2006-09-29 04:01:58 · 7 answers · asked by cali_gal716 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
Whats the difference between a woman in church and one in the bath ?,
One has hope in her soul, and the other has soap in her....
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Did you hear about the fire in the circus ?,
It was in-tents.
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Q: How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't
find her pencil
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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What's green, slimy, and smells like pork?
kermit's finger.
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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
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A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck, the bartender says, "I hope you're not planning on starting anything in here!"
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Liar:
-----
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling
people you're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
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Three Feelings:
---------------
What's the difference between stress,
tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Chinese Adam & Eve:
-------------------
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still
be in paradise because they
would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!
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Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone,the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me 12 drinks."
So the bartender pours him 12 shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy, you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says,"75 cents."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... So does she.
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A man goes to his family doctor and says "I've got a big
problem, you'll see when i show you, only you've got to
promise not to laugh".
The doctor replies, "Of course I won 't laugh. That would be
thoroughly unprofessional. In over 15 years
of being the doctor, I 've never laughed at a patient.
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniestpenis he has
ever seen in his life.Despite his best efforts, he begins
laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Some minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes
the tears from his eyes.
"I am so sorry," he says to his patient, "I don 't know what
came over me, I won 't let it happen again. Now what seems to
be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor with very sad eyes; "IT'S
BLOODY SWOLLEN !!!".
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A guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her, he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.
After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way, he won't have to see her and won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.
He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it.
He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.
He kicks her in the face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOPE THIS HELPS
2006-10-01 05:39:25 · answer #1 · answered by Spaghetti MY 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A fellow was sitting at the bar in a little pub just outside New Orleans late one afternoon when another man came in and sat down beside him. The new comer ordered a drink, turn to the first guy and asked if he lived in the city. "Yes," he said, "nearly all my life." The second man said, "Well, I've been transferred here and will be move my family in and I'm a little worried about all the crime I've read and heard about, especially the shootings and day light robberies," "Don't believe everything you hear," said the first guy, "my family and I live in a safe enough neighborhood and have never had a minutes trouble." "Thanks, that's very reassuring. " the new man replied, "By the way, what do you do for a living?" "Oh," said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a Dr Pepper delivery truck."
2006-09-29 04:25:23 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I'm a blonde and I know a couple of good blonde jokes. Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory? Yeah she started throwing out all the W's. How can you tell that a blonde has been on your computer monitor? By the white out on the screen. What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes and interrupter.
2006-09-29 04:07:14 · answer #3 · answered by Marenight 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Found this in my email this morning and it gave me a chuckle.
A man walking in the woods spied another man hugging a tree, with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
2006-09-29 04:24:41 · answer #4 · answered by rockerchick82 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a guy became leaving a convenience shop along with his morning coffee whilst he > observed a maximum unique funeral procession drawing near the close by > cemetery. > > an prolonged black hearse became observed via a 2d long black hearse approximately > 50 ft in the back of the 1st one. in the back of the 2d hearse became a solitary > guy in a depressing tournament strolling a pit bull on a leash. in the back of him, a quick > distance lower back, have been approximately 2 hundred men strolling single record. The bystander > became curious so he respectfully approached the guy strolling the dogs and > reported, "i'm so sorry on your loss, and that i understand now could be a bad time to > disturb you, yet I easily have in no way considered a funeral like this. Whose funeral > is it?" > "My spouse's." > "What got here approximately to her?" > the guy responded, "My dogs attacked and killed her." > He inquired extra, "nicely, who's in the 2d hearse?" > the guy responded, "My significant other's mom. She became attempting to help my spouse > whilst the dogs became on her." > A poignant and considerate 2d of silence handed between the two men. > > "am i able to borrow the dogs?" > > "Get in line." > > >
2016-10-18 04:48:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Q: How many stormtroopers does it take to change a glowpanel?
A: Two, one to change it and the other to shoot him and take credit for it.
2006-09-29 04:07:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my husband and i might get a divorce over religious differences ...HE THINKS He's GOD AND I DISAGREE
2006-09-29 04:05:50 · answer #7 · answered by Don't get me started 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋