That Place
I long for that place that beauty that space
I yearn for the fresh air, greenery, and grace
A mountain top retreat away from the pain
With my love and baby and of course a little rain
The mist in the morning; the cool mountain breeze
The tall rugged peaks; the wind in the trees
Calm and content in a world so blue
A world that’s better now that I’m with you
The lake in the distance with reflections of splendor
An eccentric town where at least the second brownie is tender
From that front porch; oh what a view
Like no other I’ve seen except of course you
A drive to the peak where the continent divides
Where summer snow is found on the mountain’s side
A stroll though Aspen; a “yero” with Little Annie
A beautiful view in each nook and cranny
Yes I long for this place with its beauty and space
I yearn for its fresh air, greenery and grace
I’m desperate for its calmness; its splendor; its view
But mostly I dream of being there with you
2006-09-27 03:15:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
It is well-written, projects great visual imagery, and romantic..Whoever it is meant for is a lucky person...nice job.
2006-09-27 03:48:04 · answer #1 · answered by MUMNY 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have an idea in there but it seems a little hammered into shape (maybe to fit into the rhyme scheme?) and doesn't come out as particularly natural. Avoid cliche too (phrases like 'nook and cranny' and 'fresh air') - they're nothing more than stumbling blocks for the eye. Words like dream, yearn, calm, and beauty are a bit overdone in poetry. You obviously love words and have a decent vocabulary - why not play around with it a bit? And you don't have to give everything away - have a look at metaphor, mix up your diction a little and your poems will be full of interesting little semantic twists and turns. But the fact that you're open to criticism means that you're already leagues ahead of most other poets out there. So keep going!
2006-09-27 03:48:20 · answer #2 · answered by Leo B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its to rhymey. The pattern is too predictable, you could easily change it up alittle bit and make it ten times better, the words are good though.
2006-09-27 03:22:36 · answer #3 · answered by dimadee91 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Kinda reminds me of a John Denver song..but that's all good..a bit too long though. Good effort!
2006-09-27 03:28:48 · answer #4 · answered by kathy o 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is pathetic.Should show some happiness.
But you should keep on writing .Congratulations for your efforts on writing poems
2006-09-27 03:21:16 · answer #5 · answered by xeibeg 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I really enjoy it!
2006-09-27 03:22:57 · answer #6 · answered by wondergirl137 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i love it, thats all i can say
2006-09-27 03:20:43 · answer #7 · answered by louise 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋