i need help regarding my marriage?

Question

hai i am a girl from india, where we get married not by our own choice, our parents choose the guy we marry . thats how i got married.its been a yr since i got married n now i live in US with him. i myself am an engineer.i want to make it clear id did not marry him to come to US but married him only coz my elders choose him n thought he was suitable. he is a good man, no doubt but for him i am always a second priority. he expects me to adjust to all situations. his parents have come to my place, they r healthy n fine but he wants me to do all their job, serve tea,breakfast,lunch n dinner, even though i do all this i dont even get any kind of appreciation. he says his parents r old fashioned so they dont appreciate, all i have to do to cook n take care of them instead of taking my carrer seriously. if i talk to him abt this he only fights . if he loves his parents let him take care but here he forces me to do everything n then does not even love or care for my feelings, i am very hurt

Answer 1

Well here in the US we have freedom! And you need to find some friends and stand up to your husband. Tell him that the two of you need to talk. Go to the store and buy a card and write down that you want to spend the evening alone with him. Then take him out somewhere private (not too private where he can hurt you) but where you can talk and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't want a divorce but you came to america to be free and that you aren't feeling the freedom because you always have to take care of his parents, but that you are tired of it. That you love your job but you need a break from his controlling issues. I don't believe in divorce but I believe that you have the right to choose your spouse and in your case you didn't have that chance.

Answer 2

Whether here, or back in India, SOMEONE needs to make adjustments, to some degree. Either you give in and do as your told, or find some way to encourage your husband to take on some of the chores, or for his parents to also take some responsibility for themselves.

If you can manage the latter, even to some degree, you may find the workload much more manageable. Helping elders should be an honor, but some people will take advantage. If you only have to occasionally help them, even you may find it enjoyable and fulfilling. Old fashioned does not necessarily mean helpless.

If no one else is willing to make the adjustments, then you may have some additional, difficult choices to make. This may, sadly, include separation, but you should NOT use that as a threat. This should only be considered as a solution to your problem, not as a weapon to force an issue. You have your engineering career to fall back on.

One thing to please consider is that arranged mariages tend to last longer than those arraged by the husband and wife. Something must be working, and I suspect it is compromises on everyone's part.

Answer 3

Do you ever feel like you have to apologize for everybody else before taking care of yourself? As I read the other answers debating to answer that's how I felt. Like I needed to apologize. Yes, this is America Land of the free and with saying that people need to remember to take those judging shoes OFF. She asked for advise not to be sliced and diced. Asking USA citizens to answer this was opening a can of worms, so to speak. We love to say Run for the hills, Get a Lawyer, ............ The thing is we don't understand your culture enough to know the rules regardless as to whether you are in the states or not. You have obligations you have to stand by DO you not? You have to do the right thing by that for a certain amount of time, Do you not? You also need to search your soul/heart and decided what it is you do want. If you leave this marriage is he going to let you go free with NOTHING? FIGHT YOU? I know you have a degree and I support that over being house wife any day a person needs to be a self first but you may want to try some ground rules first. I don't know your religion but is there a person of such you can speak with? I understand the honor thy parent thing but is there not a way that you can work around that I mean we do it all the time. Who did it before you? Did he take a wife or a servant? I too would be hurt it was not what you expected. See what options you can come up with and yes if you have too seach legal advice. Best of luck.

Answer 4

im sorry for this but im an american and I truly dont believe in arranged marriages. I like to feel that everyone here has the right to fall in love with the partner of thier choice. Ive read some where that 73% of arranged marriages are doomed to fail. I dont know if your aloud to but can you get a divorce?

Answer 5

Yet the divorce rates in America are out of control.

You are in a sticky sitution.

The easiest option would be to forget you career. I know its tough but looking at the sitution, it seems to be the best plan.

Didn't your parents train you for this before you got married?

Were these facts established?

Answer 6

Have you ever heard a saying, when in Rome, do what the Romans do? You're in the US now, it's ok to look for a husband yourself. There are plenty of guys who appreciate what a good woman does for them. "Different culture" is not an excuse to dismiss or disrespect your spouse's feelings.

Answer 7

Hubby needs to realize that you and he are now in a new country and duh! We don't do things that way! If he came to this country to become a "true American" then he needs to adopt our beliefs and rituals and he needs to tell his parents that when they come here that they too \must submit to the ways of this country.
When in Rome....do as the Romans do.
You need to seriously sit down and have a heart to heart with hubby and make known all of your feelings and wishes for living in this new country of opportunity. Tell him you came to this country as he did...do find a new and better life and you cannot hang on to old customs that degrade and lower the self esteem of the person who is trying so hard to better themselves, as it sounds like you are.
Good Luck.

Answer 8

Your husband sounds like an idiot. He did not marry a maid or a personal attendant to his parents. You have every right to be hurt, and if he can't see that, then he doesn't deserve you. Good for you for wanting to take your career seriously, most men would appreciate that. Tell him you want to be treated equally, not like a subordinate. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

tell him we live in a modern world were man and woman are one in love,work,needs,toughts
no judgment al over your actions and he must be happy to be whit you and take care of you aswel,me and my wife work and wen i home early i cook i clean i bring our daugther to bed,...
in the morning the first one douwstairs can make the breakfast and normaly its love thing to do i love to make breakfast for my wife,...its to take and to give in this modern world the needs are different and the woman so much more importend,work.a enigeer he most be proud you on a stand wel done.talk to your parents or a american friend that close is to him but understand you,...its modern world enjoy.

Answer 10

you r not hurt u r DUMB ! get a divorce y even bother being a woman if thats the case u went 2 school 2 become a maid, wow they have a college that specializes in that , u r about as bright as a dark crayon if u stay in that situation.