I will always be caught in the trap of guilt if I don't stop enableing him. I loved him and my love for him was not helping him grow not then not now and the only way to move past the past is to be cold and seem as if I don't care. He needs help and on he can help himself. It is and always will affect my present relationship if I continue to help him. But IT HURTS. I WISH HIS LIFE WAS BETTER. HOW CAN I COMUNICATE TO HIM. PLEASE ORIGIONAL ANSWERS ARE NEEDED...SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND NOT WHAT YOU CAN ASSUME I HAVE ALREADY TRIED
2006-09-27 07:37:59 · 15 answers · asked by givemeprivacy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You don't hate him and they will always be a place for you in your heart. But now you are independent from each other and you both have to learn to cope separetely.
This is an addiction to the drama and teh good part of you reaching out to help him. But is not your responsability anymore. You have to break free on this emotional tangle to move forward, Yes, you said it your self and you know that you must do it.
In my experience, everytime my exhunband used to call me for advice or just to tal about his work and problems, I would listen, for the sake of freindsgip. But this would bring me down and spoil whatever I was doing. it was like the blast from the past and I could not longer pretend what happen in between us that lead us to divorce wasn't there. He would put me in a bad mood and sometimes I wonder if he forgot what he did to me.. now can we be friends? NO. I complain to my friends that everytime that he called, he would depress me, and the answer was: let him know.
So I did, I told him that I was in a new relationship and so was he and that I could no longer provide the emotional support that he needed from me. I told him that my new relationship deserved my undivided atention and that his new wife should be able to cope with his problems and listen to what happend during his day at work. I told him that I would not indulge him in conversation unless it was straictly about our son and that that was it.
He never did that again and I feel much better without the drama and the emotional drag. I don.t regret it . You won;t either.
Good luck
2006-09-27 07:48:12 · answer #1 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1
2016-05-05 15:42:57 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't understand your situation. You are being very vague. I would need more detail to give you an in-depth answer. But based on what you have said I am wondering why you divorced him if you still love him and don't hate him. And if you feel like you have to help him you will never be able to move on with your life. You might as well have just stayed married. You have a choice. You can continue to try and help him and just accept that as part of the life you have created for yourself or you can cut him loose completely trusting that he is an adult and can take care of himself once you stop being his mother. Who knows? Maybe once he realizes nobody is going to help him he will decide to help himself. He may become a better person for it.
2006-09-27 08:00:40 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you had a major choice to make drugs were involved and it's not that u stopped loveing him it's just that u didn't like what he did..........for a while you accedpted it because u thought u could change him and when u couldn't you knew that u were his enabler...so once u stop supporting him he thinks u hate him.....well the best thing that u can do for him is suggest a little professional help because he can't do it alone and if not can't nobody get tired for him but him. u can still love him but at a distant don't turn your back completely just try to do everything at a distant and pray for him and with him even when he don;t want to in the long run he'll be grateful......believe me it might get a little worse before it gets better. mojajazmo@yahoo.com (experienced enabler)
2006-09-27 08:36:29 · answer #4 · answered by mojajazmo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That really is a hard situation.
Let me think...
My dad always taught tough love.
Has he dealt with tough love all his life?
I don't know if you have tried this or not, One of my friends did this:
Look through all you contacts, and find a lady who is like you. Obviously he really loves you. You know him best, so try your best, but find some lovely lady that he will get a long with and ejoy her company. Maybe your current boyfriend knows some one, and in that case it might help both situations, If you let you current relationship help you find your ex a new love, than it will put his mind at ease.
This also might help. If you do find a nice lady, go on a double date. So your Ex knows, It is over with you, but his life can move on, and you will always love him.
I hope it helps, I'm sorry for your dilema.
Blessed Be
2006-09-27 07:47:44 · answer #5 · answered by danksprite420 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When one adult tries to carry another one, they both fall down. You know that or you wouldn't have moved away from him.
If you know you enabled him, then you know that you aren't the one who is going to help him get better. He has to make that decision for himself.
Consider telling him that you want to be in his life (because you obviously do) but that you can't help him until he makes a decision to help himself. Make the evidence something concrete (seeing a therapist, going to rehab, whatever addresses the problem he has) that you believe will help him.
Then, and here is the answer none of us wants to here, let him go. You aren't doing him any favors and you are only hurting yourself.
The pain will be awful. I know. I had to do it with my own mother.
It might be really helpful for you to go to Al-Anon or CODA.
2006-09-27 07:56:23 · answer #6 · answered by Buffy Summers 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think distance is the best thing for the both of you. If you have children it is harder of course. It took me a year to be able to have a normal friendship with my ex. You are not responsible for his happiness. Althougth you may feel like you owe him something. You don't you deserve to be happy too. You can be distant without being mean. Good luck.
2006-09-27 07:45:17 · answer #7 · answered by cutencurley_05 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he is not your husband anymore . . . get over the guilt trip and move on with your life . . . even if it takes you moving away . . . do what you have to do . . . you didn't leave the relationship to have it follow you around . . . I can understand wanting better for him, but he has to want it for himself . . take care of yourself and soon he will get the picture . . .
2006-09-27 07:44:58 · answer #8 · answered by ♥LoisLane♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Getting Back With Ur Ex : http://tinyurl.com/F72sPReqVh
2015-09-28 15:41:51 · answer #9 · answered by Alene 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What actions do you do that enable him?
You may need to go into counseling to resolve these issues
2006-09-27 07:40:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋