for the six months my wife never emailed me, hardly talked on the phone with me when I called. I started spending time with a female on my base. we ended up getting to really know each other and I found that I am hopelessly in love with her. I'm almost to the point where I get a break and my wife all of a sudden starts making constant communication and is all excited I'm coming home... but I don't feel the same. I feel like I wanna start something with my new friend who hasn't stopped showing interest since we met. what should I do?
2006-09-29 08:07:58 · 22 answers · asked by T soldier 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She may have been to depressed to talk to you. On the other hand, she may have been doing the dirty with another and he broke up w/ her!
I saw a movie last week w/ Sandra Bullock and Ben Aflack, He was to be married and was stranded with another woman (Sandra) and he fell in love with her! But, as soon as he got to his wedding and saw his wife to be... He fell in love with her all over again and married her. Sandra went back to own troubles.
Before you make a mistake that you can't take back... THINK LONG AND HARD! Don't be to hasty! You married that woman for a reason!
Besides, you might just think that you are in love with this other woman because you miss your wife so much.
Remember, this is a decision that YOU have to make and LIVE WITH!
#1 thing you NEED to do is PRAY about it!
God will help you make the decision that is best for you all!
May God Bless you and bring you home safely!
If you have any buddies over there looking for a 43 yr old s/w/f to be pen pals with, ( by snail mail) tell them to get in touch with me!
2006-09-29 08:29:13 · answer #1 · answered by Renee J 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First, keep in mind that you and your wife have been living with a situation that is not typical for most couples. It's been equally difficult for the two of you to be apart, and maybe for different reasons. Though she may not show it, she's probably been living in fear that you will not make it back home. People respond to things differently. Maybe it breaks her heart to talk to you; maybe she wants to tell you how much she misses you, but is trying to be strong. Maybe she's having a crappy time back home dealing with things without you, but doesn't want to burden you because it may seen inconsequential compared to what you're going through. It could be that she feels there are no words that could comfort you in your current situation.
Before you blow her off, consider this:
1. You made a commitment to each other when you married. At the very least, you need to tell her how you feel. The military has a number of resources for couples in your sitution and you should take advantage of them.
2. You are living an "extreme" life right now. I won't say that I can begin to understand what life in Iraq must be like for you. I would imagine, however, that human touch and companionship is craved like nothing else. DON'T CONFUSE THIS WITH LOVE. It's entirely possible that you won't feel the same once you return.
3. End the relationship with the other female immediately. Your new friend hasn't stopped showing interest in you because she's probably aching to have it like you are. AGAIN, THIS SHOULD NOT BE MISTAKEN FOR LOVE. Additionally, you've added a component to your life that will be another hurdle toward rebuilding your marriage.
4. Your wife may be attentive to you now because she's RELIEVED that you're coming home. It's like she's been holding her breath and can finally exhale and anticipate your return. She can be happy with the hope that you'll be reunited soon.
I would suggest that you reconsider your actions until you've talked to your wife and worked it out. I would encourage you to use the resources the military offers. If you plan on remaining in the military and staying married, the two of you need to talk about what happened and come up with a plan for dealing with it in the future. Really, really talk and listen to one another.
My heart goes out to the both of you. It's hell for you now, but you have to know that when it's all over, you are going home to your wife. You both have some hard work ahead of you. Don't do anything else to further complicate matters or create a situation that can't be undone.
2006-09-29 08:28:52 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My basic advice is just take your time and think through it a little before committing to any decisions. I think you should wait until you get home and see your wife again, in particular, before deciding to end anything.
I can't vouch for your wife's behavior. If she didn't e-mail you for six months and rarely called, well, that's not a great sign for the relationship. It's plausible she wasn't as committed to you as you had thought.
But you really need to talk to her at more length before you decide she was doing something wrong. The thing is, people deal with stress & separation differently.
There's always a possibility that her way of coping with her husband being in harm's way thousands of miles away (and she, not having ANY ability to control what happens to him) is to ignore or withdraw from the relationship -- this would make sense based on how enthusiastic she seems to be at your coming home.
Still, what she did was not good for you -- since you really needed the connection and her support, and she wasn't there when you needed her. She really let you down. So that would need to be dealt with and explored.
In addition, while you feel great about your new friend right now, what happened to you isn't rare -- you were both in a far-off place, under stress, and needed someone emotionally.
So, when you move back home and life becomes "normal," will that relationship hold up? Is it worth sacrificing your marriage for at this stage? You don't know if that relationship will persist back in the "real world" -- all you know is that, in this situation, you two feel close to each other.
I understand emotionally you don't feel anything towards your wife, at least not comparable to what you feel with this new woman. But making a decision right now is liable to end badly.
Although I'm sure you want to get things over with and feel sure of your decision right now, I really think it would be best to go home and see if your feelings change yet again, before making any permanent decisions.
Also, how long have you been married? How much have you invested in that relationship? Is your wife's mistake (if that's what it was) something she'll overcome as she learns how to be a better spouse? Explore what happened between you, for both of your sakes.
Glad you have remained safe and sound in Iraq and that you soon get to come home -- part of you must be thrilled at least at that much. Take care.
2006-09-29 08:21:11 · answer #3 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My husband is ex-army and we had a hard time when he was gone. He was worried because I had a male friend that he did not know. Nothing happened and I would always drop whatever I was doing when he got the chance to call. Sounds like she found someone else while you were gone. If you really feel that you are in love w/ this other woman, then get a divorce. Don't cheat or play games. I respect the fact that you are fighting for our country and you should respect yourself and your wife and your vows. You could try to work things out. But if you are both unhappy then you need to end it before you both get hurt worse.
2006-09-29 08:38:41 · answer #4 · answered by SHELLBELL 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should go home and seek counseling. You were away from your wife and with the other and naturally will start feeling further from your wife and closer to the other. When you get home, you should give your marriage a chance. Too many people these days are using that old line "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you with." Which becomes an excuse to cheat. You married her for a reason and you need to give her a chance or go to counseling. Your "new friend" may even be less supportive than your wife if you were away from her for 6 months.
2006-09-29 08:16:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
whats the reason you married your wife?? you should never ever forget the love you shared. Your wife was probably pretty distraught that your fighting in a war thats loosing... most people that have family out in the war really just want the soldiers to come home. but really how do you know how your wife is feeling, maybe you called at a really really bad time, or she's really worried about you... honestly when you go home, try to make amends with your wife and tell her how you feel, if she feels the same way go for the other girl. But don't forget about your loved ones at home that are worried for your life and dream nightmares about you almost daily.
2006-09-29 08:13:56 · answer #6 · answered by ♥ღαмαиdα♥ღ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Im pretty sure its more to the story than that. I mean this is your wife you are talking about not some girlfriend of yours back home. Why do you military men do this you go off leave home and find some female on your base thats missing home just like you and you two play "house" while your away then when you come back your gonna want your wife back. Watch how your little fling you have now goes haywire when you come back to the states. How do you know how your wife is feeling? Like I said it has to be more to the story than that other than she just cut you off.Unless your just telling yourself it is your wifes fault to make your self feel better about the situation
2006-09-29 08:20:51 · answer #7 · answered by MizModelMaterial 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Maybe wife finds it hard to communicate when you are away because it brings up bad feelings like missing you, scared for your life, wondering if you will come home alive. You should try to work things out with the wife, if you are still unhappy then try things with the co-worker. You have been away from wife for a long time, you probably forget those little things that made you fall in love with her. You don't deserve out of your marriage until you try all things to reconcile it. If those don't work, then you can get a divorce.
2006-09-29 08:13:28 · answer #8 · answered by hello 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you should deal with the issues going on over there in iraq.....When you come home find out if thats how you truely feel. You might see your wife and change your mind about the way you are thinking right now. The women you are with now...is just there with you and you both need someone to feel close to. See what happens when you come home and then go from there. Dont do anything stupid until you know for sure.
2006-09-29 08:12:45 · answer #9 · answered by michelle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue to try and work it out with your wife...Your wife made a mistake by being distant...but with you being in a dangerous environment it took a toll on your relationship for a short period...Go home and test out the waters
How would you feel if your wife had a friend while you were in Iraq?
If your marriage starts to deteriorate and you are divorced then you can see your friend that you are "madly" in love with.
PLEASE don't act differently towards your wife if she doesn't met your expectations....the grass may not be greener on the other side
PLUS you married her for some reason....remember that...
2006-09-29 08:15:06 · answer #10 · answered by fatiegurl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋