What to do if wife is no longer affectionate?

Question

When we first started dating, my wife couldn't keep her hands off of me. This isn't just in the sexual sense of things. She was always finding a reason to touch me when we talked or sat together, she caressed me often and I always loved it because no one had ever done that to me before. It is one of the MANY reasons I married her in the first place. At some point in the marriage, touching became scarce, and now I don't get any affection or touching anymore except when we have sex. It's something that I miss ALOT and I don't know what to do about it.

We have two children (4 and 1½) and I know that has quite a bit to do with it. She always has to be at their beck and call, so I get all that. I just don't understand what happened.

Why is there nothing left for me at the end of the day? If I ask for anything other than a simple kiss, it's always met with frustration as if she's put out by it. She rolls her eyes and gets irritated.

Can anyone give me some advice?

Thanks

I am always affectionate to her. It is just never reciprocated. I take her out when we can (it's hard to find a babysitter these days). We're going out by ourselves this Friday and we're going to a party Saturday night (it's rare to get two nights in a row like that).

I'm doing what I can...

Xerxes32...I do many of those things already. I'm no billboard husband or anything, but I damn well do what I can when I can.

Like I said before, it's not about the sex. That comes and goes as it will. It's the intimate affection that I am missing.

I appreciate all of your input. I do what I can when I can do it. I do dishes, I keep the kids busy while she's cooking dinner.

My kids have been in daycare for 3 weeks now. She's been trying to get on track to getting back to work (she's been at-home since we moved in February). I would have thought things would be much better for her, but when I get home (she picks them up), she's just as frazzled as when they were staying home!

I'm at a loss as to that whole thing, but there's been alot of good advice given and I will continue to stand beside her and do what I can. I love her. I just miss the affection...

Answer 1

She has a big job by raising your 2 children. Understand her position. Assuming she has to cook, clean, change diapers, wash clothes, pay bills, buy groceries, spend time with the kids, make time for you and still make time for herself. It is a big job. I say you get a sitter and take her out for a night on the town to unwind her. Let her know you appreciate everything she dose for your family! Then she will most likely return the affection.

Answer 2

If you had said your kids were 3 and 7 months I would have thought you were my husband!
I think that it probably has little to do with you and much to do with the fact that her job is 24/7 leaving little energy and perhaps a little resentment. My husband helps out a lot and is great with my kids but it doesn't change the fact that I feel I am responsible for everyone's happiness, health and everything else. It is hard to balance everything and unfortunately the romance is usually the 1st thing to be put on the backburner. I do the same things your wife does and for me it's all about timing. My husband comes into the kitchen when I'm busy cooking and trying to watch the kids at the same time and stands in front of me wanting a hug and kiss. It is not that I don't want a hug and kiss it's that the timing is poor.
Maybe ask her when a good time would be. I know it sounds silly to have to time it or schedule it but who knows it may just work!
Good luck. I think I'll copy and paste this into an email to MY husband :)

Answer 3

The biggest factor is probably fatigue. She probably feels that she is not the center of your universe anymore and kids do cause stress in a marriage. Make sure that she knows you love her no matter what, but that you miss the way she touches you. When your body feels different and not so sexy after kids it's hard to imagine that anyone would desire you.

Just remember that at the end of the day she is crazy tired and probably wants nothing more than a hot bath and sleep. If you come on to her slowly during the evening and give her some time to herself to make herself feel sexy and desirable she will be more ready to participate later.

And you know what? THE KIDS CAN WAIT!

Sometimes mommy and daddy need a "NAP". Pop in a video and let them know that you are NOT at their beck and call. Train them that way. When your bedroom door is closed you do not want to be disturbed. They should sit and do quiet things until you come back. My kids are 17, 14 and 11 and they were all raised that way from the time they were two or three.

Answer 4

My situation is the same. only worse. The sex stopped. It bothered me at first but then I noticed certain things.

1. it stopped after my daugther was born.
2. just as you said she gets irritated if i bring up the fact that we are not passionate like before.
3. she is older than me by 8 years.
4. She stresses herself too much over little issues that she focuses on.

then things came to a head one day and I left for 2 and a half years. during those 2 and a half years the passion, kissing, touching sex was more prevalent. She was constantly calling me and looking for me. after 2 and a half years I decided to return home thinking that we would make it much better after all the talk and therapy. Guess what. she reverted right back to the same routine.

Moral of the story? She uses it to appease me and keep me from straying. once I returned home she did not have to work as hard to keep me. She does not think that I know this, but I am extremely observant.

What should you do? well, everyone is different. with her you might need to offload some of the things that bog her down and gets her upset like take the kids from her and keep them busy for a whole day for a change. Or do the housework for her. Surprise her by cleaning the house, doing laundry and even dishes. She might appreciate what you do for her and reward you with the attention you want. its worth a try.

Answer 5

If you have done all this already, then I would talk to her and tell her how you feel. Ask her what she wants. Ask her what happened to change things. Maybe it's just a change she is going through and will get past it. Good luck.

Usually there is another reason behind it. Maybe she is feeling depressed or overwhelmed. Or even unattractive. Try doing nice things for her such as taking her for a nice romantic dinner, treating her to a day at the spa, go for a romantic walk and look at fall colors, surpise her with some nice thoughtful gifts. Compliment her and make her feel beautiful. And above all else, make sure you help her around the house!

Answer 6

I think you should start off by initiating a wonderful, romantic evening,(cuz if you want something u gotta work to get it).Make her feel sexy,tell her shes beautiful.Cuz more than likely, she probably has some insecurities about herself,and thats why she feels drawn from you(rolling her eyes etc..). Go and get yourself an R.kelly c.d.preferably 12 Play ,and handle ya bizzzznesss.Buy some wine somehting suttle like a pinot grigio or a charrdanay,so she can relaxe,and tell her how you've been feeling lately,and that you need your fire back, then pursue her romantically. if she loves you and the 2 of you are on good terms,she should respond to this. cuz R.keely always does the trick 4 me!!

Answer 7

She could definitely be stressed from taking care of two children. Maybe she feels a bit unappreciated? Marriage, just like any other relationship will mold and change. You can't expect your entire marriage to be just like it was when you were dating.

Maybe you can give her a gift certificate for a day at the spa (body massage, facial, manicure, etc.) and you can take the day off from work and watch the kids? Maybe it simply is that she needs to unwind, without the daily grind and the kids.

Or better yet, hire a babysitter and take her out for a romantic date! :)

Answer 8

Yeah, lots of advise. Yup, she's pretty tired with two children -- in case you didn't know, children are divisive, not bonding. I'm going to take some time to write this to you, so the hope here is that you read it carefully:

All of us change as we grow and raise children, but guys maintain their sexual drive, even as women get side-tracked with kids. You guys are meant to be breeders, evolution made you that way -- the better a male was at impregnating females, the more children carried his genetics, and along with it, the ability to be breeders. In the end, you guys are poppers -- and women are slow cookers...... imagine how dangerous it is to be in the situation of having an erection for hours....... (you guys would have been lunch, and women, on the other hand are slow cookers, and in part therein lies some of the the problem. Another problem is that every woman should come with an instruction manual "How to make love to this Woman". We don't. So the two of you will need to begin to communicate.... And women get bored with same ol' same ol' so the "Old Dog" better learn some new tricks.....

Suggestion #1. And old one, but: get into a few sessions of therapy, and see why she no longer likes sex. And you'll have to say this gently: "I love you, and I know you could be happier. And I want to see what we can do to make our marriage better. I loved it when you gave me a gentle caress for no reason. I miss that, and maybe I am doing something wrong, (load the guilt /blame on yourself...) something that even we don't know what it is........." Notice nothing is being accused here.... don't say, "I don't get any sex any more, what the hell is wrong....." It could be you! It could have been you all along!!!! We are pretty good at faking it, even down to vaginal contractions, and you guys never know---- never know --- and why do we do that? You guys have a fragile ego, we don't want to hurt you, and also, because maybe you are doing everything wrong, and hell, get it over with. Didn't know that, did you?
#2. Agree to read two books together. (listed at the end.) This author is THE leading sex therapist in the nation. Agree to follow her exercises and suggestions to make your marriage closer. Agree to get away from your children even if you go into debt a bit to have time for each other. Make a date, make it special at least once per month.... more if you both have time and $$$ It doesn't have to be expensive, just special -- i.e., no kids to interrupt you. (and don't YOU buy her lingerie...... because in effect, you aren't buying it for her, you are buying it for you!!!! (Big mistake guys make).

The two books:
"For Yourself" and
"For Each Other"
both by Lonnie Barbach, paperback, cheap on Amazon.com. Can be at your house by Friday.
Bibliography in back full of other books she and other therapists use. No reason why you can't order them too.

Some men know the secrets of romance already, but they are rare -- some men bring themselves to climax before making love to their wife, so that they can spend an hour just concentrating just
on her. You will find all sorts of hints in these two books to be a better lover. In short, remember your penis is for your pleasure, your mouth, lips tongue and fingers are for hers. These books will tell you how to use them.

And then there is something I just don't like to admit.... Things wear out -- cars, teeth, electrical switches, clothes, and yes, marriages. We drift apart, some times hopelessly and no longer are on the same page in the same book. But I think you two are a bit too young for that diagnosis. Give this other stuff a try.


Helpful? Need more??? write me...

Answer 9

Sometimes women just get pissed off. They feel like they are doing everything and never get a break. Get a babysitter for the weekend and take her away. Don't let her say no we can't do that either, maker her get away. I am a mom I know. I think I have to do it all and sometimes I just get pissed for no reason at all and it can last awhile before I realize how crappy I am being.

Answer 10

i understand her....
here it goes, the awful truth...
when we have kids, they suck all of our time, strenght and will to do things, we just want to take a break, have some good sleep, take a shower peacefully, have a complete meal sitting down....
it is very VERY hard, we get so tired in the day that when hubby arrives we see him as somebody else that wants our attention, so it means more work!
i'm not saying is correct, all i'm saying is how she may be feeling...
i don't want to blame the kids either, it's just very tiring physically and emotionally...
i would ask you to understand her better, i'm sure that she misses things just as you do, she misses her life! with kids you don't have that flexibility to do whatever you crave for....
it's only a phase, they are still little and all they want is mommy this, mommy that...

so be a little patient both of you, it's a matter of time when you will be able to remember about your spouse and his/her needs...

focus on the kids, enjoy them, and help her however you can...