How do I communicate with my husband better?

Question

My husband and I don't really sit and talk... I want to be able to tell him what I'm feeling when I'm mad or sad but when I do, he always ignores or makes jokes or turn everything I say around on me.

Answer 1

I'll tell you from my experience, You better grab him and tell him that this is no B/S; listen to what I have to say, it is important to me. and sooner or later it WILL be important to him, you know as well as I do that if he ignores you, it will lead to real problems

Answer 2

It distressess me that you have had so much advice already.
There is a fair chance that you will choose the answers that sit best with your modus operandi=NO CHANGE

It looks a little like.
Ï'm the one trying to communicate, He just jokes."
Perhaps you have equated talk with communication.

It sounds more like you are both part of a dynamic that is out of balance. The first thing to recogise with balance is that both sides of the scale are responsible for balance.
If you both can get over this hurdle you will both have a lot to offer each other. There are whole spheres of human communication that you both are missing out on; what you are missing the other has! How tragic, how common.

I am a husband that got over this hurdle.

Two tips:
1. Get him to do some favours for you and/or solve some problems. Be grateful then try a little talk, small doses at first.

2. be alongside in silence; learn about male intuitive intimacy.
(What we do when we go fishing or watch sport or something; we have a subtle almost telepathic intimacy that occurs in silence between friends)

Read steve biduphs Manhood
Read Lip Service a book by a brilliant female (sorry author forgot your name)

Answer 3

Man ain't yall got lots to say bout us. Some is pretty good. First off we have a one or two track mind. This isn't 8-track tape time. Some times like said I need one thing to take my mind off another or at least make it not be on the front track. For example the radio while playing video games. While working in the yard i can answer your question cause I am not think so much about what you are asking i am just saying the answer. I can careless about most of the details of your day so just let me know good bad and a simple why. Any more tell your sis or girl friend. We make jokes about problems at work all day to deal with things and this comes home with us sorry. Be happy if it is something where we are not offending you to intensioinally hurt your feelings. If you help do something then it is easier to talk and work. Do not stand around my tv or work on my own project time like i am not supose to have my own time. You have yours.

Answer 4

I had this problem with my husband until i went back to college. I had to take a communications class and it had helped me a great deal. An important thing to remember when you are trying to tell someone how you are feeling....is to own your own feelings. Instead of telling your husband "you make me so angry" tell him " when you do this, I get angry". It is your choice to get mad/upset over a situation, it is not his fault nor yours when the other person decides how to react. This also prevents the other person from being defensive instead of actually listening to you. Another thing to think about is when he responds to you. He may still get defensive and come back with some retort, but if he is actually talking to you it is important to actually "hear" what he is saying and not picking a comment out and mentally working on your response to it....because you will be missing something in the conversation. This little exercise has also helped me communicate on a day to day basis with my husband about things that we do not have in common. And learning that I own my own feelings have also helped me understand that my husband or my children are not at fault for how I am reacting to what they are doing. Learning to not be a historian is great too, if it happened a month ago...you have already moved past it and it is best to leave it there.
Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you...hopefully he will learn from your example. Unfortunatly these things do not change for the better over night.

Answer 5

I can see how upset living with someone like that can be. It is obvious he lacks basic communication skills and/or is not concerned about you which is very disheartening. I am not married yet, but I can definitely see the situation you are in. My dad has no idea how to communicate in personal situations and saw it growing up. His lack of attention and care in effectively communicating has caused more than a few fights between mom. Joking around, being sarcastic with real issues, and ignoring is a quick way to create negative pent up feelings in the other partner. Write a letter and/or seek marriage counseling. It is the only way to get through to people like this. Good Luck

Answer 6

I have to agree with Strawberry. If I plant my husband down for a session of deep talk, he soon starts to stare into space or just mumbles "uh huh." However, if I shoot a question at him when we are making dinner or playing with the dogs or doing some other activity, he's much more responsive. Apparently, when he goes to watch TV that is his relaxing time and he is zoning out and doesn't want to communicate. I have to get him at times that are good for him - like the next day after he has had amazing sex. I used to think this wasn't fair, however, I have learned that I get more of what I need by giving him what he needs first.

So, figure out the times that your man is open to communication, even if they are small, and build on that. Go slowly and don't bombard him with every little thought in your mind. Be okay with him not knowing each tiny thought you have - that's what girlfriends are for.

Good luck.

Answer 7

If you haven't already done so, read "Men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communications and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships" by John Gray. It's excellent. Men and women ARE different, especially in the way we communicate. Once you realize that your husband can't be your "girlfriend," you will learn how to share your thoughts with him without getting your feelings hurt. Good luck!

Answer 8

Sounds like the first real talk you need to have with him is that you need him to take you seriously. He probably does this for many reasons. One may be he does not want to have to deal with the issues you bring up or it could be on your side, that you are not bringing the issues up at the right time. Many couples suffer this, as a matter of fact, my husband and I had the same problems for the first five years of marriage.

A good way to start a conversation you want him to take seriously is by saying something like "Hey can we talk, I need some advice or can you help me with this issue?" Men like to think they can help but they don't like for us to make them help.

Make it seem like you are concerned or confused, they like that. My husband does really good when I act lost and he can help with the answer. They are so used to us having the answer that they know they don't need to help.

If he still tries to turn it around just tell him never mind and go on. He will see that he is hurting you and the next time you bring something up.....he will be more considerate.

Answer 9

I find it odd that, as far as I can tell, there was only a couple of answers from MEN. Most all the Ladies have their ideas about how to get men to talk.....but do they really?

FIRST and NOT least.....please know that men and women are NOT the same. MEN are made entirely different from WOMEN. You need to understand that. Men DO NOT like to sit down, after a hard day of grind and hear, problems, problems, problem, I hurt, my head hurts my my my my. Do you ever ask him how he feels or what he did today? Of course he will probably say, "I feel fine" and "good" to those two answers. Men do not communicate like or about things that women do. When you accept the fact that HE is different from YOU and not just because SOCIETY made him that way, you will begin to understand and accept him like he is. Can YOU speak HIS language? By this, is YOUR language limited to ME, HOME, KIDS, MEDICINE an such? Those kinds of things may not be in HIS language as much as SPORTS, WORK and such. Maybe he thinks you are invading his space when he is trying to "kick back and relax" from the rigors of a man's day fighting the world. Good luck. Pops

Answer 10

I know that men can get defensive. I suppose saying something like "we need to talk" will put up his defensive wall in seconds. I once heard from a male friend that guys tend to be relaxed and less defensive if you talk to them while you two are doing 'something else' other than sitting there staring at each other to talk. For example, take a walk in the afternoon together, or work on the yard together...and bring up how you're feeling (and remember not to point fingers, just express how YOU are feeling).

Good luck and I hope you two can find some time to have a heart-to-heart talk.

Answer 11

First, you are a perfect candidate for counseling. That way you have a "mediator" to intervene in the dynamics of your conversations, and when one of you says something wrong, the counselor will talk about it.

I don't know if you have already heard this, but using "I" when you speak is a good step. Don't say things like "You always do _____"...or "You never _____".....

Try to use this type phrase: "I notice that you _____......when you do this, I feel _______." Try not to make him responsible for your feelings, although it can be difficult. He just says and does what he does....you actually choose to feel and react the way you do.

Try not to inject emotion into the conversation. It is possible he is uncomfortable with crying or emotions, which could just be something from his upbringing, or just a guy thing.

Did the two of you communicate before you got married? Things seem to change after a while, but that doesn't mean you can't change them again.

I received a great tip from my great grandmother: Before you get married, use a magnifying glass. After you get married, use blinders (the things that we put on horses eyes to keep them from noticing everything around them).

Of course, it doesn't help to ignore everything, but sometimes we can get caught up in very small, picky details about our spouses that we wouldn't have noticed before marriage. Try to have a more relaxed attitude, and try not to BLAME.

Another tip I received was "Men enter marriage hoping their women never change, and they always do....Women enter marriage hoping that their husbands change, and they never change."

Think about the things you loved about your hubby before you got married. It is likely that you have turned these very things into reasons for hating him.

Good luck!