will he ever come around?

Question

My husband wasnt to thirlled about our little slip up surprise, and it's been about 4 weeks since we found out. He hasn't said much, other then get the insurance tooken care of, and get your vitamins.
We have had some discussions, and I truley think he is more upset, thinking I wanted this, and to trap him. Hey, what the h ell is going on in his mind? Trap,? , we are married! we have 3 children already. we have a mortgage together, and a life time commitment.
Anyhow......
He really hasn't said much else.
I am kinda disappointed. But on the other hand, he has brought me home ice cream two nights in a row. Could this be a sign of him coming around?
(he was awesome w/all our other pregnancies, and excited!)

Just wanted to add that he has an excellant income and is not concerned about financial being. And I do work from home, about 6 hours a week. And bring in a steady income, (more then a apart time/ft mimnuamal wage job)
I have been doing my work, about 5 years now, and have had two children inbetween that.
My husband even yesterday, with a work frutration , said you really dont need to do that, if you dont want too, just quit, I dont care. So income isnt a factor, thank God.
And I did forget to add, we were planning on more children,. but wanted to wait about 5 or 10 more years. And have a little gap inbetween. (for personal reasons)

Answer 1

None of us on here can answer that for you, nor do we know what sort of home you have with him (1 or 2 person income). No matter, you know him best. Send the kids to Granny's, make a quiet dinner for him and then talk about YOUR fears, don't put pressure on him but ask him how he feels about this pregnancy and DON"T get upset if he says something negative or that could cause the talking to end.

Let him know you love him and that you will do whatever you can to help out. Also let him know that this has been a big surprise to you too. I am not saying this to butter him up because you cannot tell me you wouldn't want to know the same thing from him.

Discuss getting a tubal or a vasectomy and make some plans now. Depending on the state there might be a time frame in which you need to set up your tubal to take place after birth of this baby. My daughter was told it was 30 days here in Texas ( her doc told her that) so by waiting until a week before her baby was born she was unable to have it during the same hospital visit.

Some answers on here are great but many of the others bite the big one. Just do what you know is right for you both as a couple... and don't listen to those on here saying he might have another woman, or other dumb crap they don't know you and should keep negative junk to them selves.

Answer 2

*******UPDATE: Well, thanks for the additional details. That puts an all together different spin on things. If you all are planning on more children in the future anyway, and income is not an issue, then I would really be worried about why he has expressed the feeling of "BEING TRAPPED."

What is it that he is wanting in life that he can't have now owing to this particular pregnancy? You need to ask him that and he needs to answer it. If he used the word "trapped" carelessly, which is a possibility, then you need to let it go.

But if he has some desire that can't be fulfilled owing to this pregnancy, he needs to express it and discuss it so you both can come to terms with it. If there is something he is keeping bottled up, it could turn into bitterness and or resentment and rear its ugly head later, even much later in your relationship.

The whole "trapped" feeling needs to be discussed and resolved.

Other than that, it all sounds like normal husband processing of pregnancy.


*****Original Post: It sounds like he is just scared. It is a huge calling to provide for your family and he might just be a bit tired right now and the idea of starting over again is making him "Think" a lot, hence the quietness. Be quiet with him and let him think. Don't hound him at all. It sounds like he is trying (Icecream).

Besides, when he sees those little fingers and toes and the first time that little one smiles at him and or reaches for him... those are EMPOWERING things. It sounds like your husband just needs time to process everything. Give him time to do that.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:

If his concern (Worry/Fear) is finances, now and in the future, then perhaps you can begin taking some on-line clases that will enable you to;

1. Start a little day care service (Since you obviously love kids)
2. A medical transcription business (You can type when the kids are asleep
3. A consulting business (Preparing moms for birth and delivery)
4. A decorating business (Designing and setting up Nursery's) You could book appointments around your husband's schedule so the kids are always with a parent.
5. You could become a children's book writer and write at home, testing your stories out on your own kids.
6. You could start a little "home-school" business and teach your own kids along with a few others.

Think outside the box and show your husband that YOU TOO are concerned about finances and that you want to be creative and contribute not only with homemaking and child rearing, but financially as well. There are things you can do to generate additional income.

Answer 3

I doubt he's mad. Ive learned from experience that this is the reaction of fear in men. It comes out as them trying to distance themselves, close up, and seem angry.

He's probably very concerned about his financial ability. This sets him that much farther back from retirement. You are and will be that much older having and raising a child. Can he provide for and house four children and a wife, will you ever be able to help him financially, will you be safe, will the baby be healthy.

The thinks about and considers a lot more than you'd imagine. i dont think its a 'coming around' so much as accepting and coming to terms.

Iam sure on some level to him it is disapointing, it was un planned and he had no real decision in the matter. But he obviously loves children or you wouldnt already have three together.

Talk with him, help him express the fears and concerns he has (he's bottled up probably out of fear of upsetting you, or seeming like he doesnt want the baby) and work through them together.

no child is born without a reason. Everyone knows that. He does too. He's seen his children and knows the severity of their lives and the loss without them. He does appreciate this new addition, Iam certain he's simply overwhelmed and scared.

Answer 4

It sounds to me like he is scared or nervous. He could be wondering "we have 3 kids right now, can we afford another one? Will my wife and I ever have alone time again?" My husband was the same way with our second baby. He is still nervous every now and then, but he is better (the baby is now a year old) After a while of getting used to the idea of becoming a dad sunk in, again, he started warming up to the idea. It took him a coule months, but as soon as he saw the ultrasound picture, he turned around completely. Hopefully, your husband is the same way and just really nervous.

Good luck and congratulations.

Answer 5

You already have 3 kids? Maybe he is concerned about money and all that. Talk to him about it. Ask what is on his mind and reassure him that you guys are on the same page together. Then just give him time. He sounds like a decent guy, especially if he is bringing you ice cream. Good luck!

Answer 6

He deffinately should not feel traped...married with 3 already...no trapping there! Give him a little time. He will come around. He obviously cares and loves you vry much. Maybe he is just stressed and worried about what having another child will do to your finances. He could be stressing out about how he plans to support another addition to the family. He will come around in time.

Answer 7

I'm sure he will come around. 4 kids is lot to handle for anyone, especially if this one was not planned. I guess just give me a break until he gets more use to the fact. Once the baby comes, he will be trilled to death, just like he was with the other 3. Good luck!

Answer 8

well, it sounds like he loves you but does not want to deal with another little bastard screaming and crapping everywhere. If you already have 3 kids then maybe the third one was too much for him then. If he was excited with the other pregnancies then all that excitement was burnt out of him after doing it three times before.

this seems like a case of you wanting a baby and he doesnt. Im sure he will love it, but he has already been through 3 others that can be very tring to a man.

Not to say that it isnt tring for women too. He'll probably come round after the baby is born and he sees the kid

Answer 9

I'm sure he will come around. 4 kids is a big deal, and husbands get jealous of all the kids because they're taking away more and more of his attention. If he is still making sure you are taking your vitamins and buying you ice cream, then he will be fine with it. Give him his time to get over himself, and he'll come around soon enough. My husband wasnt thrilled about our 3rd, and it took 2 WHOLE MONTHS for him to deal with it, but he later explained that he thought we would finally have time for us, and felt like a baby would just ruin that. I have made sure to pay him more attention now though.

Answer 10

You and your husband had "the slip up" together and he is probably fighting internally with many emotions.

Have some alone time and speak with him and hash things out.

You both want more children, be sure this is what he wants also as he may be reconsidering that decision.