is she really my friend?

Question

she argues with her mum all the time so i let her stay at my house, but my flat mate doest get on with her, but understands the problem with her parents so doesnt mind her staying. however my 'friend' goes out of her way to upset my flat mate, she doesnt tidy up after herself and is constantly borrowing money, she lets her bf stay in my bed with her, i have spoken to her the day before yesterday and she promised she would make more effort on all counts and it last til yesterday.
i dont mind her being around, but she doesnt seem to want to make any effort regarding keeping the peace with my flat mate or the tidy up after herself or making her money last, she has arguments with her mum and her bf and brings all the trouble to my door, the neighbours have complained about her arguing almost every night, and she knows this, but still makes any effort.
what would you do in my situation?
do you think she really values my friendship or do you think she is taking advantage?

Answer 1

People take advantage of the ones they love most, and the ones who they know love them most, because they can. its human nature.

you need to be firmer and more authoritive when you lay daown the rules to your friend, this is your home and you're doing her the favour. But at the same time reassure her that you love her and will be there for her, try and get her to talk about her thoughts and feelings, she may need you at this time in her life.

Above all though, and im only saying this because i dont have intimate knowledge of the situation, dont let yourself be taken advantage of.

Answer 2

It looks like she is using you. If you really want to test the friendship, you and your flat mate get together and write down some rules your friend has to follow for her to continue to stay there. Both of you sit down with her and read the rules to her. Set a time limit on her staying with you. Ask her if she will comply.

It might be helpful to do this at a restaurant or other neutral place.Not in the flat. That way everybody can stay out of heavy emotions.

Explain to her what the consequences on not complying are. I.E. Having to move out.

Don't make any threats you are not willing to enforce.

During the conversation, if your friend tries to manipulate you or get you off the subject, keep saying you all need to work this out and that anything other than the rules is a separate issue that can be dealt with later.

If she agrees to comply, give her a week, then review the "contract". And enforce.

Ultimately, you and your flat mate need to decide how much you can take. You will need to decide if this is really a friend.

Also, if this is a minor, you are risking legal problems by putting her up. You should let her parents know.

If this is an adult, set a limit on how long she can stay there.

Answer 3

I'm not surprised she argues with her Mum all the time if this is the way she behaves. She needs to grow up and start behaving like a considerate adult.
If you are renting your flat, you could well get kicked out if the neighbours report you, and it will be you, as you are the tenant. Either that or your flatmate will leave, as this is so unfair on her, and 'friend' could well take advantage and move in permantely, and where will you be then?
Do not involve yourself with her problems anymore. Either she starts to respect her Mum's house or she finds a place of her own. She clearly is one selfish madam, and nobodys friend.

Answer 4

she sounds young, immature and in need of help. She also sounds spoilt. Unless you set down ground rules and rosters for everyone taking turns to do dishes (you on Mon/Wed/sat) and your flat mate other days and she on other days...and also rules for boyfriends and noise after 11 pm (a strong NO NO) i dont think she'll quite know the boundaries because she sounds as i said spoilt, and these people (sadly) have had bad parenting...and what seems OBVIOUS to well-bred people who know how to be independent etc she needs lessons which at this stage, if you feel you still got some left in you to give, then give it to her as your last resort. This will take time and requires patience on your part. It could cost you your flat mate in the process, can you afford this? Yup unfortunately we only TRULY get to know people when we live with them, husbands/wives/friends or otherwise...

Answer 5

No matter how much we acre for someone, the fact that you care won't make her a better person, if she is not making any real effort to change then toughen up give her the boot.
You'd be doing her a favour in the long run, right now stetting rules and not enforcing it gives her the impression that you are a blow hard, life is not fair if you don't let her know that her behaviour won't get her far and continue to intentional support her, you will support her to ruin.

Answer 6

I think its a bit of both she obviously thinks of you as a good friend otherwise she wouldn't trust you with her problems. But if after loads of talks with her she is still not making an effort or pulling her weight and is just causing more trouble then i think she is taking advantage a bit. Try talking to her again and explaining if she doesn't buck her ideas up she can no longer crash at your. Make her see that you know shes got problems and you want to help her but you just feel shes taking advantage.
If she stays at yours that often has she not thought of just getting her own place, maybe suggest it!!!!

Answer 7

She does not get it. The only way is for her to go home and start looking for her own flat with or without her boyfriend. She has no respect for you or your home. As far as your friendship is concerned it would be better served if she left and you continue being friends just socially. Your flate mate is being disrespected. Cruel to be kind. Be a true friend and get her OUT. TIME FOR HER TO GROW UP AND FAST.

Answer 8

she is taking advantage of you and your flat mate. she probably got away with everything when she lived at home and she thinks she can do the same in your place. just tell her out straight you want her to leave she is not worth having as a friend you are too soft get tough and tell her to go and find somewhere to live

Answer 9

You sound like a very decent person, and by just reading about your situation, even I know you deserve better. Try confronting your 'friend' about these problems one more time, stating exactly what you are annoyed about and what she can do to resolve it. If any improvements are made, even the slightest, then you will know if she has listened to concerns. If no improvements at all are made, she obviously doesn't appreciate you and your flatmates hospitality.
Hope this helps!

Answer 10

I'm sorry to say she is just taking advantage of you. Think about it this way, if you really needed her for something (needed her to "return the favor") would she be there? If your answer is anything but "without a doubt, yes" then she is using you and you need to get away from her before she brings you down.