OK, ladies, answer this one for me.?

Question

Been with my lady for 9 years. In the beginning, sex was incredible. Actually it still is. But it's so damn rare that we have it, it has become an issue. We can go months without having it. I've tried numerous things to "spice it up" and keep it new and exciting. When we discuss it, it's always the same, "I *** four or five times and that lasts me a long time." By the way, that's not bragging, it's truly one of her answers. The other is that she's not happy with her body (she's put on a few pounds) and needs to work on it. She says I always make her feel sexy and desirable. Which, in my opinion, she still is. She's put on "a few" pounds (probably 10 pounds). It's not like she's gain a buttload of weight. Ladies, help me out here: What's the real issue and what do I do to help her?

Update: I've tried pretty much everything all of you have suggested. There are no kids. I do the majority of the cooking and we share responsibility for the housework. We both work the same amount of hours and no she doesn't wait on me (it's more the other way around)
I do like what fried twinkie had to say though. Thanks to all.

Answer 1

OK, its the problem a majority of people face. The real issue is her mindset about her look, she might be afraid that if you look at her and feel her often, you may start disliking her.She just needs reassurance that she's still gorgeous and you love her more everytime you are together.
Try getting her clothes, which hide her flaws (which she thinks are there) ,
Try having it (s..) in candlelight, as body appears more proportioned in it.
As woman get older they need more foreplay , so start by sweet nothings and gradually elevate your sensuousness.
You could even take her out on a romantic trip.
Oops !! It seems I wrote a complete book !!

Answer 2

First, DON'T use the reassuring tone and say "Aw honey, I think you are fine just the way you are and I still love you."
Women want to feel loved AND sexy. When she least expects it, look at her with a smoldering look and tell her " Damn Honey, you are so HOT!!!!!" "I could just look at you all day!" Do this often. Tell her what you think is so sexy about her. Tell her what you want to do with her. And don't wait till you want sex to do this. Tell her at the grocery store and let her bask in the compliment for awhile. Give her love notes occasionally. Also, touch her like she is a buffet and you are a starving man! There is nothing a woman (or man) loves more than that powerful feeling that comes with knowing that somebody loves you AND thinks you are the hottest thing going! That is a huge turn-on!
She also needs to know that you aren't as obsessed about her weight gain as she is. Make subtle comments like this at opportune moments......
"You know, models these days are way to skinny! A bag of bones is not appealing."
Point out another woman that has a generous figure and make a positive comment. (as long as she's not the jealous type) Tell her why you think her figure looks great. Is it because her breasts are fuller now, her butt more shapely. Does she have really soft skin? Tell her it feels like silk. Pour it on for awhile and see if she comes around. Make sure you are sincere about it though. We can see through B.S. if you're humoring us.

Answer 3

A BUTT LOAD!! LMAO!! Well I have been married for about 5 years, and yes sex is another issue here too.. My husband and I are big people, but hey it doesnt stop the train!! But I have been the one to control the tracks really.. The only reason, was for me.. we were always fighting, and disagreeing on family matters, money matters, kids matters, all the above.. and yes that didnt make me want his stupid ashe... and yes i did add weight and i feel embarrassed when he looks at me, because I am not sure in his head if he reallys says "Damn girl!! or Damn girl lets turn off the lights!!" But honestly, he nevers says anything about me, he always touches me and looks at me the same, and that makes me feel good. And yes there are more times now that we communicate and he helps me around the house, with the kids, and other things. And that makes me happy, and i wanna make him happy too.. so you have too look at the whole picture. and really talk to her.. because that the only key.. i mean if i always listen to the older couples that been married more than 30+ years. they always got the good stuff to share.. and hey if anything, get a really pretty outfit for her with shoes, and get her pedicure and manicure, her hair done.. Take her out somewhere romantic and just share and talk for along time until the wine is out and then just rock eachothers world.. I bet that would get things hot and heavy again, but now it will have deeper meaning for the both you.. Marriage is a long term commitment doesnt mean we know everything about the person, it just means that we are with this person.. lmao! good luck, and just stay the good man as you are too her.. (*i hope you are!)

Answer 4

Maybe she has subconsciouly put on the weight as a defense system and can now use it as an axcuse. Try starting with a massage or something to get her in the mood. Also, give her hugs, kisses ans compliment her when you have no expectation of sex in return. Like right as she walks out the door. Maybe you could start walking together in the evenings as a way to work off the pounds and the increased blood flow and adrenalin also tends to make people more interested in sex. Transference of excitement they call it. Like Dr Phil says, when sex is good, it's about 10% of the relationship and when it's not it's about 90%. Maybe pick up one of his books, he has some stuff to say that makes a lot of sense. Good Luck with it =)

Answer 5

Sometimes even when you tell her she is gorgeous and you still have the hots for her she is unsure that you mean it and may think you just say it out of love. She is probably down on herself and wishing she could fit her own self image. There is really nothing you can do but encourage her and maybe try a little romance with the sex. If she is lacking romance she might feel down or like your relationship is not what it was in the beginning. You remember those butterflies? Try to make them appear again and then you will be onto something! :)

Answer 6

Have you suggested possibly going away for a romantic get away? Not sure if your married to this woman or not. Perhaps if your not you should propose. If there are children involved that can be very draining to the sexual appetite. If she works a full time job and then has to come home to tend to your every need and want thats very tiring also. I suggest trying some new things like helping with chores, changing positions, an adventure where she is away from the ordinary daily grind. Good luck with your endeavors.

Answer 7

I'm a guy, but here's my two cents. The line about "that lasts me a long time" sounds like an exucse to me. The more she enjoys it, the more often you'd expect her to want to do it. OK, maybe a good one would last her for days, or a week, but there's no way she's still feeling satisfied months later.

The body image thing is more believable. That can totally kill the sex drive for some women. Maybe she could take up dancing or something that makes her feel more sensual and comfortable with her body.

Answer 8

Get her excited & thinking about you during the day. Send her nice messages, leave love notes around the house or in her car, send her a card, flowers, give her compliments through out the day. Make her feel special & loved. With women, most of the time it's an emotional or physicalogical reason for the lack of sex. It has to do with how she feels. Ask her what you can do to make her happy. Plan an activity the two of you can do together; go hiking, biking, running. Activities that increase the heart rate & gets the endorphins stimulated in the brain. That'll help her feel better about herself.

Answer 9

A woman's sex drive isn't as strong as a man's. She may be going threw a change in her hormone levels as well. If her sex drive was fine for a long period of time, i.e. years, and all of a sudden it just stopped then she may need to see a Doctor about the her hormones. If it's been more like a slow declining process over the years than that's just normal. Even though you make her feel sexy she may still feel self-conscious about her weight. Not feeling comfortable in her body can be making her feel less attractive and less "horny."

Answer 10

Maybe you should try and sit her down and realy see what she doesn't like about herself. If it is the weight then workout together and help her lose it so you can get what you want in the end. There are many reasons for not wanting to have sex. You could also do things that will please the both of you without actually having intercourse! She can use her hand to please you, or you can watch her touch herself, or if you want you can touch her and yourself at the same time. its not really the same as intercourse but none the less it is pleasureful. And maybe with all the touching going on she might suddenly be in the mood to "do it".

Answer 11

You'd be shocked to know how much a woman defines herself by her body. The great thing about you is that you aren't compounding the problem by saying she's overweight. Good for you. You love her just the way she is! I would still try to reach out to her in conversation and say that your needs might be somewhat different than hers and as such, you want her with more frequency. Tell her you love every square inch of her and want the intimacy of sex more often. I understand that you don't want to bring it up so much that she gets defensive or stressed out, but gently try to tell her that you want her more. Don't say you need sex more---say you want her more and that desire isn't being met. Good luck. You're a good guy!!!