How can I stop behaving in a self defeating manner that's been drilled into me from church since I was young

Question

I feel like I don't have the right to do anything or be anything or achieve anything or be happy or experience pleasure or enjoy life. And its all because of the religious teachings that I was exposed to in Catholicism. I gave it up but I still feel guilty just for existing. I am not a murderer or rapist or anything horrible. It's just been drilled into me, all this unearned guilt from religion and I can't shake it off. I'm always holding myself back from doing things and sabotaging my own success, I started doing bad in school so I woouldn't be "sinful" and I intentionally didn't try hard in track and field because I don't feel like I have the right to exist since I'm supposedly so "sinful" and I'm suppposed to deny myself or else I'll go to hell. I'm not doing this in order to explain away inadequacies either. How do I get over these thoughts? Life is terrible and I see no point in going on existing if its going to be a joyless existence.

And I cry because I am in conflict with myself and whether I believe in God and I feel lonely without God but I don't feel like I can live with a God either. I'm kinda lost in a way. I don't like being held down by God's rules, so I try to make myself believe that I have a different God who doesn't judge me and loves me unconditionally. But I never feel like God is really there and all I can picture him as is a punisher who hates me and wants to control me. So I never sleep because of that.

Answer 1

Life is what you make of it. Enjoy what the Master has set for you to do. Though it may be tedious, That is why I hate cruxifixes,
My Master didn't stop when he died on the cross.
You will not find his bones still nailed to that tree.
He arose on the third day.
To make a path for you and me.
For it wasn't just in his Dying
a sinless legacy.
but that he arose
still knowing
how sinful I would be

But that didn't stop him from his mission
he still climbed up that Tree.
To take the sting of death from us
Because he cared for a worm like me

It is hard to answer this question. Couched in so many differnt effects. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness.
If you dwell on unearned Guilt, it will always be there for you. Understand that the Truth is this, life is what you make it. It is a terrible and wondrous thing. It is pain, and it is Joy. I was an angry young man. Until I understood what Peace that passes understanding meant. Be content in who you are and life will tend to work out the details. Other than that a Good therapist can help you with your self esteem issues. The old adage is true.

If you seek it you will find it.
If you look for Joy you will find Joy
If you look for conflict you will find conflict
if you look for darkness you will not find the light.
If you look for depression you will find only sadness.

I know that sounds too easy but it is true, If you are depressed, cheer someone else up. It will do you a world of good.

If you are broke, Volunteer at a local food bank or shelter. you will often find that if you help others with your same problem you will get a far greater benefit from it.

It is like AA.
It only works if you work it.

Answer 2

I can relate very much to the way you feel and having that unnecessary guilt is not pleasant. Great job in finding and acknowledging the problem. I think you've already cleared the biggest hurdle. Seeking help is a good idea, and in the meantime I think you should slowly review your past and the details of your conditioning. Find out who you really are deep down and why. In other words, keep going on this path that you've created for yourself. It might be long and arduous work, but I think you're already off to a wonderful start. I know this is easier said than done; but try not to replace your ideology with another one, because your suffering would be endless. Instead, learn about yourself, and "Be a light unto yourself". As a fellow sufferer, I will keep you in mind, and I wish you all the best!! I'd say good luck, but this doesn't have to do with luck, nor do I think you even need any.

Answer 3

Identifying problem is problem half solved. You are lucky that at least you can pin-point the cause.
Just remember heaven and hell are both on this earth and you dont live to strive for heaven and only your concience is the one to decide whether you are right or wrong.

You dont want to exist if you are successfull. You dont want to have a joyless existence either. Sort yourself out. I believe God never wants us to be miserable and suffering all the time for nothing.
Believe in yourself and dont be ashamed of success.
Indulge youself in workout and read some good books (not of religion)
I am not asking you to be an atheist but you need to see life in a different perspective.

Answer 4

You are on the right track - acknowledging that there is a problem. As to how to change it, you didn't get this way overnight, right? This took years of indoctrination - its going to take time to get rid of the feelings. Joining some sort of support group might help, and if its really bad you should seek professional counseling, even if it might be expensive because the rewards are worth it - a happier life. Your acknowledgemnt of what happened will help you - now that you know what happened you can do something about it. GRADUALLY you can reverse the negative feelings, so best to start right now, and here's a word of encouragement from me: you were smart enough to figure out what happened, now you will be smart enough to turn it around and live a much happier life.

Answer 5

When you were still young, might be that elders only want to teach you the proper attitudes so that you'll grow up with those habits. It is not right to be a pessimist. You are free to do whatever you want as long as it will be in accordance with the law and it wouldn't hurt other people. Try to pick up the pieces and start all over again. Everyone is entitled to a new beginning. Whatever it is that made your past unpleasant can be renewed if we do it right. Don't blame religion for what had happened to you. Nobody is perfect, so everybody sinned and continue to sin if they don't change their bad attitudes. Life is really terrible but we don't have to make it a miserable one. Use your talent wisely and don't waste it by sabotaging your supposedly success. Stop your intention of forcibly doing bad things kuz' you're not truly bad and your intention is only to hurt them and disappoint them. You're just trying to be avengeful out of your anger. Psychologically speaking, you want to do what they hate, and not doing what would make them happy. You are reversing the situation so as to displease them. Dont' self-pity, but try to believe in yourself. That way, it will boost your ego and bring confidence in you. I hope you follow the advices of the people who are trying to help you.

Answer 6

I think you need to go out and pretend you are a drunken pirate-hooker for one night. Go out with your craziest friend/acquaintance, get drunk, get a tattoo, hook up with a random guy, do the worst things you can possibly think of, then normal stuff won't seem so bad. After that, you need to research some more relaxed religions, talk to a few preachers, and convert from Catholicism to something that makes you feel good about yourself. Religion isn't supposed to bring you down, it is supposed to be your salvation, something that you can rely on when everything else in life is letting you down. Religion exists because temptation exists and no-one can resist every temptation except God.

Answer 7

Dear Conundrum,
Many people joke around here but I believe what you are saying. This is serious. Seems like I am going through something of the same. As I sit through a sermon at church (Baptist - Christian) I think...this is impossible to live life this way! I do the best I can to be "good" but guess what...we are all born in sin and we live in sin. It is OK. Christ die for us and for our sin. If you believe this and you confess this with your mouth and heart you are cleaned and sin is wiped away! That is it. Simple huh? Look, live your life and enjoy all the beautiful things and experiences God has made for you. God does not want us to live in guilt. If we do then Jesus died for no reason! Amen?

Answer 8

Hello Conundrum- you sound like your really weighed down with alot of psycological baggage- that old way of thinking is standing in between you and happiness. The teachings you were taught when you were younger that you want to leave behind are not so easy to let go because they are a large part of what shaped you into the person you are today.
Also, I'm sure you realize there is alot of good in the things you were taught along with other teachings that you find your not as comfortable with. So dismissing all of the teachings out of hand would of course make you feel like your not excersizing rational judgement.
So why don't you take a common-sense approach to the religous aspect of it and take the things that seem correct and good and use that along with other life knowledge you have aquired along the way.
Of course there is a difference between God and religion so don't just dismiss the idea of a higher power-pray to God for guidance and confide in him but he can't "fix" your unhappiness. He let's us chart out our own lives and make our own decisions-it wouldn't do to let out God in our calculations-everybody needs to talk with God-
I think that might be a part of your unhappiness-you have listened to alot of people being judgemental and trying to pass on a bunch of self-serving agenda. But God truly cares about you as a person and he knows every pain and suffering and thought.
You say your not anything horrible but believe me, we all have horrible things in our hearts-that's just our nature. But that's ok because God know's that too and he will help you overcome the things you should if you trust him and ask him-but he also wants you to be happy-
Basically I think you will do ok if you love God-love people-and love yourself-none of these things are easy to do but your life will be far more fulfilling if you start putting these things into actual practice-
Volunteer and help other people-get a pet-take a class or do an activity you normally would never consider-just get involved-remember, everybody gets depressed but you have to be pro-active-don't spend all your time sitting in front of the computer or t.v.-get some excersize.
Also, it is always good to talk with other people-friends-therapy groups-counsellors-whatever it takes.
This is only my advice-I don't have all the answers but your question struck me as sincere-Good luck and God bless!

Answer 9

nicely i think of they are going to have slightly difficulty with me in the event that they ever get me right into a nursing dwelling house. That'll be the final around-up and that i think of i may well be forming a gang to maintain that style of individual(that i've got had in my way all my existence, it style of feels) from getting everywhere close to the area. the staff desires to make particular no person is harassing those undesirable previous people who're paying a small fortune to have mediocre care.

Answer 10

try looking for a story in everything. Then, become addicted to Japanese anime, then embrace the Japanese way of thinking. It's pretty meaningful.

You don't have to reject your religion. Right now its a burden you can't bear, and that's okay. We all fall. You were born into this world like everyone else. Just remember that, and hang on to it. Believe in joy.