Give me some good funny quotes?

Question

Anything is fine.

Answer 1

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle"

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, whenthey wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Answer 2

Yogi Berra once told someone how to find his house.
He said, "When you come to the fork in the road, take it."

They didn't know that the fork in HIS road came back on itself so that no matter which side you chose, you would still go past his house.

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers.

Answer 3

Anything Goes

Answer 4

"Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits."
author unknown

"I have been asked to name the 10 greatest books ever written. I am sorry but I cannot accommodate that request as I have written only 5 thus far."
Oscar Wilde

Answer 5

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

Answer 6

"I'm strong at the finish, 'cause I eat my spinach."

(I'm Popeye the Sailor Man)

Answer 7

Women are nothing but trouble, men are nothing but trouble seekers

Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.

Answer 8

I wrote this more than a decade ago in high school...

I'm sick of being sick.

Answer 9

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

Answer 10

These are just the "A"'s - follow the link to find hundreds more:

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."
- Marcel Achard

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."
- Douglas Adams

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
- Douglas Adams

"Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus was the Empire forged."
- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams

"Practical politics consists in ignoring facts."
- Henry Adams

"If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."
- Scott Adams

"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

"As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line."
- Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert" on the ending of the strip "Calvin and Hobbes"

Dear Mr. Adams,
Where do all of your ideas come from? -Nathan
Dear Nothin,
Mr. Adams gets most of his ideas while in the shower. The bathroom door is closed when it happens, so there are two possible sources. Either the ideas are contained in the clean, chlorinated water that comes from the showerhead, or they emanate from the public sewer system and waft up through the drain. Judging from the quality of Mr. Adams' ideas, I think we can rule out the showerhead.
Sincerely, Dogbert
Scott Adams - Dilbert

"The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial."
- Arther Adamov - Russian-born French dramatist

"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured."
- Konrad Adenauer

"When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
- Franklyn Ajaye

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction."
- Noelie Alite

"Statistics have shown that mortality increases in the military during wartime."
- Alphonse Allais

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
- Fred Allen

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart."
- Fred Allen

"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."
- Fred Allen - Comedian

"Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent."
- Fred Allen

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."
- Fred Allen

"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it."
- Henry Allen

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"
- Woody Allen

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
- Woody Allen

"Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?"
- Woody Allen

"In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows."
- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall'

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Woody Allen

"Death is an acquired trait."
- Woody Allen

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank."
- Woody Allen

"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen

"The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light."
- Woody Allen

"I am two with nature."
- Woody Allen

"I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."
- Woody Allen

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
- Woody Allen

"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
- Woody Allen

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Woody Allen

"The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey."
- Woody Allen

"Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure.
- Eric Allman

"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network."
- Guy Almes

"Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in."
- Kimpley Amis - British novelist

"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing."
- Kingsley Amis

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
- Jeremy S. Anderson

"If nobody had bought this record it would have been one too many!"
- An angry reviewer on amazon.com, about an 80s album.

"When I appear in public people expect me to neigh, grind me teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy."
- Princess Anne - Only daughter of Elizabeth II

"I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe"
- Anonymous

"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it."
- Anonymous

"A behaviorist is someone who pulls habits out of rats."
- Anonymous

"Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years."
- Anonymous

"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it."
- Anonymous

"An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention."
- Anonymous

"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates..."
- Anonymous

"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."
- Anonymous

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
- Anonymous

"Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
- Anonymous

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
- Anonymous

"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."
- Anonymous

"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it."
- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989

"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."
- Anonymous

"Guide to understanding a net.addict's day:
Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet."
- Anonymous

"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous

"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation."
- Anonymous

"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases."
- Anonymous

"Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food."
- Anonymous

"Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?"
- Anonymous

"Schizophrenia beats being alone."
- Anonymous

"To avoid delay, please have all your symptoms ready."
- Anonymous - Notice in an English doctor's waiting room.

"TO HELL WITH YOU
OFFENSIVE LETTER FOLLOWS"
- Anonymous telegram to Sir Alec Douglas

"Nouns of multitude (e.g. a pair of shoes, a gaggle of geese, a pride of lions): a rash of dermatologists, a hive of allergists, a scrub of interns, a chest of phthisologists, an eyeful of ophthalmologists,; or a whiff of anesthesiologists, a stuff of bacteriologists, cast of orthopedic rheumatologists, a gargle of laryngologists."
- Anonymous - Journal of American Medical Association 1964.

"If I Promise to miss you ... Will you go away?"
- Anonymous

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves."
- Anonymous

"Don't tell my mother I'm in politics - she thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse."
- Anonymous

"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
- Anonymous

"I went to New Zealand but it was closed."
- Anonymous

"We've made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy."
- Anonymous

"The new definition of psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd."
- Anonymous

"Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it."
- Anonymous

"You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers."
- Anonymous

"The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
Four day work week,
Two ply toilet paper!"
- Anonymous

" I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay."
- Anonymous

"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are."
- Anonymous

"If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?"
- Anonymous

"Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest."
- Anonymous

"An internist is someone who knows everything and does nothing.
A surgeon is someone who does everything and knows notihng.
A psychiatrist is someone who knows nothing and does nothing.
A pathologist is someone who knows everything and does everything too late."
- Anonymous

"The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more."
- Anonymous

"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."
- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -f *" to get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system.

"We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization."
- Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

"My good intentions are completely lethal."
- Margaret Atwood

"Of course, Behaviourism "works". So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in six months will have him reciting the Athanasian creed in public."
- W.H. Auden

"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."
- St. Augustine of Hippo - Bishop of Hippo

"The Jews and Arabs should sit down and settle their differences like good Christians."
- Warren Austin - US Politician and diplomat