love me in vain" concept. Those are my favorite lines! Just think of a theme that would encompass what you wrote and really try to concentrate on that emotion; you'd be surprised at what you'll come up with!
2006-09-29 21:03:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's pretty good. I really like it, it's kinda sad and yet it just touches the right feelings. Have you been through a breakup recently? It sounds like that kind of a poem.
2006-09-29 21:09:15 · answer #3 · answered by Who, Me?? ...I'm Lost... 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice
2006-09-30 03:49:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anry 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!1 good ttheres actually a tear in my eye i write poems too story songs the whole 9 yards you look between th lines!american idol is wrong tell him dont hate apprecate
2006-09-29 21:03:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's amazing. It's so deep and so thoughtful. You should seriously think of doing more poems. A lot of people will read them and think deep.
2006-09-29 21:02:25 · answer #6 · answered by Jackie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't understand why it rhymes in some spots and doesn't in other spots.
who is "you" and what is "it" that happened? don't leave the reader baffled. show us! it would make the poem more clear. the beginning doesn't agree with the middle.
2006-09-29 21:10:03 · answer #7 · answered by Leah Dorean 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well written, slightly depressing
2006-09-29 21:01:25 · answer #8 · answered by Sweet pea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think that it was good but needs a little work keep trying
2006-09-29 21:02:38 · answer #9 · answered by ardgo2112 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i truly dig it. i loved reading it. thank you for sharing it with us. keep em' coming!
2006-09-29 21:45:11 · answer #10 · answered by lrfoster7 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋