Should I stay or should I go???

Question

I am in a marriage of 4 years, I have 3 kids ages 17,14,and 9 he has 3 ages 17,15 and 13 (two live in another city) My husband has very bad communication skills. He is VERY controlling and overbearing. It's either his way or none. Wants to be heard, but won't listen. His two oldest children refuse to visit, my oldest has moved with his father. We constantly argue. We've had verbal and physical altercations in the past. I work two jobs to support the family to his one and continue everyday chores as if I'm single. In the beginning I saw this characteristic of him, but thought that because "I" was different from the others, that he would learn from me and change. It's only gotten worse and I'm ready to seperate for good after multiple threats of leaving in the past. He says that if I leave then that means a divorce is next, I dont want a divorce, I love him, but I need him to see where he is wrong. Counseling is scheduled, but I fear that it will be all an act on his part.

Answer 1

ask yourself this... can you and your children survive without this guy? if not, try the counselling, and make sure that you make it clear that your there to work on the relationship not to act a part. Try talking seprately to the counsellor and go together after both of you have said what you wanted to say. If it's housework thats a problem make a chart and do rotations (this will include EVERYONE in the household, regardless of age) As for communication, try sitting him down, with no children or any disturbances at all, and tell him out right how your feeling without letting him speak and interrupt you, then let him speak without you interrupting him. Then lay out your options, leave each other, work it out, or live as roommates. Remember to say that their is no point after that discussion to talk about the past and to try and be positive and work towards the future. If that fails tell him that you have drawn the last straw and your out. You are being mentally abused (oh and physically too) and you don't deserve that. Your a better person than that and you will be that person you want to be. Stick to your word and make him leave regardless of financial situations b/c if you don't he'll just walk all over you.

Answer 2

Love has nothing to do with it. What an awful situation for you and the kids. He does it because he can and won't change. If you're leaving, leave and don't look back. You know what's right--I can tell. You need to look out for you and the kids that count on you to keep them safe and give them security. Sorry this relationship is not what you thought it would be. Please go ahead with the counseling and don't doubt yourself. You deserve a life. Don't waste one more day. Take all the effort and stress this supposed husband is demanding and put it into providing a great life for you and the kids--far from him.

You're breaking my heart here. If you die tomorrow, is this the life you wanted to live? This guy has no right treating any of you the way he does. Kick him to the curb and don't accept anything else. Done.

A second option: He moves out now. If he goes to counseling a year, you go a year, and both go together and the counselor agrees that it is safe and he is healthy, THEN I would back you on keeping this marriage, but until then, he needs to go. He is damaging you and the kids and changing who you and they are. He has no right.

Been there done this and know he won't change. It is up to you to decide on what you plan to tolerate and how you plan to live your life and kids. I wish you all the best and am so sorry.

Answer 3

From reading your post, it strikes me that you already know the answer and you are just wanting to hear it from somebody else.

I am a guy, and have 5 daughters, two of which are step daughters. A blended family isn't easy under the best of conditions and your conditions are far from good.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the work, not only job wise, but at home, and he is just along for the ride.

Any kind of physical altercation is a huge red flag, not to mention the verbal and mental abuse I am sure you are subject too. A marriage is supposed to be about shared decisions regardless of whether is money, discipline of children, household chores, ect.

If it was me, I would have been gone a long time ago. You can't change him, only he can change himself and I doubt at this point in life that is going to happen, he is set in his ways. At his age, I am assuming 40-45 he is not going to change the way he views relationships, the way he deals with issues, or with others.

I say you need to get out, you will be under less stress as will your children. Consider that what your children are observing him do is how they will view what a marriage is supposed to be like. He is not a good example of a husband, and I suspect in your heart, you know he isn't the kind of dad you want for them.

Answer 4

Wow, I feel your pain, I really do. I can't imagine having all those kids between the two of you though. I only have one and my bf has one, but it seems like we never can agree on how to raise them. He is always right about EVERYTHING and I am made to feel like I am dumb or my opinions don't matter.
I would say since there is physical altercations involved it might be best if you two seperate. Depending on what state you live in it may not be so easy to get a divorce. I live in NY and there is a one year waiting period once you are legally separated... of course there are ways around that. Please don't let anyone cause harm to you, it will only get worse. If you are the one beating him up then you need to stop. Violence is NOT the answer. I say go, at least for a cooling off period.
Good luck.

Answer 5

You should go so that the kids don't see constant fighting, verbal and physical altercations and multiple threats of leaving.
Stop it, ok? Your kids don't deserve this environment, do they? I mean, are the kids soooo horrible that they deserve to live under those conditions? Jail would be better that this!
I personally don't care what you "want" or if you "love him"-- I care that your kids have some sort of a peaceful, calm home life without 2 adults acting like out of control idiots!
Besides, you knew he was a jerk when you married him and you're just mad you weren't "special" enough to "change" him.
Leave. Give your kids a quiet home and stop putting your love of arguments with this man before their well-being.

Answer 6

I think you are well aware of the whole situation but don't want to see it eye to eye.
I definitely see that you should follow the separation through...why do you want to torture yourself over someone who is so stubborn and selfish? If its the fear of being alone, then let me refer to a previous statement that you made... ":as if I'm single". What does this say to you? He is just adding on to the problems, heartache and headache and still you feel single.
I think you need to separate yourself from this situation and really assess what you want from your life and how best to be there for your children...you nor will any other woman be able to change him unless he wants to.
Don't settle for less than you know you are entitled to.

Answer 7

Your mistake...like a lot of other women...is you think "I'll change him". Ain't gonna happen baby. You either learn to live with it or get out. How can you even have respect for someone who abuses you? How can you love them? Do you have masochistic tendencies because it sure as hell sounds it.

If you're smart (and by the context of your statement it appears so) then get some self respect and get out. Get the divorce. It won't get any better. Mark my words on this.

Answer 8

Your answer lies in the answers to these questions -

1) How important it is for your kids to have two parents under one roof?
2) What is it that you expect from marriage and a husband?
3) Have you consulted a therapist?

Answer 9

RUN, don't walk to the nearest exit! This man is NEVER going to change. Unless you are willing to endure a few more years of hel* while he goes through the motions of therapy, leave now. If you stay, he will eventually kill the love you feel for him. Don't waste any more time or put your children through any more drama.

Answer 10

Ok your first mistake was thinking a man needs to be changed or fixed.
We are what we are, and only the person can change themselves.
He sounds like an *** from the beginning.
Leaving or staying is only your choice.