how would you react on this statement?:?

Question

"i've loved her first but you're the one i married because i love you more than her" this is what my husband answered me when i confronted him about his ex which he called to have a closure. i get offended with it. please, need opinions...

Answer 1

Really, I don't see the problem with what he SAID, but I might be a little irritated at the whole "calling to have closure" thing. I know I had been in love before I got married, and so had my husband. We just happened to love each other more than we'd loved the people from the past...and so we married each other... there's nothing wrong with that. Be thankful he's being honest with you, and that he does love you more than her, because if you act all crazy and jealous, he's gonna rethink that. What I'm wondering about is why he's calling her for "closure" after he's already married to someone else...

Answer 2

It's not the most diplomatic way of putting it by starting with "I loved her first..." but I can see where he's comming from. I had much the same row for much the same reason with my wife a couple of months back, although the ex in question and her (current) boyfriend are now good friends to both of us.

Now obviously I don't know the specifics of your relationship with your husband or his with his ex, but if he is going out of his way to remind you that he loves her more then you really do have nothing to fear from the situation. It would be far far more sinister if he saw her or called her WITHOUT telling you, although if you act up every time her name is mentioned and he and the ex want to see each other as friends - chances are he may start doing just that.

So be understanding - if he says it is "to get closure" then chances are the two of them have unfinished business, probably to do with apologising to each other for whatever ended their relationship, and this is unfinished business that you will not understand because you were not there. It is possible that the two of them actually want a friendship (although whether that is possible will rather depdend on whether or not they were friends before they were lovers) and the best way you can deal with that is to let them. If you don't you will start to damage your marriage by creating resentment.

Above all don't forget that this man's ex is:

a) A human being.
b) No threat to your marriage (if she were he'd be seeing her without telling you).
c) Someone he once cared very deeply about.
d) (Chances are) quite a nice person who you and he could be friendly with. (Actually you have to accept that she is a nice person otherwise your husband's taste in women is in doubt).

You might well, of course, think it unsual to be dealing socially with someone your husband was once intimate with, but the operative word in that sentence is "was." He married YOU. He made the marriage vows to YOU. If he's got even half a brain he won't put those vows in jeapordy by trying anything inapropriate with someone with whom it didn't work out the first time.

Answer 3

I did the same thing, that your husband did.
My ex tried to get in touch with me, and eventually i wrote to him and then received his number and called him...talked for almost an entire day and told him never to contact me again. I don't want my ex, my first love, to come between my boyfriend and i...and i explained this to my ex, that what we had was really special...but we were never meant to be.
I needed this closure, because when we ended it was very emotional and not at all a clean breakup...i needed an adult, mature breakup...and that's what i got. He has not called, or even tried to contact me...
Try to understand that this might be difficult for your husband as well, and that is why he needed this closure, to not have the ex as any part of what he wants and feels with you. You seem very important to him for him to do this, remember, if he had any feelings for her, or wanted her back, then closure would not be directed to her...
Actually i didn't even tell my boyfriend that i contacted him this last time, i did not want him to feel offended as you did...but your husband wants total honesty...try and respect him for it...he knew that you could handle the truth.

Answer 4

Ya...right...closure. "I love you more than her." Two things....1, it sounds as if he made a choice between the two of you and isn't certain he made the right choice. 2, if those were the exact words he used he basically confessed to you that he loves her too.

If I was in your situation I wouldn't act as naive as many people on here suggest you do. Just because he chose you/married you doesn't mean anything if he's calling his ex for closure. That aspect of his life should have been FINISHED before he asked you to marry him. Be smart. Protect yourself. He's testing the waters with her.

Answer 5

I think he should have kept his mouth shut and not explained anything. I think he should have had closure with her before he started dating. I am sure there are "first" loves in your life too. I am sure you don't love your husband any less just because you have a history. Hopefully he didn't produce any offspring with her and will never have to see/talk to her again. He is one dumb guy if he thinks the reason he can't make a baby with you is because he "hurt" her. Make sure you delete her name from his email address book.

Answer 6

sounds like he was telling you how he feels and you are trying to analize his feelings. You cannot take that outta proporation, have you anyone in your past that u uses to love? The love for your spouse is a different kinda of love he was just trying to get closure on his past so he could go in with his future with you so stop trying to analize and start respecting and loving him. and thank god he was at least honest with you and told you how he felt some men would not of even done that and if you take it and turn it into something it's not or get mad about that then he will start closing up and not telling you anything and then how would you feel?

Answer 7

hummmmmmmm he needed closure after u and him were married????????? RED FLAG..

But he did love her first cause well she was before u.. obviously.. and he obviously loves u more cause he's still with u and married u.. but he not actting like someone who LOVES his wife and respects his wife by feeling the need to call his x to have closure, he should of handled that before he married u...if he needed "CLOSURE" sounds to me he needed to know if he made the right choice.. and wanted to see what she was doing now a days...

Answer 8

Firstly, I would have concerns about him calling his ex - for whatever reasons.
He is married to you now - closure should have happened when he decided to marry you

But I wouldnt worry too much about the statement he made, sometimes men just dont know the right words. They try to make us feel better but often they just dont get it right

Answer 9

I wouldn't be offended by it. It's probably true. Sometimes things happen in relationships and after you get dumped, you just don't know what to make of it. So, it bothers you and the missing details of the break-up make you think about her even more. By getting closure, he can now put it completely behind him.

I was in a similar situation. I got dumped and never knew why. I didn't think about it constantly, but it popped into my head somewhat regularly. I just wanted to know why. Years later, I finally called my ex and just asked why she dumped me the way she did. (She took her apartment keys off my key ring and I didn't realize it till a couple days later... Then she wouldn't answer my calls... And she FedExed my stuff to me... And never spoke to me again.) When I called for some closure, she was very nice about it, apologized profusely, and explained everything that was going on in her life at that time. I thanked her for her honesty and that was it.

I was honest about it with my girlfriend at that time and told her the same thing (kind of). I just explained that I needed to close that chapter of my love my life. She wasn't too happy about it at first, but she was very understanding once we discussed it. And it never came up again. She knows I love her and not my ex. I just had to contact my ex to find out why things ended the way they did.

Overall, he *did* marry you. I'm sure he loves you. And he probably just needed to get some closure to finally answer some questions that bothered him. He wasn't thinking about her and called her becuase he still loves her... He called her and he thought about her because he wanted to close a chapter in his life and move on... and move on with you...

As for the people saying he should have gotten closure before he married you, there could be a reason that he didn't. Maybe he didn't know how to contact her, maybe something in your relationship brought up some questions (seeing a pattern of behavior and wanting affirmation that the behavior was or wasn't the reason they broke up - basically trying to close that out to make sure he doesn't do the same thing and ruin his marriage to you), maybe she wasn't willing to discuss it with him back then, or whatever. There could be several circumstances, but overall, whatever the reason, there's no need to get upset or file for divorce. If this behavior continues and he keeps calling old girlfriends (or continues to contact her or meet with her), then you can start to worry. If it's an isolated incident, just accept that it's something he needed to do in order to move on with his life and his marriage.

Sit down and talk with him if you need closure on this topic. He's your husband and I'm sure he'd be happy to discuss it with you. Then move on... I'm sure he loves you and his ex is nothing more to him than some fond old memories. But remember, he doesn't want to create new memories with her... he wants to do that with you...

Answer 10

Personally I agree very much with what Myzyri, Patience, and others who had similar ideas said. From my own experience I know that each of my exes (boyfriends so far) have special places in my heart and special memories that are ours and ours alone. For the love, respect, support, and happiness that they gave me in the past, I will forever be grateful. For the bad times and the arguments I will try to remember the lessons I learned and figure out the ones that I should have learned. A few of them, I loved very much.. and those I will always "love" but in a different way than I would love my current or future man. You can love past relationships for the part that they played in your life and helping to create the person that you are today. But your future will always belong to the people you carry into it and the people you have yet to meet along the way.
On one hand I understand the people who have been saying he should've gotten closure before he married you - and well.. they are right.. he should've.. but as we all know, life usually happens far from what we would originally thought should have happened and we just have to move forward from there with what we have.
So apparently he still needed closure.. If this is truly the one and only reason he called her, than it is actually a good thing, because with out getting the closure he needed - the part of him that needed the closure would always be stuck needing the closure and not be able to be focused on you. Now, assuming he has received all of the closure he needs, the two of you can move on with your lives and plan your future together.

If it really bugs you that much, maybe you could bring up the topic with him in a patient understanding way and ask him honestly what had happened with his ex and what it was he needed closure on. Maybe there was alot there that he has never felt comfortable telling you about. Maybe the openness between the two of you will bring you closer.

On the other hand, pay attention to yourself. If you don't believe he was being completely honest with you about what the phone call was about, see how things progress and make sure he doesn't continue calling her.

Anyway, going from experience I had one relationship in which I was unable to get closure for a number of years.. not months.. years.. I absolutely loved this man.. we had been friends for years.. had dated once for a short time when we first met and then stayed friends for years. Well, eventually we got back together and dated for a year. OK only a year.. and it was long distance, but we talked every few days if not more often over the phone and we would talk about everything... daily stuff going on thoughts, feelings, dreams, funny things that happened to us. He became my closest friend.. the one person in the world I would tell absolutely anything too. I have never before or yet ever since trusted anyone as much. Slowly he began to fade away from my life.. calling fewer times.. seeing each other less often - he had just started a new job and his excuse for disapearing from time to time was that he was now working 14 hour days... (those are loooooong days).. I was still studying at a university in another state.. Eventually we had a very emotional breakup saying that it was too tough because of his schedule and because we were in different states. He said he still loved me and wanted to remain friends.. Although crushed I was happy with the idea of still remaining friends (we had always decided that in case things didn't last forever we would remember that our friendship had always come first and we would keep our friendship forever). Well, it would appear forever ended that day. He never spoke to me again. Eventually moved and changed his phone number without giving it to me. Again I was crushed beyond belief.. I threw myself into many new activities, made as many new friends as I could as quickly as possible, set myself on new sights to forget about it. But I never really did. And I didn't find any sort of closure until years later after I had been back in touch with mutual friends for some time and eventually one of them mentioned to me that he had gotten married. From that moment I found as much closure as I would ever get.

The only time a person doesn't need closure from a really close relationship is when a relationship has been openly spiraling for long enough that by the time it ends the people involved no longer really care about each other anymore.

And similar to what someone already said.. the fact that he really cared about her to begin with and cares to find out what really went wrong isn't necessarily a worry to your current relationship but shows that he is capable of creating that strong a bond with comeone and that maybe even - he has some signs that something similar to what happened to his old relationship is beginning in yours and he doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes.

So keep your eyes open, be forgiving, but don't be a doormat, and follow both your head and your heart. No need to only use one.. you have both.. :) Take care