can you make me laugh with a joke or a story or SOMETHING?

Question

not a good week. please DO NOT be rude...that's the last thing i need.

Answer 1

Real bumperstickers:
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.


Church Bulletin Bloopers:
"For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."

"Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."

"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH

The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL

The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA

The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE



Dumb Questions from Lawyers
The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:

"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"

Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"

"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"

"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


"So you were gone until you returned?"


Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"


"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"

"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"






lol, hope you enjoy

Answer 2

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 3

A man was very distraught at the fact that he had not taken out a woman for a very long time. He began to worry that he had something wrong with him, so he decided to employ the services of a medical sex therapist. His own GP recommended that he go to see Dr Chang, a well known Chinese sex therapist.
So he went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr Chang said, "OK, preeze take off all your crose". The man did as he was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom". Again the man did as he was instructed. "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me". So he did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not get dates".

Confused, the man asked "Oh my God, Dr Chang. What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

"Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your asss."

Answer 4

PREFACE: This shaggy dog tale harkens again to Vaudeville days contained in the early twentieth Century at the same time as relatives docs extremely commonly worked out of their homes and ‘hung a shingle’ of their the front yards that marketed their facilities. I heard Groucho Marx tell this shaggy dog tale on the this nighttime instruct with Johnny Carson, inspite of the reality that I’m particular the shaggy dog tale changed into nicely-circulated between Vaudeville comedians. an somewhat handsome vaudeville actor who had advanced intense laryngitis changed into to finish in that nighttime’s instruct. As he had to regain his voice, and shortly, he went out into the encompassing community to locate a healthcare professional who ought to help him. After walking various blocks, he said a healthcare professional’s shingle and strolled up the sidewalk, up the steps, onto the porch and rang the doorbell. The healthcare professional’s spouse, an alluring, youthful woman, opened the door. the guy, leaning somewhat in the route of the female and in a somewhat audible voice, says “hi,” then asks, “Is the healthcare professional abode?” the female supplies him a short smile, a wink, bends over and whispers in his ear, “No, come on in.”

Answer 5

To quote Al Gore :
" I always had a very vivid and clear sense that men and women were entirely and completely equal - if not more so ".

"A zebra cannot change its spots ".

Answer 6

I can guarantee you that i can make you laugh, not with a joke or story but by tickling you. Tickle...tickle ....tickle...

Answer 7

My dad told me this one today:
If a girl with big boobs works at Hooter's, where does a girl with one leg work?
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IHOP