I am so angry lately. How can I calm myself down?

Question

What are some techniques?

I am angry when the kids 7 and 9 years old argue with each other. I want to be calm when I talk to them.

They fight to gain control over one another.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear that.

I used to watch movies to put myself at peace. For that brief moment in time I was not me. I was someone watching others live their lives and empathizing with their emotions. It worked quite well until people began to ask me about the movies I went to and that some how made me an expert. Next thing I knew people wanted more out of me and the movie became less relaxing.

So I moved on to the gym, working out 5 to 6 hours a day only people began to notice how much weight I was losing and how much better I was looking and then they started to treat me like I was a trainer and soon it was all about helping them and not relaxing.

Then came the sitting in lobbies phase which led me to talking to strangers while I waited fro others to finish with their appointments, only to learn that strangers are only strangers for so long and then they become freinds and you have to help them out too. Pretty soon you are doing and saying things you never intended to get into.

You can tell I am not trying to calm you down right now but share with you some of the mistakes you may already be making the same way I made them in the past.

To get past your anger what you want to find is your happy place. I know that is a line from an Adam Sandler movie but he probably stole it from me so I can use it none the less.

I know you have a lot on your table, school, children, exercise, your relationship and life in general. Juggling that many things can be hectic. First thing you should do about that is prioritize your life according to an ABC schedule. A is things you have to do today. B is things you have to do this week. C is things you have to do sometime. Break the bigger tasks done into smaller tasks and mix them in with the tasks you have to do today. Doing this will make you feel more in control of your life.

Next, and I mentioned this before, lay off the caffiene. It is a major stress breeder. You like coffee but it does not like you. It is a stimulant/mood alterant. Cut it out.

After that, go do your yoga only focus more on the breathing and meditation exercises and less on the stretching and flexibility exercises. Your mind is the most important muscle that you have to work out. Free it to serve you better. Enhance your calm.

I think I have told you about my theory on love but it applies here in this manner. You have to care for yourself, want the best for yourself, from yourself, because you are yourself. You need to trust yourself. You are not trying to do yourself harm so why second guess yourself. Think positive. And, be honest with yourself. If things are not going your way then don't be afraid to say this is happening because (Fill in the Blank) and go with that. If you think you are being too hard on others then you probably are. If you think it is the other way around then it probably is. The point is to see your relationships for what they are and in that manner see you for who you are. Knowing yourself, trusting yourself and caring for yourself is how you love yourself, and in turn love others. Trust them, care fore them, and be honest with them. It will work out.

If that doesn't work then you can go back to my earliest solution to anger, be angry. I look at anger as an expression of love gone wrong either through a lack of trust or a lack of honesty or both. The caring is there only it has turned to self preservation directed at the person or thing that is making you angry. Why hold this in? It is not good to do so and not necessarily bad to let it out. It opens the lines of communication and builds ground rules for what others should avoid when dealing with you. Maybe you should be angree at this point. Maybe that is what your relationship needs.

You want to be calm. Well some times a ship has to weather a storm to reach a calm. The seas may be choppy for a while but they can only get worse if you wait to work things out. The bigger the waves get the more likely your boat is to capsize. Turn your masts into the wind and brave the storm . The calm is staight ahead.

I hate to admit it but a great argument completed is almost as good as sex. As a matter of fact, some times it is better than sex. Your body and mind are tired and your spirit is free and it just feels so peaceful it is beautiful, like good sex.

Anyway, enough of the similes and metaphors. Choos e the path you want. I am sure you will do fine. I can see that in writing. Later.

In answer to your other question, boredom. It was a new thing to do, a path not taken, a way to kill time until something new showed up. The Entertainment section was boring. The Philosophy section was filled with psuedo intellecuals stroking their egos. Religion was yelling at it self. Social was being childish. Everywhere I went I was facing nothing spectacular so i thought why not draft for an evening? I also thought I would thow out a few shout outs for you so that others might give your thoughts a little more thought. You have interseting perspectives. So anyway, that is why, it was just a way to kill a bad Thursday of answers while doing something else. No offense intended. I just vigged instead of zagged.

Update:

What you are upset with is your inability to get them to stop fighting?

Take them both a side and one by one tell them that this is not acceptable behavior and you will not tolerate it. Tell them that they are getting nowhere by fighting and the sooner they stop yelling and start talking to one another the sooner they will be able to get something accomplished. They can't always have it their way but if they work together they can each get some things to work out for themselves. This is one of those I talk you listen conversations. You are in charge so mediate. Ask each to tell you what is up and when they are done tell them both what you have learned. This is analysis of a problem. Next comes synthesis where you tell them how both sides can work together to form a compromise. Do not get emotional. It won't help. Instead get commanding. Direct. Terse. If they don't respond well, ask them if they would rather you punish them. If they still don't respond well, do so. Do not let this go away unsettled. It will come back again and make you angrier the next time. Get them to come to an agreement and make sure they stick to it. Kind of picture yourself as a principal. It helps. And when no body is looking get yourself some ice cream. If is hard to stay unhappy when you are all cold and sugary inside.

AFTERTHOUGHT.

I was talking to some people today about their family and I thought about the possibility that you are paying the price for their other mother being so strict with them. You are probably being taken advantage of. They are doing to you wahat they want to do to their mother whose attention they want. It is not uncommon in divorced families to have the children try this stuff with both households. If you really want to test this thory , when their birth mother comes to pick them up, tell her how wonderful they behaved in front of them and she will probably give them the attention they crave just to prove that she is the better mother. I am assuming they see their birth mother. At any rate it should work. They will also be confused as to why you changed your tune. Call it my Jedi Mind Scramble. Enjoy.

Answer 2

Cry. cry real hard the next time your children argue, I believe that the age difference is whats wrong with them. I have four sisters and I know they were never Friends. If your children are of the same gender then only time will calm the anger. I'm sure the 20 plus years since we were all under our parents roof, (me and my four sisters) raising children has put a strain on a parent. My wife and I weren't able to have a child and some people we have gotten to know over the years have said "We were smart" but soon apologize soon after we tell them it wasn't a choice we made.
My mom didn't waist any time with a slap to the back of the head or a quick crack of a belt on our tail ends. Not anything life threatening but a real attention getter.When we were sent to our room...that's was it... a room , bed ,dresser and maybe a model I built a few months. Now-a-days most rooms are small electronic stores and its almost a pleasure to be sent to your room.
My best advice to you is to make them feel bad every time they're arguing, Cry.... and make sure you let them know that its their fault. Good luck...

Answer 3

I agree w/the person who said to find out WHY you're angry. If it's at a person, try talking it out w/them. If it's something else, try whacking a tree with a branch, or exercising. Yelling, even swearing can help. If you try to repress it, you'll just end up worse than you are. If you feel TOO upset, deep breathing is the best way to calm down, along w/exercise. Once you're calm, try meditating. If it doesn't get any better, short-term therapy can probably help...if you're open to it. Remember, it's okay to be angry; it's a perfectly valid human emotion if you don't let it get out of control or direct it onto yourself or the wrong person. Good luck!

Answer 4

Lack of patience for starters? You should evaluate what is the cause of your anger. Then you have to do something about it.

You maybe need a vacation or some time for yourself.
As for the kids, there may be a bad environment in the house that makes them fight all the time. Again find out what's the deal with them.

You may want to meditate, seek professional help and or take longer showers. God may help too, if you let Him in.

Daydream while they fight. But never take on them. Talk to them and ask them for your their cooperation.


Good luck!

Answer 5

Personally, I have to give myself and my kid a timeout. Sometimes I get so enraged that I can literally feel the urge to smack him travel down to my hand. At that point I have to just distance myself for a few minutes, either physically or just mentally, until the urge passes.

If my husband is available, sometimes I'm able to go outside and have a brisk walk, which really helps. Physical exercise can do wonders to dissipate stress and anger.

When dealing with older kids, I think it's perfectly fine to separate them and take a few minutes to compose yourself before addressing whatever the key issue was. I also think it's fine to tell them that you're angry, as in "I am very angry. I need a few minutes to calm down. Go to your bedrooms. I will come get you in ten minutes."

Answer 6

Breathing techniques can help you calm down. If not you can do what I did and take Karate. You can focus your anger on something else and learn how to defend yourself at the same time. Something seems to be bothering you and you need to figure it out before it gets worse. Good Luck

Answer 7

You too? Must be a virus or something. I met lots of angry people lately. Probably the season, (dreary, not as sunny) Maybe its a low-grade cold you're coming down with. Everyone seems to be snapping at everyone these days. I get angry at things that on another day wouldn't phase me in the least. maybe there's a collective "anger" thing that humans share with one another when they sense something not quite right in society or in their lives. Mere specualtion, however, and unprovable in an open experiment.

Answer 8

Anger is a by-product of frustration. When you get frustrated about being angry and angry about being frustrated, it all just feeds on itself. You need a little time to yourself when you can just be instead of having to do. If you can arrange an acceptable way to spend some time alone and relaxing, you'll feel so much better. I hope you'll be able to take a break from stress. Good luck!

Answer 9

I've been there (and sometimes I come back for visits). I have "rage" problems. Especially at work when I ask for things to be done a certain way and they repeatedly aren't done that way. I'm reading a self help book, "Change your mind and your life will follow" by Karen Casey. Its helpful. It reminds me that I can't control others, only myself and how I choose to react to situations. I know it sounds hokey (It sounds hokey to me and I'm reading the thing), but it has helped.

Good luck, I feel your pain, I really do;-}

Answer 10

Take a deep breath or a few and try to think about what you should tell them, think about what will make them stop fighting and won't make you blow up. But that's part of life. Sometimes you just have to blow up over certain things. Good luck

Answer 11

Start a mood journal. You need to understand what your triggers are, so you can either avoid them, or be able to put them into perspective.

Are your kids fighting over your attention? Work a lot of hours?