My boyfriend and I have been together 4 yrs. I'm 35 and he's 36.....we have NEVER had sex.....not even once. No, he's not gay....but he does smoke pot every single day. I have asked him about the no sex.....he swears up and down that until we have total financial stability he does not want to take a chance of me getting pregnant....when I bring up birth control he comes back with it's not 100%. But, I feel if he really believed that he'd be a 36 yr. old virgin and he indeed is not.......he's not affectionate what so ever....he says never has been never will be...he claims it will all come together when I am done with school (nursing) and we have the stability. I've told him I feel rejected, unattractive, unwanted and untouchable......he says if I love him I'll wait....otherwise do what I have to do.......I'm so confused and I feel like less of a woman......and I know he's not cheating because he never leaves the house. Is this medical? I need help....answers....something.
2006-09-27 01:58:32 · 30 answers · asked by jenznrn09 1 in Health ➔ Men's Health
There could be so many reasons on his part as to WHY he doesn't want to have sex. Perhaps he was sexually abused as a child or something... I don't know. But as, for YOU and your image of yourself, even though it's hard, I hope you don't let ANYONE else make you feel unattractive or small. People treat you the way they do because of who THEY are, not because of who you are. This is his thing, so put it back on him. Meanwhile, realize you ARE worthy of the total package when it comes to love.
2006-09-27 02:02:49 · answer #1 · answered by curious 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, something is going on. Are you really sure he's not gay? He might be gay and not aware of it himself. The drug-smoking tells me he likes to escape from reality, especially at his age - we're not talking experimentation, anymore. At 36, his libido should still be healthy. Men twice his age often still have interest in sex.
Of course, the marijuana smoking could also be the cause of the problem. Daily marijuana smoking (especially after several years) usually makes people detached, and interested in little that is not drug-related. It seems you have a drug addict on your hand (and yes, you can be addicted to marijuana, no matter what he, and other users, tell you - hence the daily use). Marijuana-smoking may not bring about physical reactions when quiting, such as the shakes, and so on, but the psychological addiction is very real. People who have been smoking daily simply can't picture what they'd be doing with their day if they weren't smoking.
As for the 'don't want to get you preagnant part', that sounds like just an excuse. 1) There is such things as contraceptives 2) There are other ways adults can please each other. 3) If he can afford a daily marijuana habit, he can afford to support his child.
Lasly, you say very little about yourself, except that this makes you feel rejected and 'less of a woman'. Why do you tolerate it? If he's not affectionate towards you at all, it doesn't seem like you even have a boyfriend, more like a stoner living with you as a room-mate. Are you afraid of being alone? What does he do for you? If you think about it, you're really actually single and living with a man who is more or less a stranger to you (I doubt communication is any good). You'd probably be better off without him. At least your options would be open.
Do you support him financially? If so, would you feel guilty letting him go on his own? And why would you? What does he provide for you? Are you more secure with him?
Anyway, these are some of the things you might want to consider. I have never met you, but I'm sure you don't deserve to be treated this way. My guess is you're afraid to move on for some reason. But that's got nothing to do with him. Look inside yourself and ask yourself why.
Best of luck to you.
2006-09-27 09:13:39 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he's a pot head your not likely to attain financial stability. But he is being practical and responsible in not wanting to father children until he is able to support them - it's a shame more men don't think that way.
He may be straight up with his answers, or he may be asexual - not interested in sex with anyone. Yes, men and women can be asexual, and have successful relationships - but not if the other partner is very sexual in nature.
If he is really not interested at all, then you have a problem - and at this point, since you've offered birth control as an option, I'd say that is the most likely.
2006-09-27 10:01:24 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know, this is the exact opposite problem that most women complain about. Most say all their boyfriends want is sex. If he isnt ready why are you trying to push him? If he doesnt want to why wont you accept this? You are like the men who cant take no for an answer. Why not save yourself for marriage. If not sleeping with someone is that hard, then maybe you have a problem. Further more, if having sex is the only way you can feel pretty you must have an std of some kind and maybe he just doenst want to catch it. If none of these seem like the right answer, than talk to him. If he refuses to even talk about it, then he may have a problem hes not ready to share with you. Give him time.
2006-09-27 09:06:06 · answer #4 · answered by Jess 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He may be afraid of not being able to do it. Smoking POT does have an effect on your mind just like alcohol does. He may be afraid of losing control. It may be a result of his past relationships. Never leaves the house and doesn't want to have sex. He may have a medical problem. Abnormally low testosterone levels will cause mental and physical things like this. Ask him to get a check up that includes blood testing.
2006-09-27 09:07:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This guy sounds really weird, and if he's not a virgin its not because he's scared to do it. I am in a similar situation to you, my partner and I have sex,but not very often. The reason is because he is a heroin user and it reduces there sex drive so basically don't have one. He could live without it, if I didn't nag him. I don't want you to think you boyfriend is a heroin user, but is it really pot he is smoking. I'm not sure whether pot reduces your sex drive, I don't think so, but don't hold me to that. I can understand how frustrating it must be for you. You start thinking allsorts of things. I would explain to him that it is not acceptable for you to go without sex, it's a natural thing between two people who love each other. Good Luck
2006-09-27 09:08:52 · answer #6 · answered by linzi h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No offence, but this sounds like he's playing you for a fool...
It does come off as an elaborate "sweet talking" scenario, one in which he can easily weasel himself out of at the first chance he'll get.
The fact he does not even feel any sexual tension by being around you and not having an active sex life is a sign that he is uninterested in sex and intimacy. I strongly doubt things will change once "HIS" demands are met. This also sounds like emotional blackmail, on the passive side.
I find it hard to believe you would stay with a man that does not even try to satisfy your sexual needs. Just on this point alone, one could interpret his "inaction" as a form of sexual selfishness.
Smoking pot also reduces the sex drive. It is possible (and this is far-fetched) that he was hurt in the past on an intimate level, found solace ("sanctuary") in smoking weed every day, and now feels totally comfortable being numb all day, without the "pressure" of having a sex drive.
No offence, but if I were you, I wouldn't stay with him. You sound like a super terrific woman, and if I wasn't married I would try to seduce you (no fooling!) but you deserve a man who will want you, not just sexually, but passionatly and intimatly. You need to find a man that will be able to satisfy your needs, not just give excuses.
In any case, his profile sounds like he's had sexual abuse or trauma in his past, and staying on drugs and off of intimacy is his way to cope with the ordeals of everyday life, and his fear of sexual intimacy with others.
Good Luck!
2006-09-27 12:32:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There could be a lot of reasons for his lack of interest in sex. Physical, emotional, etc. And him smoking pot every night does not help. But to me, it just sounds like a lot of excuses from him.
You have asked him, talked with him & told him how you felt & he hasn't taken your feelings into consideration. You have done everything you can. If being with someone doesnt' make you feel good, it is time to consider moving on. There are deeper issues going on here than just no sex.
2006-09-27 09:11:05 · answer #8 · answered by jordan_30241 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read half of what you said and thats all I needed to read. Why in the hell have you been with him 4 yrs then? This doesnt make sense at all. At that age even, something is very suspicious here. Something is definately wrong. Im still blown away that you have waisted 4 yrs with him.
Birth control is very effective and he knows it. Id be packing my bags, youre waisting your life staying with him. Thats just so abnormal for a man, UNLESS he IS gay.
I am just confused why youd stay 4 yrs. wow.
2006-09-27 11:09:51 · answer #9 · answered by ~~ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is awful, I can see if he were affectionate, but you don't even get that, when a man doesn't want you you begin telling yourself terrible things, I would just say goodbye to him, you deserve more in life, it's not that bad to be by yourself until the right man comes along, don't settle for this one.I don't think you mentioned children, if you do want them, you can't wait around for this guy..It's almost an abusive relationship when you think about it..Get out while you can. Good Luck
2006-09-27 09:10:25 · answer #10 · answered by susan p 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋