How do I get over this................?

Question

My ex. boyfriend (from 10 years ago) jumped in front of a train last week,He was my first true love, I went to his funeral on wednesday, I thought I would be able to let go and to say goodbye but I can't. I'm happily married now but you never forget your first true love do you??
I can't get him out of my head. Why did he do it?? Why didn't he call me??( he lived opposite my mum so we kept in touch)
I'm so down I just can't get my head around it.
I'm looking for some positive advise on how I can deal with my greif. Please help. xx

Answer 1

I'm so sorry you're going through this! It's hard to lose someone you care about, and maybe harder to suddenly lose him for reasons you will probably never understand.

Please understand that losing someone you love isn't something you get over, not really. What you do is you come, in time, to put it in context, like one paragraph in a novel. A week isn't much time at all, so of course you're still feeling confused and sad. In time, you'll think of him and remember the good times, but it's still too raw. Give yourself permission to feel the way you do - it's hard, and unpleasant, but it's part of the process and there's no right or wrong way to do it, or any timetable that says you have to process this by a certain date.

After a suicide, everyone wonders "Why?" and "What could I have done?" In the end, though, you couldn't make his choices for him, and you didn't make this choice for him. You may never really understand why he did it. Part of the process may be finding a way to forgive him for what he did, for leaving you, and with so many questions that will remain unanswered.

It's okay to feel whatever you feel. If you're mad at him, which happens, that's natural. If you're missing him, also natural. You'll probably feel a whole raft of conflicting emotions for a while yet.

I've found it helpful to do something to honor the good in the relationship I had with the person who's gone. Taking pizzas to a school for homeless kids, helping out at a pet shelter, anything you think your friend would have approved of. Do some of the good in the world that your friend won't be around to do, in honor of what was good about your experience of him.

In time, if you have trouble processing this, there are grief support groups in most communities that can be helpful.

These feelings don't last forever. In time, the good memories will return and won't be so painful. The pain does ebb in time. Remember that you aren't responsible for what he did, that what you're going through is natural, give yourself permission to feel the way you feel, and find some way to begin to turn this to something positive by finding some way to honor what was positive in your relationship. Good luck!

Answer 2

So sorry to hear about your first love and your lose. I have somewhat of a similar situation. My first (TRUE) love and I were separated by the Vietnam war, when I finally found her again she had married and had children. I married and lived my life, but always having thoughts about what could have been. A few years ago her parents were killed in a car wreck, I went to the funeral mainly just to see her and visit. She had changed and become a very bitter woman, she had changed so much in physical appearance and mental attitude, that I realized how lucky I am for the family I have and the wife who adores me.
My point, you can not live in the past, look at what you have and feel blessed, because if things had worked out different you could now be a widow.

Answer 3

It's not so much because he was your first love, but because you had stayed friends, so you have lost a good friend. There maybe is an element of you feeling guilty that you didn't notice something was wrong, but you can't be responsible for someone else, especially as you weren't married to him.

This is just going to be a matter of time. You are in shock, and you may experience various other emotions as you go through the healing process. You will probably never forget him - at least you can know that he was loved dearly, even though he made the mistake of choosing to end his life in this way. He will never be forgotten.

Answer 4

this is a good question i have helped people with my advice but for this one is tough cause you are constantly remembering of the first true love and also the question Why? there are many reasons for him to do such act he could have felt depressed they maybe told him something shocking that he couldn't think straight maybe he was drugged or drunk could have a been a murder or he gave up in life, if you went on with life then this is something that will be hard to leave and that it can maybe affect your new relation and forgetting someone like this is hard but its not necessary to completely forget him but if you don't it could be that hes waiting for you to let go or that your holding him in this world now this is obviously a supernatural idea but sometimes you have to think this in every way this could need some more detail all i can say is for you to stop feeling down its hard but hes gone don't remember the bad things or trouble your mind with why? remember the good things and that now your living a better life people come and go and even the ones so close to us the best we can do is accept what has happen and live on be happy don't torment yourself with negative toughts after all death is the most natural thing that happens so please don't hurt yourself one day you will know why i hope i helped take care

Answer 5

There's really nothing anyone can say when things like this happen. You can ask yourself questions until you think your head is going to explode. One day at a time is the best thing now. You will never forget this but time will make it more bareable and then one day you will find that you wake up and some other thought wil enter your head. You may feel guilty but that's the way time is. Don't worry it's normal.l

Answer 6

I know what you mean.. I have been there too... I am now married but two years ago my ex died in a car accident!! I was not able to attend to his funeral, as I was unaware that he died. My mum found out and told me like 6 months after. I still miss him a lot!! He meant a lot in my life... Yes, I love my husband but you can't erase the good memories from that other person that at some point meant a lot in your life.

Is hard but keep his memories in your heart!! That is a nice place to keep them and bring them back whenever you want to remember!! Being melancholic is not a bad thing!! I love it!!

The only way to pass this bad time is through grief! You can't blank from your life his memories. Just remember him always!! as the good times!!

I still think about this guy... My problem is that we broke up in a really bad way (he went to jail) and sometimes I wish I could talk
to him and find out a few things .... but.. he is now gone!!

Be strong and let you heart grief is completely normal!! He will always live in your heart and your memories!!

Love

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Answer 7

I think you may be feeling guilt, even though you have nothing to feel guilty about. Those left behind due to suicide often feel guilty that they have let the person down, but you havn't.

Its a terrible thing for someone to do, and the chances are you wouldnt have been able to do anything anyway. He obviously meant to do this, as it was a sure thing, the way he took his life.

The important thing for you is to acknowledge how you feel, I would advise counciling, as it is something quite horrific to come to terms with, you dont have to tell anyone, and you dont have to go through your doctor either, if you look through the yellow pages, you should find some sort of counciling that would be suitable.

Be gentle with yourself, and take care.

Answer 8

Sorry about that. You should visit his grave and just sit and think about all the good times bad times and all the stuff you both shared. There is no easy answer to this but cry when you have to cry don't bottle it up. Some good always comes out of something bad maybe not straight away but in time it will.Mind yourself and get out and live as best as you can. Life is very short don't waste it. I've lost a lot of good beautiful people and i think that they help me along the way when I need them. hope this helps even just a small bit. Take care.

Answer 9

Well that's a horrible thing that happened, and it can take along time to get over. Just remember that you have a loving husband and your ex probally had some bad life experiences that had nothing to do with you. Try and remember him in a good way, focus on all the positive times that you shared with him.I am sorry for your loss!!!

Answer 10

I feel very sorry for you, But I think that the person is going to leave unless someone thinks about him, talks about him, shares with the others. If it really was your true love do not forget about him. You do not have to talk about him with your husband, though. Just keep him in your mind.
Here is an example: Titanic. She remembered him till the very end and she did what she promised.

Good luck,
Svetlana