We were 18 and in love but foolish...so we quickly parted and went our way...but I never forgot him. Now we're both happily married with children. He lives in Canada, I live in UK. I love him desperately. It is like a disease which comes back over and over again. We spoke briefly last year but after that he stopped suddenly. All I wanted was for us to keep in touch, nothing else. I have never experienced a mode desperate feeling. I want to make him remember me but this is impossible because I am very proud and I do not want to interfere in his life. We both write on a imigrants forum and this is where I "see" him and what he feels, what he thinks...and he sees me. But we do not comunicate because he made it clear that he does not want to. I know I appear to be a mental case but I am trurly desperate. A woman in her thirties with children and a husband should not behave this way, yet I can't stop. What's worse is that I constantly dream of him, day and night. Please help, I am desperate
2006-09-26 10:15:04 · 18 answers · asked by Alone 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
The short answer is, sorry, you can't. It's impossible to make anyone feel anything.
The real issue here is how you put this behind you and move on with your life. It's easy to fixate on "the one who got away." Let's face it - how can a fantasy relationship be anything less than perfect - it doesn't have the mess of a real relationship.
Real is your husband and kids, who probably love you, but aren't perfect. They say things you wish they wouldn't, do things you wish they wouldn't, because they're human, and imperfect.
Fantasy man exists in your head, so he says and does what you want him to - and nothing else. You don't have to wash his dirty clothes, or make sure he gets to the dentist, or listen to him complain about work. He's a leftover chunk of your life from when you had less responsibility, so thinking about him puts you in touch with a less complicated time in your life.
Fantasy man isn't the same as "UK Guy", the guy you loved 16 years ago. That guy has moved on, married, has kids, and has been very clear that he wants you to leave him alone.
It's important that you understand that you're having a passionate love affair with... yourself. Not UK Guy, who has a life of his own and doesn't want you in it. Fantasy Guy is a creation you've made based on your memories of your relationship 16 years ago (which may be idealized - we all do it. How likely is it that guy didn't have one bad or annoying habit? Everyone does).
Rather than deal with the frustrations of your current life, whatever they may be, you're idealizing "UK Guy" and imagining him as the answer to your problems - else why be "desperate" to keep in touch? He doesn't want to be - and you can't change that.
Sometimes it proves really hard to get over an obsession, and professional help would be a great tool here. You need an objective, qualified outsider to help you come to terms with all of this, focus on your real life, and move on. If your car wasn't working, you'd take it to a mechanic, right?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If it were just a case of fantasizing about an old love, and it wasn't interfering with your life, that would be relatively harmless, but you say you dream of this fantasy guy day and night and are "desperate" to get him to love you again, which means you're not fully present in your real relationships. It's time to talk to a qualified professional and learn to move on. "UK Guy" has, and you deserve to, too. Good luck!
2006-09-26 10:29:42 · answer #1 · answered by peculiarpup 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is NOT love, this is an obcession. He has become your fantasy-perfect man. You have turned him into your prince charming. And yes........it is like a disease. Truth is that if you were with him, he would fall very short of how you see him.
You need to redirect your attention to something healthier than this fantasy connection with an X love. Somehow he is filling a need in your life. But, you can't fill a need in such an obscure way. You need to get a grip on your REAL life. It will take some self displine, but you gotta do it.
You have the power to destroy two familes and be much worse off becasue of it. You need to reach out to those around you.
Take a step outside of your own frantic needy self and make some changes in your life.
If you are "desperate" you might be depressed or overwhelmed by some problem and you are focusing on something that isn't reasonable.
It is ok to think back on a romantic past.......but that is what it is....your past. Stop taking these trips back to a place where your brain is telling you that you were happier or more complete. No X bf can ever complete you or valadate you. Only YOU can do that for yourself. This obcession is just a symptom of something bigger that is happening inside of you.
2006-09-26 17:27:59 · answer #2 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure you know that you can't make anyone to love you. You're missing something what finished years ago and is not coming back. Yahoo! answers won't help you. You have to figure out what's wrong with your present life (particularly with your marriage). Usually, when we're starting missing something from the past, it's the here and now that needs to be improved. What are your feelings to your husband??? You should go and see some therapist/psychologist - but find a good one. Maybe someone more qualified than us would help you to understand your own reactions. Hope you'll find the right way!
2006-09-26 17:33:32 · answer #3 · answered by prahmedio 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry...I think that you are probably different people now. Do you think that the reason you feel such a great love for him is because you remember your relationship from a simpler time? Maybe you are bored and desperate in your current situation so you are seeking something that you remember making you happy? Do you only remember the good aspects of the relationship? The big question is, do you want to risk giving up your current life for a memory? Try and re-evaluate the situation from an objective point of view. I kind of understand what you are feeling, and basically you have to make some hard choices...Will he even leave his wife? Life is tough, and it hurts, but hopefully in the end we are better people. I sincerely wish you luck.
2006-09-26 17:25:17 · answer #4 · answered by me! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What you have is a crush that is based upon an old memory and old feelings. After 16 years you two are very different people and a relationship between you two would be nothing like the relationship you had when you were young. Don't go wasting your love and time on someone you can't have and a relationship that doesn't exist and can never exist. Life changes even though in our minds it hasn't.
2006-09-26 17:19:50 · answer #5 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't, you are living in a dream world, get a life with your husband and especially the children, he does not want to leave his family or put it at risk. Leave him alone, it's all a dream, lay off the internet forums, that's what's causing the problem.
We all had these teenage crushes but we moved on.
It wont be what you want to hear but it's the truth.
Dont ruin your families life.
2006-09-26 17:21:04 · answer #6 · answered by tucksie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently he does not want you. Anything to do with you. That might be hard to get through your head, but you have to accept it.
Move on with your life, remember the love you had with him as something grand, but something in the past. Think of new loves you could have in the future, or more importantly, the husband, who should be the love of your life right now.
2006-09-26 17:19:09 · answer #7 · answered by thankgodformaryjane 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just infatuated more like, he obviously loves his wife and you have a husband and family, are you looking for some excitement that you have perhaps lost in your marriage? spice things up with your husband get someone to have the kids at the weekend go out then come home have a glass of wine maybe put candles in the bathroom and have a nice relaxing bath with your husband, rekindle the romance, that is what you are obviously looking for, go for it, forget the other guy he is in your past, deal with your present and future, good luck
2006-09-26 17:56:30 · answer #8 · answered by bluebell 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are obsessing over him. Why? To stop you thinking about your life as it currently is. You are not happy and you need to face up to that fact. Get back to reality and sort your life out. If you can't do this by yourself, seek help - counselling would definately help you.
2006-09-26 17:27:04 · answer #9 · answered by Haydn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i know what u going though im going though the same and it sucks. like me u just got to learn to live with it hunni. i know it hard but life a ***** sometimes.
think of your kids.
im in love with two people my girlfriend and my ex who i cant seem to get, she loves me but keeps saying no becuase we have lifes now and we got to move on. i know she wants to but she wont give in.
maybe one day things will turn out different. i feel really sorry for my girlfriend cos she done nothing wrong and i do love her. but i cant help how i fill about my ex. wish i could but i cant and it sucks!!!!!
goodluck hope u feel better soon.
xxxxx
2006-09-26 17:24:56 · answer #10 · answered by alan h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋