My mother or my baby??....help please?

Question

I am 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I have had a bad fall out with my mother after she made some unsensitive comments about the ultra sound baby photos. ( she had had a few drinks) I did not speak to her for a week. Now it has turned into a huge row digging up things from the past. My blood pressure has gone up and I ended up getting checked out in hospital yesterday. I am terrified the stress will effect the baby. She is demanding an apology from me for ignoring her and not 'respecting her' but I am worried about getting more stressed and also feel that her comments sparked this. (She can be very irrational and hard to talk to). I find it hard to sleep because of the stress. Help! Mothers!

Answer 1

Some people, and especially parents, are just going to be irrational. There is nothing you can do about that. What you can do is try to keep the peace, regardless of whether you have anything to apologize about it. (Ask any husband, they tend to know all about these things.) Try to keep everything in context. Your mother is a bit of a loon. If she needs you to apologize to turn back in to a semi-normal person, just do it. Think of it as acting practice. And try to remember to not take anything she says seriously. If it is too stressful for you to talk to her right now, you could try writing her a letter. Tell her that you are sorry that your relationship has declined to this point, that you really want to be friends with her, and would really like her advice about raising children, as she has more experience than you. Try to appeal to her own self image. If she thinks of herself as a great mother, cook, whatever, play on that. I know it can be hard, I have a very similar mother, and the hormones of pregnancy make everything emotional.

You can do this!

Answer 2

Your first priority has to be the health and well-being of both you and the baby. After all, you aren't responsible for your mother, no matter how much she might like you to believe that - "you made me feel this way!". But you are entirely, 100% responsible for the new life in your tummy.

Irrational mothers happen, and no matter how reasonable you are with them, they will sometimes still be irrational. It sounds like in your case, your mother's drinking doesn't help! Also, how dare she make anything less than glowing comments about the ultrasound photos?

I recommend you get some therapy - not because anything is wrong with you, but because being at odds with your mother at a time when you're so vulnerable is very, very difficult. It may take a new set of tools and ideas to deal with this. And unfortunately, friends and family don't always have those tools to loan you. They may instead criticize you for being at odds with her. You don't deserve or need that.

As for demanding an apology from you, it sounds like she's rather domineering in addition to being insensitive. If you can, steer clear of her for awhile. At this point, apologies are a moot point and unimportant compared to your stress level. Everything except taking care of your and the baby's health needs to drop off the face of the planet for awhile.

Also, it sounds like the sooner you get some emotional and maybe physical distance from her the better - if she's pulling guilt trips on you now, just wait until the baby is born! You definitely don't need her telling you how to raise your child, and I can pretty much predict that that will be the next problem to arise.

Good luck!

Answer 3

First and foremost, its you and your baby's health that is obviously at risk. Calm down, realize the situation and do what it takes to fix the situation. Sounds like your mom and you need to both do some growing up and act like adults. Not talking to her for a week and refusing an apology is childish, and so is her drinking to the point of being irrational and digging up the past. Even if she doesn't apologize to you, you need to tell her sorry about the way this all has blown up and you just want to clear the air. Don't bring the situation back up, just state your apology and let the past be the past. If you mom is cool after that---great! If she's not and still egging it on, then you need to let it roll off your back and step away a little bit. Don't ignore her, but don't necessarily go out of your way to involve her either. She'll come around, but the stress will have very bad effects on you and your baby so you need to find peace in yourself with an apology (needed or not) and start letting it go. Good luck to you!

Answer 4

You're kidding, right? You sound like you are 12!
Your baby comes first. Why would we have to tell you that?
Your mother is grown, you are grown-hopefully, so maybe you can be the bigger person, and call her up and apologize for being disrespectful.
Maybe she will apologize and maybe not, but YOU probably said things you shouldn't have. Fix your half.
If you are living with her, you are going to have to make up. If not, just ignore her. She will get over it as soon as that baby is born.
She should be being extra nice to you, since you are sensitive and hormonal right now.
If she IS nice, hang around with her.
If she isn't, tell her you don't need the stress right now, and you'll call her after the baby is born. MEAN it!
Call your doctor and find out if there is anything you can take for stress or depression or not sleeping while you are pregnant.
You need lots of rest now, since you are not going to get any after the baby is born.
If your mother is unreasonable and hard to talk to and ugly when she drinks, you might consider whether she is going to be a problem around your child. She can do a lot of damage, making fun of you or saying hurtful things to you around your baby, so he doesn't know who to listen to.
I had an irrational, catty, and drinking step-mother who got all gushy and concerned after my baby was born. She held him one time, and that was it. He never spent time with her alone, because I felt she was a bad influence on him.
Protect your child. Start with you and move on to your mom and others.
Read some books about dealing with idiots in your life.
Good luck!

Answer 5

I think all mothers are doomed to drive their daughters crazy during their pregnancies. You can apologize to your mother, but you should receive an apology from her for the things she said. Also, make it clear that you don't appreciate being around her when she has been drinking. You can be a happy family and still take breaks, like when she has had a few drinks or when your blood pressure is up. Tell her your health and the baby's is at stake, but that you want to work this out with her. You'll sleep better at night if you apologize to her, and if she will apologize as well, that would help even more.

Answer 6

I would be cordial to her but you do not need to listen to the coments she makes. It is up to you if you want the comments to affect you. When she says something negative let it go in one ear and out the other. I speak from experience I also have an irrational mother ( she once said what a shame it was that my daughter looks like my husband) they say these things out of jealousy. You are only giving her what she wants when you get mad at her. She wants to play the marter and have everyone feel bad for her for what an awful daughter she has. Do not give her the power! TAke it back and move on just ignore her when she has something negative to say! It has saved me many sleepless nights by following this advice

Answer 7

Dont get stressed out! Whatever you feel that baby feels. Dont let your BP go up cuz it can really hurt the baby in the long run. Dont bother with your mother if she makes you stressed. You have to worry about your health now and DEFINETELY your babys health. You need your rest too. Being pregnant suppossed to be a happy, relaxing, and enjoyable experience.Try to enjoy it ... its a wonderful time.

Answer 8

The health of you and your baby should come first. There is no question about it. You can let her know that if she desires to be a part of this babies life and yours, she needs to make some changes, start being a Mother, and be a little more supportive. Her demands mean absolutely nothing right now!

Answer 9

if any thing she owes you an apology don't worry about it you can make it with out her my mother is so consumed in her self and her habits i would rather her not be around my baby at all unless she is sober and then is she really her true self . it is hard sometimes i wish she was here when i need her but i think in the end it is better for me and my baby to keep our distance until she stops being so selfish

Answer 10

i went through kinda the same thing with my father when i got pregnant but i was stubborn and waited for him to come to me and apologize believe me i felt worse knowing that i couldnt talk to my dad anymore cause we were once so close. the best thing to do is approach your mom and try to resolve things becuase in the long run its just not good for you or baby to be so stressed.
if she has such a problem with you that is something shell just have to get over becuase right now its not about you or your mom its the health of that baby