I'm having some difficulties with a divorce decision, and I would like to hear some thoughts...?

Question

I have been going through a divorce for over 4 months now. I started having second thoughts about it (I wanted to reconcile) after the first 2 months. I tried to bring up the subject twice about 2 months ago, and her response was "I don't know". I tried to bring it up again last month (twice) and I was met with the same response. Now, she is telling me that she is leaning toward reconciling. I am wondering...why now? I gave her 4 opportunities to talk about it and I was blown off. I think she is having second thoughts out of pure fear, and I honestly don't think there is anything left of our marriage. What would you do in my position? I honestly believe that I am in a better position as far as the divorce is concerned, so that is why I think she is just fearing the unknown. She has done nothing for 4 months (and I mean NOTHING) and everything has been my responsibility. I will await your thoughts and take them to heart.

Answer 1

FIrst ask yourself WHY did you want to reconcile the first time?
Then, WHY did you want to reconcile the SECOND time?

Then I see you say that you believe her change of heart was out of pure fear and that NOW you don't think there is anything left of your marriage. You also say that you believe you are in a better position as far as the divorce is concerned.

THe fact that you went that route in the first place shows that there were problems. Obviously problems that weren't getting addressed. My attorney told me (because the first time I went to her office I was almost ready to vomit and my heart was palpitating from the time I walked in, to the time I SPRINTED out of there). Anyway, she said that if you are experiencing doubt AT ALL it means that you have not exhausted all of your options. Divorce is a very serious thing, and it should only be used as a last resort. If you have not exhausted all of your options, then don't do it. If you have......and you feel secure in your decision and are not split about it.......then proceed, and don't look back.

I am in the process of one right now too. And I do vary from day to day. Alot of is due to the loss, because after all I married that man and FULLY intended on spending the rest of my life loving him and being fully dedicated to him. Now, it's gone. I think it's also fear because I have been stuck in the same dysfunctional rut, and even though it was bad...........it was predictable. Being open to starting a new relationship is SCARY. Then lastly, there is the thing that kept me holding on for so long......HOPE. I hoped that he could change, and that all the bad things that tore our marriage down.......would be done away with......but he would work on it for a few months, then relapse, and that became the pattern. And I saw that it was just IN him to be the way that he was. And I could go on HOPING FOREVER, but it is like fantasizing or dreaming. But while I was, I would also be HURTING in this very real present tense reality.

Were you hoping??? Is she???? Only you know for sure. There is always his side, her side, and the truth. You know better than any of us.

Answer 2

Being a divorvcee myself, I can give you this advice. If there is any possibility of working things out..TRY IT!! You can always go back and file again later and trust me no court or judge is going to frown upon a couple trying to reconcile. In fact, this is exactly what marriage is about when things get tough you do not give up!! Once those divorce papers are signed, it's over for good! Sure you could remarry should the future bring the 2 of you back together, but this is when the vows mean the most...
As for you being responsible for everything, was it always that way or is this something that has just occured because of seperation? If you have carried her through the marriage financially,chances are she has nothing to gain by a divorce. If this is something new well then she may just be blinded but take it from me...husband or wife the grass IS NOT always greener on the other side. So, in saying that..by all means work it out if you can. There will always be divorce lawyers in the world as long as there are marriages! Try to remember what the reason was the two of you decided on "wedded bliss" in the first place. Best of Luck to both of you. PS as for after 4 tries why now, sometimes it takes people longer than others to realize reality.

Answer 3

There are all kinds of things that may be going on during a divorce. Here are some thoughts, just off the top of my head. First off - you ask her to reconcile, then when she's considered your "offer" and is leaning towards it, you're suspicious. If you can't trust her - why ask at all? Why not move on? I don't know what the grounds for divorce were to begin with, or who initiated it. But if you're willing to give it another try, don't start it on a distrustful note. Seek professional counseling to help you see what the problems were that broke up your marriage, otherwise you're running the risk of ending up in the same situation months or years from now.

Answer 4

Did you come to that conclusion after you tried to get her to reconcile with you four times? I think if it didn't work the first time that it wouldn't work any better this time. Most people divorce because their problems have come to the point of not being able to be fixed. If you were to reconcile then you have to ask yourself what did you do to correct the problem in the first place and why weren't we able to do that before the divorce. Divorce as bad as it is takes a toll on both parties and sometimes fear of the unknown makes you wished you would have thought things through before hand. Bottom line: Why would it be different this time around?

Answer 5

This is the most simple question ever....What do you want it sounds like you have 2nd thoughts of recociling and why do you want to reconcile???? Nobodys opion matters but yours if you no longer love this women and want to move on do it!!!!! If you still love her and really think you can make it work(which it really doesnt sound like she wants it that bad) then stick around but personally I say move on once you "break up" it will never be the same you will never love her the same way you did at first. I say move on and find yourself some real happiness! Whatever you do DONT stay together for kids that is horrible I should know I am a women who parents did that and there divorce was more tragic at 21 than it would have been at 6!

Answer 6

Well, you answered your own question. If there is nothing left of the marriage why reconcile it. Reconciliation will not make it better and fear is never a good reason to get back together. Yeah, the unknown can be scary but it's been 4 months, so it's time to move on. Settle up and move on.

Answer 7

Divorce isn't a nice thing for anyone to go through. I feel for you bud, honestly I do.

Let take a look at the situation. Your wife and you are in a very hard place at the moment. Your wife is possibly trying to figure out what has happened and is by the sounds of it struggling to come to terms with the whole situation.
She probably found it too hard to speak to you about what was going and you approaching her to reconcile threw even more questions and worries into her head.

It's maybe a good thing that she took her time. Maybe you should take it as a positive sign, one that says she is having doubts about the whole divorce.

However....

You do mention that you have nothing left in your marriage. Perhaps you should take your own advice to heart then and move on.
As my mother used to say... "NEXT".

Ultimately, the decision is yours. I would however recommend speaking to your wife. Talk about what you're going through and at worst you'll come out of it single... but with a good friend!

Good luck bud!

Answer 8

You need to ask yourself if you still want to reconcile. Are you bitter because she has waited so long to say yes or are you looking for an excuse to continue with the divorce? Divorce is definitley not easy, mine took a year to process and then we tried to reconcile after it was finalized. I was really glad that we went through with the divorce because the reconciliation never worked. Good luck with all of it, I wish you the best!

Answer 9

Well, one question: Do you love her? you said there was nothing left of your marriage, but with counseling could things be better?
IF you answer yes to either or both of these, you should consider waiting to finalize the divorce. Not necessarily reconcile, but don't totally end it.

Another thing: if you are sure she is only talking reconciliation out of fear and not love or committment, it's time to say goodbye.

I wish you luck and happiness!

Answer 10

My best suggestion would be to go to mediation, get some counseling for the both of you and somewhere it seems like there's not alot of communicating between you two. Also, did you file for divorce? Maybe you do have something, it's up to you both to decide. I'm going through a divorce myself, but we have been separated for 10yrs. We have nothing, but a daughter and she is 15yrs old. I don't know how long you both have been married, but try to work on it and give her a chance, maybe she is scared and confused and haven't done anything in the hopes it will all go away, and you will change your mind. TALK to her and go to counseling, you will see a difference in the relationship when someone else intervene. You both can see and hear how each of you are feeling, and if you have children, please don't put them in the middle, they love both of you and don't deserve to deal with your anger.