My husband and I separated for a while and then got back together. While we were apart he met someone whom he CONTINUED SHAGGING after we got back together. Now he says he's completely finished with her but they are still friends. I say either she goes or I do. He reckons I'm being silly because they are really just friends now. (Should I mention that this chick has sworn to me that she will 'have him back'...) I can't help thinking they're still sneaking around behind my back. Am I being neurotic, is it okay for them to be friends? HELP!
2006-09-26 22:09:45 · 31 answers · asked by zweebob 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
PS: we've been married 13 years and have 2 kids.
2006-09-26 22:18:06 · update #1
If it bothers you that much, and he really wants to be with you again, he ought to understand and stop talking to her. Even though it isn't the fairest or most understanding thing to do, you can't help the way you feel about it, and he should be sensitive to your feelings and needs.
2006-09-26 22:14:16 · answer #1 · answered by Alli 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh no, I've been there and done that. he even admitted to me that it must look as though he was 'feathering two nests' I worked out that he was hedging his bets incase it didn't work out between us and that didn't make me feel very happy.
And then she started calling me, saying she was 'sorry' and that she would 'come down and see me' and I realised she was trying all ways to get him back. In the end it really wasn't ever going to work and he's history now. You have to decide if it's worth the effort. It's complicated by the fact they've been physically involved and however much 'in the past' it might be you still have it to deal with.
I know there are children,, but believe me, they'll be happier if mum's happy, so whatever decision you make, and you do have a lot of talking to do, make sure you make choices that are best for you as well as them. And remember, if you forgive him this, without setting some sort of groundrules, the chances are he'll feel he can do it again and again.
2006-09-26 22:55:30 · answer #2 · answered by Eden* 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course it's NOT OKAY for them to be friends!! I think your husband doesn't deserves you!! Now, let's play clever. Hang on to the situation patiencely. You know your husband very well arent you. Make him happy, then try to get over this pain u r having. And it's up to you to give him a chance or not. But, open your mind and heart for the world outside. Slowly remove him from your heart and mind. Then , when u are ready , you should leave him and never comeback. It's always "You don't know what you've got till it's gone". you'll be the one you have the last smile. And, at that time, you can do what you wanna do. I really hate to see this things happening. Man juz don't have brains and feelings sometimes.
2006-09-26 22:21:01 · answer #3 · answered by Happy_hours 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are 200% in the right and Id give him this ultimatium - sorry now like but if he thinks that they can be "just friends" after what they did hes disillusioned!
As for her - she sounds like a right witch.
Id tell him straight out that he never contacts her again or you're going and Id also add on the fact that you'll be watching him to make sure he doesnt get any notions of sneaking around your back.
If he slips up even once, Id be outa there so fast if I were you .
2006-09-26 22:27:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a person worst nightmare. I am sorry to hear this. I would say go a meet another man because your special bond of marriage is broken but i can not because there are children involved and these guys always end up being hurt the most. Remember this is your life and you have to make your own choices, just protect the children from it. xxxx
2006-09-26 22:40:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She has to go or he does! He must think all his birthdays have come at once, he wants the girls to fight over him, its just an ego trip for him, tell him you are here for him but she has to go completely and you want to be there when he says it to her, no compromise, its this way or nothing.
If he only wants to be with you and thinks thats the only way, he will do anything to keep you. If not then he isn't really rooting for you he just wants to be the center of attention.
Sounds a bit of a git really and the fact that he was still sleeping with her while with you is a bit obvious, you already know what to do, what would you tell someone else to do?... Get rid of him and get someone who deserves you!
2006-09-26 22:16:48 · answer #6 · answered by michelle a 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm surprised you're even giving him an ultimatum. Once a cheat, always a cheat but if you want to forgive and forget it's your decision. However, you are well within your rights to demand he discontinue any kind of relationship with this woman. The only problem is that he won't necessarily listen to you...
If you don't have any kids then just leave him and find someone who respects you.
2006-09-26 22:16:07 · answer #7 · answered by yes darling 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are totally in the right. If your husband truly loves you he will make the choice and drop this other woman. He needs (and should) understand how difficult it is for you to hear that he is hanging out with her. I say tell him how you feel and that you don't think you can stay if he is not willing to sacrifice something for you. (Its the least he should do after hooking up with this girl still after you two got back together.)
2006-09-27 01:22:08 · answer #8 · answered by CJ B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd say no way. If he had a female friend who he hadn't shagged then fine. But, he can not expect you to stay with him AND have contact with this other woman anymore. He has to realise he's made the mistake and he has to pay for it - not you. You don't have to accept this woman as part of your joint life. Tell him he can't have his cake and eat it too. It's you or her full stop. Not easy but you don't need that crap if you really want it to work with him.
2006-09-26 22:14:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you're not being neurotic! it's just as you said - you or her - it's up to him. As a woman, you have an 'instinct' for these things and you must trust that, not her! He must win back your trust and by continuing to see this woman, even on a platonic basis, is just not good enough. Tell him to ditch the b*tch - you're his WIFE and if he wants your relationship to continue, there must be complete trust.
2006-09-26 22:14:36 · answer #10 · answered by Roxy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋