Should this relationship continue?

Question

In recent months, I have discovered that my [gay] partner of 5 years has a compulsive habit of buying porn, then lying about it.

Last night, I opened up a credit card statement and saw $300 in charges from a live sex website. He didn't lie this time, but I was still furious. We are in a huge financial crunch, and he was selfish enough to go blow that much money on porn when we are hardly making ends meet!

The issue here is not porn... it is lying, and deceit, and wasting our money. I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

The thought of ending things just makes me sick. We made a lifelong commitment to each other. And financially, this would break us. We just bought a house last May.

I look at couples who've been together 40 years. I tell myself this is not a big deal. I feel couples give up too easily. But I don't know how I can still trust or respect him.

He says he is going to get counseling for his lying. Can counseling help? Why does he make such stupid mistakes?

Answer 1

Gay or not - alot of marriages have problems like this. If you truly have made a lifelong commitment to eachother then you should be willing to work this out with him. Counseling can help and its worth giving it a try. Your partner may not be at a stage emotionally where he can take control of this - help him to find a counselor and tell him you are willing to go with him for couples counseling. You owe it to yourself and your partner to try to get help before you call it quits.

While from your point of view he is making stupid mistakes - from his point of view he may feel out of control, embarrased, humilated and frightened of the consequences of his actions.

Answer 2

I would suggest limiting his access to the your accounts and credit cards. If he doesn't have access to them, he can't spend the money. i know this is rash, but it may help.

Going to counseling will help. However it sound like he has an addiction to the porn as well and needs to seek help in this area as well. Both addictions can be helped out a lot by counseling.

Hang in there, take some drastic measures. See if it does help. If he won't accept them and the consequences for his actions then it is time to move on. Good Luck

Answer 3

I lived with an inveterate liar for 16 years. He lied when he didn't have to, he lied about everything for no reason. He lied about tricking, he lied about money, he lied about his job, ..... it got to the point that I believed nothing he said, and it didn't take long before I could not believe that he loved me...he probably did, but I couldn't believe it. I loved that guy with all my heart, passion, etc. But I could not continue to put my life in my hands everytime I went to bed with him. IF he lied about everything else, there was no way he was playing safe...and, he died 6 years later of HIV. To this day, I am negative, but I am convinced that had I gone to bed with him ONE MORE TIME, I would be dead today.
Lying is NOT something that can be cured in a day. He has lived like this for a long time, do not look forward to a miraculous cure.
Only you can make the choice as to what you are going to do. There is obviously more here than you have stated. I know that I thought I would be alone for ever if I left my lover, but I wasn't. In fact, I quickly found that I was just fine, was desirable, and ended up with a great lover (after a suitable mourning period of about 36 hhours). I was lucky, and I hope you are too.

Answer 4

Give him a chance to get counselling and go with him.. I don't know why he does this and neither,obviously, do you...And I agree with you...the big issue here is the lying. I've been with my partner for 20 years and it hasn't all been easy (well most has)..but we are always truthful to each other...I think your partner needs help with his 'addiction' to porn ..and maybe he's taking a first step by admitting that he has a problem...good luck.

Answer 5

If he is really willing to go to counseling - that's a great first step.

It would probably be helpful if you went to couples counseling - that way you could explore all those feelings and decide if you want to keep in the relationship and work through the issues, or part and begin a new life.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I agree that many people today give up on relationships too easily. In our society everything has become disposable - including relationships. If you made a commitment to be life-partners you owe it to yourselves and to each other to try to work things out. Counseling can most definitely help! If he is willing to work on the issue and he really wants to change, a skilled therapist can help him to figure out why he is doing this and how to stop. Couples work will probably be helpful too so that the two of you can work together on regaining trust and emotional intimacy in the relationship. If you both want it to work, it will.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, it is a big deal. And he seems to be addicted to the porn and to lying. Counseling could help, but only if he takes it seriously and really works at it.

I wish you luck. It will not be easy for either of you.

Answer 8

i believe in counseling and thank you for sticking in there. its obvious that he has a problem and you're considering more than not to stay at his side. thats a important factor of love, being there regardless. again i think counseling is important and an important fact is that he's going to try. if all fails i say seperate and work on the problem and don't go back until you can trust whole heartly again. Good Luck. i'm pulling for yall.

Answer 9

Jonathan and I have been together for 15 years in January.

Everything about your message indicates that you are demanding, perfectionistic and expectant. If I were anywhere near as controlling, we wouldn't be the happiest couple any of our friends, gay or straight, know -- as it is we are.

Get over yourself. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, and it starts with an openness. You are right, the issue is not the porn -- the issue is control.

Frankly, if you couldn't afford the house, you shouldn't have bought it. Further, you should have some financial things (like small credit cards) that aren't shared. Then you wouldn't be opening statements and seeing things that make you sick, and no one would have to lie.

Your statements are grossly overdramatic. You are correct, it ISN'T a big deal -- but no matter what you tell yourself, you believe it is -- and you go into the "oh poor me" syndrome.

Again, get over yourself. If you are even vaguely serious about this as love, rather than a faux straight behaviour pattern, go to counseling WITH him, and see to your own ego-dominance along with his weak (and you are right it is weak) tendency to lie to keep you happy.

Have a pleasant day.

Regards,

Reynolds

Answer 10

I think counseling is a good idea for BOTH of you. Couples counseling can be a very good thing and you'll both get to get your feelings out about the situation. Maybe he has an addiction and he isn't able to admit it.

Good Luck!