My husband and I lived together 5 years before we got married. We do have some shared investments but he will not share with me the details of his finances - how much money he spends in a month or any details. This has been the cause of many fights which usually have no resolution.
We are thinking of having kids and he would like me to be a stay-at-home mom, I don't feel comfortable with that because I do not have a clear picture of his finances.
Please advise.
2006-09-29 08:28:12 · 19 answers · asked by ~Dee~ 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Just to clarify - I do have my own job so he is not supporting me finacially right now.
2006-09-29 08:34:07 · update #1
My husband and I have separate accounts and manage our bills separately but have worked out a situation that I think is comfortable for both of us, and our records are available to each other at all times. If I felt like he was hiding something from me, I'd want to know what and why he was hiding it. How can you be/feel close to someone who hides?
All that to say, I can understand why you're feeling worried. Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. Sort this out *before* you have kids. I had a spouse who was hiding things and it turned out he was actually hiding people, *lots* of people. Not good. We have a daughter, and it's been a truly horrible experience having to deal with this person on a regular basis. I fault him (and myself) for ever having a child together instead of just moving on and finding someone (for me, at least) whom I could trust and love. Hiding in relationship is bad, bad, bad, in my humble opinion. Smoke = Fire.
2006-09-29 08:36:24 · answer #1 · answered by writerchick 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not totally unreal. I feel its a good idea for a while to have seperate finances. If he wants you to be a stay at home mom, then he needs to tell you how the money is doing and you have a shared interest in the state of your(family) overview. It sounds like he has some expeditures that you may not agree with , so be careful. Spouces should be open and honest when it comes to money, as you said it causes serious problems when people hide these issues. If he doesnt have anything to hide, then why wouldnt he tell/show you?
BE Careful!
2006-09-29 08:37:36 · answer #2 · answered by kevin T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We also kept things separate for a long time before combining checking accounts etc. You need to explain to him how uncomfortable you feel about making such a life changing decision without having a clear picture of where you are at as a couple financially. Do this when you are both in a good mood in a neutral location. What ever you do don't get hyper, hostile or cry. Just try to be as logical as you can. Emotions won't work...go at the discussion like you would a business meeting. It's time you put all your eggs together....
2006-09-29 08:33:27 · answer #3 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds a lil risky I understand. Do you two have a pretty open relationship other than that? If not, you may want to hold off having kids and reconsider the marriage. I believe u should have a comfortable and open communication with money and any other issues when u r in a relationship (marriage). I do wish you the best.
2006-09-29 08:47:22 · answer #4 · answered by ladida 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the two things that cause the most fights and breakups are sex and money. Why not just share the expenses down the middle. After each has put in their half, anything left belongs to the one who made the money. This way, if she wants to go out and blow three hundred bucks doing her hair, that her business...if he wants to go to th track and blow a few bucks, thats his...as long as bills get paid on time, who really cares.
2006-09-29 08:31:56 · answer #5 · answered by alanc_59 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
It would be uncommon to have seperate finances like this for such an extended period of time. The issue you should be concerned about and is a genuine one that you can bring to him...assuming you're a stay-at-home Mom....if he dies, you have NO credit history...NO idea how to pay the bills...NO idea how to manage the finances for HIS children.
If he is a man, that should get his attention.
Good luck.
2006-09-29 08:32:42 · answer #6 · answered by Robert 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
lol, yes it's normal these days, his lawyer probably told him to do it. He is not "co-mingling" funds, that way if you guys break up he will have an easier time being able to say what is his stuff and what isn't with an easier time fighting against the 'community property' bit your lawyer will try to play. also it will be easier for him to tuck away money that you will never know about.
2006-09-29 08:33:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
When you are married you are supposed to be open and share everything. It sounds as if he has something to hide in his finances.
2006-09-29 08:31:45 · answer #8 · answered by ♥dream_angel♥ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
not being willing to share finances with you is a sign of distrust. he doesn't trust you with his money. love and trust are like two sides of a coin, one can not exist without the other. do what you gotta do, and please, be happy.:)
2006-09-29 08:34:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No that's not normal. You need to know the details b/c any debts he incurs are yours too whether you knew about them or not.
2006-09-29 08:31:45 · answer #10 · answered by . 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋