A child is born to this great world,
To the whole world he shines,
A ball of love surrounds him,
He has a non beaten mind.
No money does this boy possess,
He's the height of your knee,
Yet his fresh thoughts of beauty,
Set his ambitions free.
As he walks finding his sweet dreams,
His innocent beauty fades,
For the first time in his life,
On his own he lays.
It isn't what he dreamed of,
It isn't what he chose,
Watching all his doors of hope,
Watching these doors close.
2006-09-26 14:05:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
SAD
2006-09-26 14:10:49 · answer #1 · answered by fayem7 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It flows nicely until this line:
"On his own he lays."
I think you have much to say and you could flesh out these lines to include a bit more to indicate the passage of time/growth/aging.
You have a thought, idea, you want to convey. This is a good way to understand what it is you're thinking and feeling. Keep at it.
2006-09-26 21:25:02 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good concept but it's just rhyming, not really a poem. Also it's "lies" not "lays"-- "on his own he lies". If you use correct grammar, you have to change the entire verse.
As a song lyric this would be pretty good. As a poem, not so good. Don't get discouraged, however-- keep writing.
2006-09-26 21:09:55 · answer #3 · answered by Scarlett_156 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take out the word, "Yet."
It has beauty that fades away at the end. Nice.
2006-09-26 21:09:47 · answer #4 · answered by itwasashark 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the answerer above me...not all that spectacular for a poem. as a song it would kick ***.
2006-09-26 21:11:15 · answer #5 · answered by Santclair 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thank you. i did enjoy the poem , as i write music myself
if poetry is a dream of yours , dont stop, i found it interesting
bob.
hells kitchen nyc.*
2006-09-26 21:56:37 · answer #6 · answered by HELLS KITCHEN 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I felt it was good. Had feeling and a start and ending. Good work
2006-09-26 21:13:17 · answer #7 · answered by sideways 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's great beyond words.
2006-09-26 21:28:38 · answer #8 · answered by silvrangel91 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it. It is different.
2006-09-26 21:13:19 · answer #9 · answered by Andrea 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great poem!!!
2006-09-26 21:15:50 · answer #10 · answered by Debbie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
SWEET...a little confusing though...
2006-09-26 21:14:20 · answer #11 · answered by Lynne B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋