Pregnant in a blended family (Persons for blended families only). Part 2?

Question

Dan believes that he should talk to his ex only, but I am not sure that this is a good idea. On the other hand I want him to deal with the problem we are having, and that is when is it the right time to tell his son, ex, and family about the baby. My other concern is getting to know his son. Dan believes that every thing will fall into place once the baby is born, and it doesn't work this way. I believe that we should start enteracting as a family before the child is born. If his son is having a hard time now I believe it is only going to get worse, before it gets better. And, I don't think it is fair to his child to spring the new baby on him since he has expressed concerns about his mom's up coming marriage. The problem is Dan doesn't want to listen, and I know longer know what to do.

Dan and I communicate on a regular basis. What I see as the problem is that Dan and his family are afraid of his ex-wife. The ex-wife called Dan's mother to make sure she approved of the relationship, because she didn't think that it was appropriate for a white male to be slumming (dating outside of his race). The reason why his son and I do not have a relationship is because his ex-wife doesn't want her son around those type of people. She is afraid that he will lean too much ebonics, and she doesn't want her son talking this way. Dan's fears that if he rocks the boat too much his ex will not allow him to see his son, therefore, he does as he is asked (meaning what his ex-wife wants him to do). Dan's family doesn't feel that he should do anything to upset his ex. To me this is insane, not understanding where there fear is coming from. I have been more than patient, before it wasn't so urgent, with the new baby coming something has to give.

Answer 1

Unfortunately its the Eternal Male cowardice hiding behind the Devil may care attitude. Hope things work out for you. You will have to sit and talk to him or offer to do the needful yourself. This may motivate him.

All the best from a much older male,

Regards
Robin

Answer 2

I agree with you. Present a united family front. Start spending family time with his son NOW. It is a lot of pressure to put on a baby to have everything fall into place. Have the son involved as much as possible with the baby. Ask his opinion when appropriate, like what colour to paint baby's room. Reassure him that he has his special place and the baby won't change that. Let him have his own space at your home as well, that won't change with the baby. I'd also put him in counselling. As for the ex-wife, that is up to your hubby to tell her. Have him tell her ASAP so she too can help the son adjust. Reassure Dad that this is in the son's best interest as well as the family's. Good Luck!!

Answer 3

You are absolutly right. You need to let everyone know about the baby before it comes, especially the son. He's more thanlikely going to feel replaced. Get the son involved in shopping for the baby, let him pick out a few things and get a "big brother" frame for him to put his picture in and put it by the crib so he feels like he's part of the family. Since he's part of two homes then make him feel like he's really involved in yours and that his baby sister/brother can't wait to see him again.

Answer 4

Hey Boo,
You are absolutely right about that...you should start spending more time with his son since the mother is getting married.He may feel totally left out by everyone.You are making a very wise choice. May God bless you ,the baby and bringing your family together!

Answer 5

Iam not from a blended family, but as a nanny for many years I have been in the midst of many.

Your Dan needs to understand the importance of communication. This is how his first marriage probably failed. People not talking with all those involved.

Youre going to have to tell Dan that you will do what is right for the sake of his son, and the one you're carrying. if that means talking on your own with his ex wife, then so be it.

All of you are adults in this situation. No one likes to move on from the past, but it has to happen. His ex is going to have to accept the fact that you are the new woman, and you're also the new mother of Dan's children in that home. That includes his first son, if you have visitation rights. You're going to need his ex's support of this situation in order for the son to acclimate well.

You should also discuss with her the concern Dans son has voiced about the upcoming wedding. So both of you can be on his side about it, and help him through it.

Broken homes are not natural, its hard to provide a child with a secure environment in them. Dans son is now part of your life, and requires your parenting skills as much as the one you're carrying. Both you and the ex wife should band together as much as your prides will allow, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILD.

Dan's family also has a right to know whats going on, and they should also be in on all these events. Your child and Dans first son will be sharing grandparents, that environment needs to be friendly and open and understanding of both children. The only way to provide that for them is by having open communication. If you're the only one communicating, then so be it.

You and Dan, and Dan's children cannot survive without taking measures to interact and plot a course. THAT REQUIRES DISCUSSION. Dan fears confrontation, and would rather let everything else sort itself out.

This is a red flag my lady. It tells you where Dan's weaknesses are in his long term relationships. These are his flaws that you need to address and work with him on, or your own relationship CANNOT last.

he needs to realize and to accept that by him not address issues, and by him just expecting things to sort themselves out he sets himself up for failure. He has already done it in one marriage. I dont care if she ran off with another man, events and miscommunications drive people to those actions.

Its not the end of the world, and its not something to get angry over on your part, or his, but it is an issue that must atleast be aknowledged by him. If you can start there, you have something.

Sit down without fighting and express your concerns and fears to him, without blaming him for things.

Men like to fix the problem. They often dont know that there is, or what is, the problem.

"Dan, I am afraid that our relationship will end like your first because we cannot communicate. Iam afraid that our child will have a broken life because of it. Iam afraid that i will be alone without you because of your lack of interest in our family's needs. i dont know what to do about it, iam very afraid."

Let him tackle that issue.

"iam afraid that your son will not accept me, or his new sibling if we cannot provide him with a means for understanding it. Iam afraid that your exwife will become bitter over my pregnancy and take it out on your son, not allowing him to enjoy his new sibling."

Let him deal with that one.

"Iam scared that your family will not treat my child the same as they treat her child. I want our children to be a family, and to have the support they need from your whole family. Iam scared that we cannot provide them with that. How do we fix that?"

And leave it at that. not yelling, not blaming. Usually laying in bed just before falling asleep, or during a commercial break, or in a card in his car at work, these times are nice because theyre not stressful demanding times. Dan is at rest and quiet and can deal with infromation at his own rate.

Honesty, communication, fighting to the death for the sake of the children. These are the things that marriages and relationships are made of.