Does this seem like a great opening paragraph for a book?

Question

The rain drifted in the wind making what looked like waves on the dry gorund. The ground soaked it up like a sponge but still looked parched. Oklahoma hadn't had rain for a long time, it seemed to Kiara that there hasn't been rain for years. Kiara ran out into the rain and danced. She didn't relize that would be her last dance in the rain, by herself at least.

Answer 1

No, I cannot imagine wind-borne rain looking like waves on the ground. The first para is crucial in a book and yours isn't there yet. You must evoke interest in the reader right from the first sentance, otherwise they'll drop the book and move on to the next, and you will not have a best seller. I'd start with something like this (this is just my opinion - feel welcome to hate it ;o)

"Oklahoma had been in drought for only seven years, but to Kiara, aged 15, it seemed like forever. Now, the first rain was beginning to fall, fine lace sheets of it, borne on the gentlest breeze. She stood in it, bare footed, and let the droplets caress her upturned face. The parched earth beneath her toes sucked in every drop with a thirst that reminded Kiara of the walking-dead cattle that had once staggered blind over the ranch lands where she lived. They were long gone, their bones the only evidence of their ever being there. ... "

Good luck

Answer 2

"The rain drifted in the wind" is good.
"making what looked like" is rough sounding. Try: "sending waves across the parched ground."

"The ground soaked it up like a sponge" is trite, meaning this is a common phrase and not creative.

"but still looked parched" sounds too passive. Leave that second sentence out altogether. For tight writing, make a few words do the work without overdoing it. "the parched ground" in the first sentence takes care of the image you are going for.

"Oklahoma hadn't had rain for a long time" is a little rough, too.
"hadn't had" is a problem. Try to come up with a creative line that shows Oklahoma desperately needed rain without sounding quite so passive. "For weeks Oklahoma baked in the heat." (more active)

Kiara forgot what rain felt like. She ran out and danced in the waves of water, not realizing it would be her last chance to celebrate the rain in glorious solitude.

Use description and strong verbs.

You've written a great opening, but good writing is always made better by revising, revising, revising. All great writers do.

Answer 3

It is hard to imagine the scene your describing. The first two sentences are confusing. There is a lot of rain but the ground is still parched.

Remember, you are trying to paint a picture for your readers, so it might be a good idea to describe the colours of your scene.

Don't have too much information in your opening paragraph. Some authors take pages to describe the landscape and pages to describe the main character. I'm not saying that is the best idea. In fact, too much detail can get tedious. But don't put too many ideas into the opening paragraph.

I already have a good idea what will happen in the book. Kiara will meet a man. Instead, you could try to keep me guessing.

Answer 4

A bit clumsy.... How about tidying it up a little....

The parched ground rejected the spattered waves of rain, Kiara ran out and danced with her head high and her mouth open to catch the delicious drips. She couldn't remember the last rain in Oklahoma, only knew that it had been many years before....

Answer 5

The ferocity of the wind, combined with the lashing of rain, sounded like "Dante's inferno", as it sent waves of water over the dry ground, only to be spontaneously sopped up, like a sponge.Yet the ground remained parched and dry, with that acrid smell that lingers in the air, coming from, the neglect of mother natures bounty.

This is what I would start off with, but yours is very good, just needs a little more of dramatics.

I do like the rest of it very much.....you must start out "strong", in order to get the attention of the reader, and keep them interested.

Hope this helps you!!

Answer 6

The idea is good, but you are describing things a little too plainly. There are plenty of things you could add to it. HOW did Kiara dance? Was she laughing? Crying? Singing? Where exactly did she come from? A house? An apartment? Readers will be more interested in a character if they know more about her, about her feelings, and how she thinks.

Answer 7

No, you have used too many words to say so little."Soaked up like a sponge" is over used, try a different description. This scene has been described in books and films before. Try not to abbreviate words.The opening paragraph should be short, sharp, hard hitting "Kiara had never seen an electric storm like it, forked lightning lit up the sky, as the sheet rain, filled up the cracks in the arid Oklahoma
earth..............
Oh! my goodness, I am getting carried away!

Answer 8

Redundancy of the word ground and rain. Good imagery in the first line, but the rest of the paragraph is a little weak. If you're trying to publish something, you should take some literary criticism courses and try to spell a little better. My writing and literature courses in college really helped.

Answer 9

Hmm, no. Sounds like a gay opening paragraph for a stupid romance novel with a Fabio wannabe on the cover. By the way, what is dry gorund?

Answer 10

I think the use similes and metaphors is overdone, and much of this is repetitive. Also, I don't know how the ground can look like it has waves and be parched at the same time.
Keep working on it- I'm sure you can improve!