Should I be faithful?

Question

My wife, who is my BEST friend, went off sex some years ago. I am getting desperate - I'm pretty fit, and although I have had opportunities, have not been unfaithful, However, I need "it" badly. She has intimated that if I went with another woman she would object strongly: I think this is unfair. Help?

We have been married 27 years. We have 2 grown-up children away from home. This is my second marriage. We used to do it morning, noon and night. I do all ther right things - say nice things, buy chocs and wine and presents. Nothing works. She did say she couldn,t think of a relationship with any man, but does not seem to be "the other way" if you know what I mean.

Answer 1

why did she "go off" sex? tell her how bad you need it, and maybe she'll come around.

Answer 2

Its possible she may have cheated on you before and now cant bear you to touch her. (maybe her guilt getting in the way) it can happen that way, or maybe shes went of sex for some other reason. I'm surprised its been some years this has been going on. Maybe she just doesn't fancy you any more. If she cared enough about you and your relationship then she would seek help if medical or psychological help was required.
There's obviously something not right here because she knows how you feel yet shes denying you the pleasure to get close and loving towards her. Is it possible shes been with someone else? because more often than not its the people who rant and rave about fearing that their partner may go off with someone else are usually the very people who have done it themselves.
If she really cares about you she will get this problem between you sorted out the best she can, even some foreplay would help the situation for now until you get down to what is really bothering her.

Answer 3

your wife probably doesn't realise how much men need sex. I didn't know and it caused no end of trouble in our marriage. Have you tried counselling? Of course it could be that you need educating yourself in how to get a woman in the right mood, we need to feel safe and relaxed, it's no good trying to get sex when you have kids running around, your mum on the phone, the football on tv or when she's in the middle of housework. Try writing her a letter explaining nicely how important it is to you, make sure she doesn't get even a hint of you planning to be unfaithful ( I think that's a really bad idea, you would be better off getting divorced, and that's a bad idea too). Any thoughts that she has to have sex or you will have a fling will make her feel like you are blackmailing her, which let's face it isn't far from the truth. The thing to remember is not to point the finger and say 'you have a problem,' but to come alongside her and say,' we have a problem and I need your help to fix it.' Love, love love her, it goes a long way. Get a leaflet and leave it around.

Answer 4

Hi Fella. i have not read any of the other answers. But i know what you are going though. I'm 40 next month. My wife is still only 31. I help with everthing. House work the kids. And she is alway's going on about see desurve repect. I do repect her. I'm alway's honest. And she has her freedom. I work during the day and teach kicboxing three times a week. I think she has a good life wuth me. But i'm unhappy with her. I have a high sex drive. She doe's not have a sex drive. I do sexual things to her. And she say's she enjoy's it. But i never get it in returns. Her idea of quality time together. Is just sitting in the same room while she reads or watchers t.v. Then we go to bed. And then she reads untill she falls to sleep. And when ever i try and talk to her about it. She just becomes abusive and defensive. So i'm goiung to have an affair as soon as i get the opportunity. Good luck fella. Just do what you think is write. No one else can make your diccisions. It's all down to you doing what you think is right for you. I have.

Answer 5

You need to find the reason why she went of sex, as a married woman this happened to me, I just went of it. The reasons for this, were stress, tiredness, hysterectomy, it was just the same old routine.

My interest did come back, and we have a healthy active, and fun sex life now, but we did talk about it, if we had before things may have been resolved sooner.

I don't believe she should have sex with you, just because you need it badly, that is unfair, and I wouldnt want someone to have sex with just because I wanted to, that will lead to resentment.

Do not go elsewhere, your marriage vows, are for better or worse, this is a blip in your marriage, and happens in alot of marriages, at some time. If you are unfaithful and you loose her, you will be loosing a wife, and best friend, just because you cant find out why she went of sex.

Go woo her, make her feel wanted, make her feel sexy, make her feel loved. But dont make it look like its just to get sex.

Answer 6

You sound like the kind of guy who wouldn't want a one night stand. If you have an affair just be careful.
make sure you both know what you are letting yourself in for.
I had an affair with a wonderful man who was in exactly the same situation that you find yourself in. Neither of us had any intention of leaving our partners but we were both filling a gap that was missing in our marriages. We had a wonderful relationship and are still close friends now. the affair ended when his wife became ill. the reason it worked was because we both knew exactly what we were doing. no one found out and nobody got hurt... except us when it ended. but Hey... it was amazing while it lasted. ( I think it helped that we were friends before the affair... we enjoyed spending time together so I ( we never felt it was just sex)
I hope it works out for you

Answer 7

If you are unable to talk things through, what I mean is, if she won't tell you why she doesn't want sex, the REAL reason, then really, you have but one option. Tell her that you want to know, however hurtful the reason may be, why she won't sleep with you, if she gives you a brush off, and won't tell you, then very calmly (hard I know) explain that she is hurting you, that you love her, that you have tried everything but you are unable to be disloyal and so you have no other option than to end the marriage as you will not sleep with anyone whilst still married to her. There are many reasons for what she is doing, but unless she tells you what they are, how can you reconcile the difference?

Answer 8

You need to get to the bottom of why she went off it, use professional help if necessary. Offer to go to counselling together. Explain to her that this is really damaging your marriage and it's not just about the physical act of the sex itself but the intimacy and closeness created by that contact. Let her know how much this is hurting you and maybe she will at least try to sort it out. Best of luck.

Answer 9

You really need to find out the cause of your wifes uninterest in sex.
I cant believe you have stayed so long, many men would have left years ago.
See if she will go to a counsellor, either alone or with you. Tell her you cant go on like this any more, I think she is being very unfair.

Answer 10

I know she cheated on you which is wrong. But you cheating on her makes you just as bad. I guess the question is: is that a problem for you?

Why do you really want to cheat? Is it because you want to get her back? Is it because you just want more options? What would be the point of being with someone when you both just cheat on eachother? Wouldn't it be better to just have an open relationship or break up and just be friends?

Answer 11

Part of marriage is sex. What about a sex therapist...there must be a deeper issue with your wife.

You need to plan the most spontaneous, romantic night ever, surprise her, get chocolate dipped strawberries, buy her her favourite perfume or bath products and tell her how much you love her, talk about your wedding day, dance to your wedding dance and then go for it.