I have a 20yr old daughter who has been "seeing" the same guy for 2 years and he is a total loser. He is 20, has no job, no license, he cheats on her all the time and lies to her and she calls me crying all the time. Once again, she has gotten back together with him and it kills me to see such a waste! My daughter is beautiful, intelligent, and works 2 jobs , she can do so much better! I am afraid to keep bad mouthing her b/f, I don't want to lose her! How can I get through to her that he is a loser and not worth her time and tears? Can anyone share any words of wisdom?
2006-09-29 06:51:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Since she has been with him so long, she has gotten used to being with him. The longer she is with him, the harder it is going to be for her to leave. She just needs to be strong and end it and not look back. If he comes asking for her back, she just needs to tell him to kiss off. She will need to do this and realize this. Try doing things with her away from her b/f and make her realize that she can do things without him.
Also, her self-esteem needs to be raised. She should get involved in some type of activity that will give her better self-esteem and raise her confidence. If this guy truly is a looser, then she should realize this and leave him. I know how hard it is to break up with someone that you’ve been seeing for multiple years, but the sooner, the better. She is missing out on a lot of life if this guy is a looser. But she should get away from him now, before she digs herself into a deeper hole with him. It’s a lot easier to break up with someone if you are only dating them. If she was trying to get a divorce or if they had kids together it would be much harder. Try to get her to believe in her self and make her believe that she is a strong person, and that the world isn’t going to end if she leaves him for good, and that she would indeed be much better off.
2006-09-29 07:40:52 · answer #1 · answered by AmsterF 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same situation, but I'm the 20 year old daughter! lol. I've been with my man 4 3 years. He works and pays his bills but we have problems besides that and often I go to my mother (who says the same thing you do) and she used to give me advice but lately she has stopped.
She says her advice goes in one ear and out the other. I'm making my bed and I'm gonna have to lay in it.
When my mom told me that I started looking in my life in 10 years with him. I want something ut of life and more importantly I want to give my children more than I had growing up and a father for my children who will always be there and be a good father to my daughter and role model for my son.
When I thought about my life like that I made my own choice to be independent and live the life i want to live. I
There is a chance your daughter may be blinded and let love lead her anyway. But the good thing is she is 20 and eventually she will wake-up and get her stuff together, even if it is 5 years from now, but se will.
Also I don't know if she is in school or not. But if she isn't I would push her to go. Just a H S Diploma doesn't qualify her for a job that would ensure her financial comfortably and security. Even just an Associates degree is a start.
2006-09-29 07:14:12 · answer #2 · answered by lamikashi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you could try a different tactic. Stop trying to "show her that he is a loser." Instead, try to show her that the guy is not making her happy. Maybe he's a great guy, with great qualities (invisible to you OK, but just accept on faith...) but point out to her that she calls you crying all the time. That she's not happy with him and you want to see her happy. He could also be the most wonderful guy in the world, but it your daughter is crying a lot then he's WRONG FOR HER. Emphasize how much you care about her. Good luck. Oh, and you could also try asking her... next time she calls you in tears maybe you can say, honey, I am so sorry to see you feeling so hurt. What can I do to cheer you up? What can I do to keep this from happening again? Maybe she'll ask herself those questions.
2006-09-29 06:56:19 · answer #3 · answered by pamgissa 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mother would be better equipped to answer this question, but I'll give it a go. I myself dated a horrible guy that I was totally in love with. I have no idea what I was thinking when I look back on it, but at the time - I loved him even though I knew he was a sorry excuse for a human being. I put up with all of the things your daughter is putting up with.
My mother never said a bad word about him. She never said a good word about him either. She would listen to me cry and just tell me that she loved me and she supported me. My brother never hid his intense dislike of the guy, but mom was mute.
When I finally came to my senses and realized what a joke our relationship was, I ended it. It took me 2 years to have this epiphany.
When I broke it off with him, my mother cried when I told her. NOT because she was sad, but because she said it had hurt her so much to see me with him, knowing that he was a terrible choice. I asked her why she had never said a word in all of that time and her answer was:
If I had told you how much I disliked him, you never would have come to holidays and family dinners knowing the whole family wanted him to drop off the face of the earth. As much as you loved him, it also would've caused huge tension between us as you'd have felt like you had to choose. Also, you're a stubborn woman, and you may have stayed with him just to prove me wrong.
Lastly, she trusted my judgement and knew that when I was strong enough, I would see the light and make the right decision.
She told me that it's not a mother's place to tell me how to live my life, it's her job to let me live it and make mistakes - but always be in the background loving me and supporting me.
At least it my situation, I think she made the right call.
Maybe try to change tactics and stop berating him to her. Trust me, anything you can say to her about him - she's already well aware of. She knows he's a "loser", she's just not ready to make the break yet. If she's as intelligent and put together as you say, she'll come around. In the mean time, just listen and be there for her, but don't badmouth him.
hope this helps !!
2006-09-29 07:23:49 · answer #4 · answered by earthlove32 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Catching him in the act in her presence might help.
I have a cousin that is about as bright as a box of rocks, she married to a scum sucking sociopath. He's been in prison on drug charges, and now is out on parole. He's got several offspring with other women, if her dad had been alive over the last few year this guy would likely be wearing an asshat. Users use people who are dependent.
Your daughter is under some strange assumption she can't find someone better. She needs to see a counselor.
It's unlikely you can get her to do anything, she has to want to do it.
2006-09-29 07:01:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, your advice probably falls on deaf ears and may possibly push her away. People sometimes have to learn the hard way. However, she needs you now more than ever. Just be supportive. Let her know how this makes you feel and make her see the effect all of this is having on her life. Try to leave him out of the equation as much as possible. Help to build her self esteem and show her she doesn't need this man ...or any man to survive.
Most women stay in these kinds of detrimental relationships, not because of love, but because of a low self-esteem. Prove that she has worth, and she will make him leave.
2006-09-29 07:01:06 · answer #6 · answered by ammecalo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to get through to her. She knows he's a loser and everything else, but she chooses to ignore it. Stop bad mouthing him. It don't help. Stop looking at him. He's not the issue. It's your daughter. Your daughter is your priority. In time, she will deal with him. Sometimes daughters feel bad about themselves or get discouraged in life so they settle for a big mess. But if you show you love, respect and support her as a person (no matter what decisions she make) it will help her deal with those hard parts in her life. Loving her don't mean you accept her decisions, because they are hers to make, but it means you accept her as a human being. As a mother I had to learn to let my daughter know that I loved her and looked forward to great things in her life. It was hard getting there and looking beyond her mistakes, but it was the most rewarding thing I've ever done with her. She was out there bad with drugs and stuff. But she always knew she could call me and we could talk. I stopped judging her and it changed the atmosphere between us. I also stopped trying to fix it for her, which is impossible! Now, she's off drugs and on the right track. Keep loving and ask God to help you through the rough spots.
2006-09-29 07:05:54 · answer #7 · answered by meillee44 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Start getting her out there a bit. Tell her you want to spend some Mother daughter time, and go out to lunch, dinner, shopping, etc. Go places where there will be men. Let her get some looks or such. Sometimes it will just take time for her to figure it out on her own, but the more you harp on him, the worse it will get. Just be there for her, listen, and offer no advice unless she asks. Sometimes they just have to keep saying it to someone, they will hear themselves and realize "what am i doing?". If you tell her though she will think you just don't like him. She'll have to be in control of the decision. Time! But discreet little urges don't hurt....try the Mother Daughter day out/night out.
2006-09-29 07:01:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't do anything to change her mind. She will probably get tired of it eventually. The more you bad mouth him the more attracted she will be to him. Just tell her you can't listen to her crying about her BF any more.That its her decision to be with him so she should either work it out or move on and quit calling you with the painful information. Its hard but its what you need to do. Tell her you love her and the things you wrote on here and tell her you can't watch it anymore. Her decision is hers alone. She is a grown women. Its tough being a caring mother. Good Luck
2006-09-29 06:58:20 · answer #9 · answered by smile4u 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't. She is an adult and will do what she chooses.
When I was 17, I was with a loser. I was with him for two years, partly because my mom couldn't stand him. I was so busy defending him to her, that I never stepped back to see that she was right. It wasn't until I moved away from her that I was able to see him for what he really was and dump him for good.
Step back and trust her to make her own choices. Even if they seem to be mistakes, they are her mistakes to make. Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is knowing when to let go.
2006-09-29 07:30:17 · answer #10 · answered by gatheringplace2002 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋