My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2.
I am 24, he is 26.
We went to college, bought a house, have careers and have traveled all over.
We are homebodies, love to spend time together and visit our family.
Our relationship is very stable and we are ready to start a family.
When friends of mine find out about our plans to have a baby soon then say really discouraging things.
They will say they love their children, but it strained their relationship and the changes a child causes brings a lot of tension.
They say to cherish all the time I can spend with my husband without children.
These friends were not married before getting pregnant, and were together for only 1-2 years when they had their child.
Why does it seem like my friends think having children are bad?
Why do they discourage us from bringing a child into a happy and stable marriage?!
2006-09-29 11:15:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds to me as though your friends had a bad experience with children, and from the way you describe it, it's understandable why they did. That's not meant judgmentally, but more in sympathy -- there are easier and harder ways to have kids, and theirs was one of the harder ones.
You guys sound like us, on the other hand -- my wife was 29, I was 31 when we had our first child, and we'd been married for seven or eight years. That one's eighteen, and she has a 15-year-old sister and a little brother who turns ten in about three weeks (aack!)
And we LOVE our kids -- better yet, we really LIKE them all. The oldest started college this week and has been an absolute joy to be around. She's excited by everything, she likes her classes, she's finding new bookstores and restaurants near campus and has been making new friends, and mainly she's just suddenly grown up even more than she did at her last big milestone: her first job, which she started over the summer. So she has a go-anywhere bus pass, a debit card with her own money in it, and is going to a good school right in the middle of downtown in a beautiful city. She gets up on time, gets to work on time, gets to school on time -- she's mature, responsible and together, and I'm so proud I could just cry.
And... more to the point, spending time with this interesting, vivacious, intelligent and energetic young woman all week has been like getting paid back for all the hard work we put into her at various stages of growing up. Because I won't lie to you -- kids DO take work, and attention, and dedication, at least if you want them to be competent, capable adults when the time comes. Yes, you'll have to give up a few nights of sleep. (A few! Hah! :-) Yes, the "terrible twos" are frustrating (but not unendurable, and besides, three-year-olds are an absolute joy -- I always said they were our reward for not strangling them when they were two).
And then there are the teen years, and heartbreak, and socialization in high school, and homework, and... Make no mistake: kids are a lot of effort, and at the end of the day there's nobody you can hand it off to -- it's you, babe, because they're yours.
But you know what? I hear the Sistine Chapel was a lot of work, too. And those Roman aqueducts? LOTS of sleepless nights, I bet.
So thank those discouraging friends of yours for sharing, tell them how much you value their advice, and let them know you're going to find out for yourselves.
And I'll give you my Daddy Secret for dealing with kids (all kids, really, but your own especially): Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Pay attention to them. Treat them with respect -- don't patronize them or talk down to them or pooh-pooh them. Assume, as difficult as it may be, that they're human beings, and endowed by their creators -- that is, you guys -- with certain unalienable rights, and all that. And for all that... remember that your job isn't to be their friends or give them what they want or make life easy for them, your job is to do whatever it takes for them to grow up as competent, capable individuals, able to live a life they love and to live it powerfully.
But never -- NEVER forget to have fun with them. Because for all the blood, tears, toil and sweat that go into raising them, I have a better time with my kids than I do with anybody on the planet, with one exception.
And that's their mom.
Which is how we ended up with all these kids in the first place. :-)
2006-09-29 12:59:54 · answer #1 · answered by Scott F 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you know you are ready for children, then go for it. They will bring joy into your life. The key is to let your marriage grow along with having children. This is none of my business, but I will say that this other couple having children before being married might have something to do with them feeling strained. But that's just a hypothesis, for I do not know these people personally. If you know you are ready, I wish you the best. Let them bring many moments to cherish. Just make sure you spend lots of time with your children, love them to death, but don't forget to take some time to yourself and with your wife every so often. Blessings,
Kiara
2006-09-29 18:28:59 · answer #2 · answered by Kiara 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There may be something in how you mention your desire to start a family that makes them offer you the "CAUTION" side of the family story.
They may lament the loss of time/freedom that having children is known for but one thing you should know straight up is that they love and adore their children and if anything should happen to their children they would be in a despair you cannot fathom.
They love their kids. I don't know why they are not communicating this to you.
Finally.....you make it sound like you and your husband have your sheep in a heap, so to speak. If you do, what on earth are you asking your friends' permission to start a family for? I realize you're not literally doing that but why keep talking about, why not just get preggers and .....begin? It's not about them, it's about you and your husband and your future kids. End of story.
2006-09-29 18:37:37 · answer #3 · answered by badasslilnici 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All it means is that they had a bad experience, or a difficult time. But children are wonderful. They present new challenges to a relationship, but they bring lots of happiness as well. If you are ready, go for it. Don't let your friends discourage you.
2006-09-29 18:19:04 · answer #4 · answered by trovanhawk 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do what feels right for you. They didn't have a stable relationship before they had their children so it became really stressful without that foundation. Pray and if the answer is "yes" then go for it!
2006-09-29 19:44:41 · answer #5 · answered by RB 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your friends are not butting in, they are just sharing their experience with you. Having kids will be wonderful but its not all roses. Don't take what they say so literal, just keep in mind what they said and take the advice of enjoying your time now before kids as you will be sure to enjoy the time you have after kids.
2006-09-29 20:52:31 · answer #6 · answered by Rhianna 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It' syou and your husband's decision, not your friends. They should be giving you advice at all. It sounds like you are more ready to start a family than most people I know. GOFORIT
P.S.
Perhaps you'd be happier with some new friends. Check it out.
2006-09-29 19:32:57 · answer #7 · answered by delmaanna67 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I assume you do realize that children are a lot of work. You two sound like you can handle kids. Go for it!!!! Why should you get to keep sleeping when you wish? LOL
2006-09-29 18:30:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey your friends wish they would have done it the way you did, heck I wish I had! LOL (my first baby at 19) But you seem to have it together. Kids do bring stress, but it's managable if you make it. Don't listen to those naysayers...
2006-09-29 18:45:42 · answer #9 · answered by clarkgirl2000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and your husband need to make the decision yourselves. Don't listen to what other people think. Why would it be anyone else's business? You sound like you're ready. Go for it. You're burning daylight girl!
2006-09-29 18:28:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋