What is the psychology behind constant defensive behavior?

Question

I know a person who gets defensive all the time, no matter what I say or how nicely I try to re-word a sentence. Since defensiveness is completely unnecessary (because I don't mean to offend), I can't get to first base with this person. This person puts up an emotional wall and takes offense no matter what I say. I'm so frustrated. Don't tell me to avoid this person, because that's just not possible in my situation. Help me understand the psychology behind it.

Answer 1

He has been seriously hurt/stabbed in the back. Maybe even many times. He assumes everyone is going to do that to him. The best thing to do is try to make him laugh. If he get defensive make a joke and laugh a big beautiful laugh, one that is contagious. Once you get him to laugh, he will open up a bit more and relax a little more around you. Good luck!

Answer 2

The problem here is what we in psychology call "multifactorial causation" - people do things for varying, or multiple, reasons. For example, two people might have very different reasons for yelling at an employee. Mary might have done it simply because she had a bad day. However, Bob might have done it because (a) he was always yelled at as a kid, so that's the only way he knows how to treat people and (b) he was in a bad mood that day and (c) he saw people yelling on TV and that image stuck in his head.

So there's no simple answer to why someone might be constantly defensive and easily offended. People will say "S/he was traumatized!" or "S/he has always been betrayed!" but the truth is, sometimes people with good homes and no apparent traumas can exhibit upsetting behavior. All we could say for sure is that this person feels constantly attacked by you, and perhaps everyone.

We can also say that it must be damn frustrating!

Which also means there are no simple answers, but here are some things to try:

+ Sit the person down and have a talk. Emphasize that you want to have a good relationship with this person, and that you feel you're constantly putting your foot in your mouth. Make a lot of "I" statements ("I feel like I'm being offensive") and avoid "you" ("You always seem offended") - even if it isn't your fault, it'll make the situation less confrontational.

That's when you can ask if this person feels the same way, why s/he thinks it happens so often, and if there are any solutions that can be worked out. You can also emphasize here that you never meant offense, and list a few positive traits about this person.

You can also try to make a game plan of what to do when a perceived offense takes place so that you can both get past it - for example, before rushing to conclusions, s/he can ask you to clarify. Then you can continue clarifying, until it is determined that (a) it's just a misunderstanding or (b) there's an actual conflict of opinion to be dealt with, in which case you can emphasize that you aren't evaluating or judging him/her as a person on the basis of this one little thing.

+ Try asking this person humble questions about how to do a task. Don't be fake or obvious; if you can't pull this off in a sincere fashion then don't try it. Try to also make self-effacing statements. For example, "I'm so clueless when it comes to the photocopier...Do you have any idea how to _____? Oh, thanks, you just saved my skin." or "Hey, I'm really confused...I don't think I'm very good at this...do you have any ideas, by chance?" Hopefully this will lower the level of threat.

+ See if this person has better relations with any other people, and if there are any noticeable differences between you and these people, or any gentle behaviours they do you could imitate.

Basically, this person feels threatened - you can either talk to this person and try to work out the threat, or make yourself threatening, or (best of all!) both.

Anyway, I hope this helps a little. There's not much else to go on if you don't know about this person's background (which maybe you could try finding out, and sympathizing with?).

Good luck...

Answer 3

Now I'm not going to say that I know, cause in reality there can be a zillion reasons why this person is the way they are, but it comes down to two reasons.
1) Its a matter of trust and conditioning. Defense mechanisms are learned over a lifetime and often tend to reflect a persons personal experiences. They are a way of protecting ourselves from all the little nasty things that come along in our day to day life. They are perfectly normal and natural. The problem come in when we overuse or misuse them in situations that truly do not need them. I wish I could give you a quick answer to how to correct this, but unfortunately only when realize there is a problem can we hope to correct it.
2) They just don't like you. It happens. Sometimes for good reasons sometimes for not so good reasons! None the less there is nothing you can do about that. Just keep being yourself. Acceptance works both ways and sometimes we just have to accept that not everyone is going to like us, no matter how hard we try.
Be kind, firm but flexible with your beliefs and realize that you cannot change the way someone acts towards you, you can however control how you react to them.

Answer 4

Why do people assume information NOT in the question?
You a boy or girl is your person in question B or G?
The person may be lying to you. The person my really dislike you. Are the two of you in school? Too many possible things, Like religion or family rules. maybe gay or Lez.
Only way to find out is be honest and ask and explain your intentions.
Back in my grammar school days,I was infatuated by an East Indian girl. When I tried to flirt, she got in my face and said "my dad will kill your a white boy!"
Nothing to understand until you know the facts. talk.

Answer 5

I have this same problem myself. I do believe these people have been hurt on a deeper level then most but they cannot get past it.. I dont know if its a poor me syndrome or no one can understand me syndrom but its something like that. They develop this was around them and its impossible to get through...
I also think it has to do with Ignorance on their part. I think they feel they know everything, including what we are saying and thinking that they dont have to hear us... On my end i do believe this person suffers from a disorder.. It has always been there ssince birth and it is becoming ever so present with age.. My problem person also did and probably still does drugs so its about impossible to get a word in or a conversation with some understanding..
Good Luck.
I hope your journey is better and easier than mine..
I do understand....

Answer 6

Lack of wisdom. The constant desire to receive for the self alone creates a bottomless pit, a black hole that eventually leaves us in darkness. The dark side of our nature tells us that we are doing others a favour when we share. Our ego makes us oblivious to the fact that we receive when we give to others.

We can greedily and selfishly grab for all the life offers, or we can appreciate what we receive and share a portion of it with others. Receiving for the sake of sharing creates a constant flow of good fortune in our lives. Sounds to me this is more like a power struggle than a healthy exchange of energy.

Answer 7

Defense mechanisms protect the ego, so that the self does not get hurt. Like all of us, this person has probably been hurt deeply and has put a wall around him in order to preserve his self.

Answer 8

in my view i do in comparison to bowlers leaping to the sky and shouting to the hell as quickly as they get a wicket. that is proper to all somewhat to Bhajji and Yuvraj Singh. Their mannerism mirror as they have conquered Everest. even though it is so inexpensive in behaviour and spoiling the morale of the sport. Bhajji has long gone a protracted way in this and making use of foul language to a somewhat unknown participant is purely too lots. that is extremely condemnable.

Answer 9

Why dont you just ask them whats up maybe you just aren't listening to what they are telling you. Maybe you are coming at them from a "I know more than you position" Try to reverse the conversation and let them talk and you just listen.

Answer 10

he is scared and insecure. he might have some bad experiences in the past or he just knows better than to trust just about anybody who befriends him. leave him alone for a while. let him get used to the idea that youre not an enemy.